December 2, 2003
So, is there
any doubt about the story of the moment?
Yes, Paris Hilton is in some insipid reality program (thank God,
we needed another one of those!), but the real story is the Paris
Hilton Sex Video with Rick Saloman, the sometimes husband of Shannen
so what? I'm sure that a sex video with Paris as the main course
was no big shock to anyone. She's legal, it's consentual and she's
not the President's daughter or anything. I think the big question
is where can the Beefboy get a copy of this fine piece of entertainment?
I mean, I couldn't care less about Pamela and Tommy Lee doing
the nasty, but Paris Hilton... that chick is smokin' hot! Let's
see it, already!
The Beefboy has done some preliminary
searches for this video and, as usual, some greedy nutsack wants
your email address, or your credit card number, or your first
born child to see the thing. Hey, there must be some altruistic
saint out there who is willing to offer this video to the Beefboy
(and everyone else) for nothing... right? Contact me at email@example.com!
November 15, 2003
Hey, Linz... the following
rant is for you.
-So now Kentucky Fried Chicken
is good for you. Really? Where's your "Jared"
guys? Where's the nutsack who only ate KFC and lost a load
of weight? That's right, he doesn't exist. He's a
figment of KFC's marketing gurus masterbatory fantasies.
The Akins diet has done a lot
of good things for the eating habits of America. For one
thing, it's returned meat to it's rightful place on everyone's
plate, and take it from the Beefboy, meat is goooooood.
But let's not get too far off
the range kids. Yes, if you ate one piece of fried chicken...
ONE... and removed the breading... then you'd have a low carb
hunk of meat. Fine. But who the fuck eats only one
piece of chicken (without the breading, no less)?!! KFC
doesn't even sell chicken one piece at a time, the minimum is
Stop blowing sunshine up our
candy-asses, KFC. If you want fried chicken, by all means,
have some, just realize that a steady diet of fried chicken will
make you look less like Goldberg and more like Cameron Manheim.
October 28, 2003
Just a little taste of Angelina Jolie.
with guys wearing grandpa hats? Watch 5 minutes of MTV and
you'll see what the Beefboy is talking about. Look, Henry
Fonda looked okay in fishing hats, but he's old and dead.
Get a clue.
got to really sleep late on Sunday... and then, guess what?
I found out that the time on my clock was one hour later due to
daylight savings time. That's fucking great! The Beefboy
proposes that we give up a half hour on Monday and Wednesday,
so we can get an extra hour EVERY SUNDAY! What do you think?
The Beefboy has the best political platform and all the chicks!
some news on Angelina Jolie and Christina Ricci, but it's going
to have to wait a couple of days... the Beefboy is very busy right
now. Also, I have my first Freak of the Week, and wait until
you see her! Numerous news updates, etc., coming soon!
October 13, 2003
-First there was Jesse "the
Body" Ventura in the Governor's seat, and now Arnold Schwarzenneger
joins him. Hey, who knew that Predator was a stepping
stone to political success?
-What the fuck is up with the "quick
question"? Suddenly everyone's got a "quick question"
for you. Did we ever have a day when someone gave you the
"slow hard question"? Are you trying to tell the
Beefboy that the question that follows is going to be so fucking
inane that you have to make it short to make it palatable?
Tell you what; the next time you have a "quick question"
for the Beefboy... stuff it.
-Is there any chance we can get the
national media to stop calling Bob Stoops "Bobby"?
That's fucking retarded. End of line.
-The Beefboy just saw Kill Bill
with a couple of friends. I have to admit that I wasn't
necessarily looking forward to Tarentino's latest foray (mostly
because it's been a decade since he wrote and directed a film
and that pissed the Beefboy off... that's a waste of time and
talent) but, Kill Bill was well worth the wait.
If you like Tarentino's blend of humor, violence, pop culture
and cinematic homage, then this film delivers in grand style.
I'll be seeing it again, and you should be joining me. By
the way, the Beefboy and some friends have an ongoing debate on
the black and white scene in the Japanese restaurant, near the
end of the film. What do you think was the reason for that
was and how do you feel about it. I'll print some of the
best responses in the Beefboy's Octagon.
September 28, 2003
Beefboy is looking for a few good freaks! If you think you
have what it takes to be the Beefboy's Freak of the Week, send
a photo in .jpg or .gif format, no larger than 300 pixels wide,
with the name you go by and a paragraph on why you are a freak!
The Beefboy is looking for Goth, Glam, Punk, Biker or Rockabilly
girls or any other chick that is cool, to feature on his site.
If you have a website, all the better! I'll be glad to promote
you. Do you know a Freak of the Week? Send her my
Send all entries,
with the subject line "Freak of the Week" to:
September 26, 2003
- The Beefboy nearly shit his pants
yesterday when Congress decided, for once, to actually earn their
pay and DO SOMETHING. A judge in Oklahoma decided that the
National Do Not Call list was outside the bounds of the law.
Within 24 hours, both houses of Congress had drafted legislation,
voted and passed the bill making the National Do Not Call list
legal. Wow! Besides the Patriot Act (which is one
of the most egregious acts against American freedom ever) and
declaring that "french fries" should be called "freedom
fries", can anyone remember the U.S. Congress acting so quick,
so decisively and with such unanimity? Hey, for those of
you with a "telemarketing" job... better pick up the
Sunday paper and check the classifieds.
-The Beefboy is about to add a section
where you can ask the Beefboy a question, comment on what I have
to say or threaten to kick my ass (good luck). If you'd
like to send me an email, you could be picked for the launch of
my new page. Email me:
October 3, 2003
-Last month I had almost 17,000 hits!
Thanks for a great month. As a consequence, I'm expanding
and updating more often to keep you all informed. Thanks
-So, Rush Limbaugh quit ESPN's
NFL pre-game show because of his comments about quarterback Donovan
McNabb. Want to know what the Beefboy thinks? Say
what you will about Rush, he's not a racist, he's a conservative,
and those two don't necessarily have to go together. What
he said was not an indictment on blacks, it wasn't even against
McNabb... it was a comment on the Media's portrayal of McNabb.
Go read the quote and you'll see the Beefboy is right.. unless
of course you have an agenda, then you'll be reading his quote
through race-colored glasses and, oh, by the way, fuck you.
What really bothers the Beefboy
about the whole affair is the fact that, once again, we have an
example of diminishing discourse. Rush should be allowed
to say things that piss people off. Those who are pissed
off should have an opportunity to respond. Is there something
wrong with that? When the fuck did we become such a world
full of sissies? Can anyone defend a position anymore or
is it necessary to REMOVE DISSENT?
I hope and pray that I piss
off a few people every day, not because I want enemies, but because
I want to say something relevant. If we ever get to the
point where we can't have an opinion, for fear of hurting someone's
little feelings, then we're truly fucked, Beefanatics. Think
September 21, 2003
- The Beefboy has some bad news for
everyone who has a picture of Kentucky Jesus hanging on their
wall. Jesus was a Jew and from the middle east, which means
he looks a hell of a lot more like Apu from the Simpsons than
Ted Nuggent. Now whether Jesus has a sun-drenched mullet
and crisp robes like Obi Wan Kenobi, or he looks like the guy
who just picked you up at the airport shouldn't matter to you.
What Jesus said is still the same. If the Beefboy just upset
your world, then you're a racist and probably enjoy NASCAR.
Fuck you and deal with it.
-I'd like to apologize to everyone
who has checked out my site for the past few weeks and were dissapointed
to discover that the Beefboy wasn't keeping you up on the latest
stuff. I'm back baby! Check back and check back often,
or you're going to miss stuff you need to know!
September 7, 2003
has come to a revelation. Country Music sucks! I was
in a fine Subway establishment the other day (devouring an equally
fine meat-laden sandwich, or as Pump would say sammich) and some
nutsack manager had Country Music playing on the radio.
Unless your restaurant is called "Goat Ropers" or "Saddle
Tramps" why the fuck would you subject your patrons to Country
Music? Look, Country Music is for simple minded people who
refuse to be challenged, in any regard, with their entertainment.
It's the same people who deeply, longingly, enjoy TGIF on ABC
television. Those people say, "Don't give me anything
that makes me think for fuck's sake!" Fine. Let
them have Country Music, Jeff Foxworthy, J-Lo movies and cable-rated
porn... The Beefboy would rather take the high road!
hit like crazy this month! I'm already over 10,000 hits
and we're only in the first week! Thanks to all of you who
have dropped by and feel free to write me a sentence or two...
The Beefboy will be glad to return the favor.
August 31, 2003
seen the anime series Berserk? Wow, that's cool. The
Beefboy has seen about ten episodes now and it's got almost everything
I love about anime... violence, A STORY, violence, a cool soundtrack,
great characters, violence, an interesting world and most of all...
You'll get caught up in this band of mercenaries as quick as I
did. No need to thank The Beefboy, you've unending adulation
August 29, 2003
- I suppose you've all seen or heard
about the big kiss between Madonna and Christina Aguilara and
Brittney Spears on MTV's 2003 Video Music Awards. Besides,
Justin Timberlake, does anyone really care? Was this a real
shock to anyone? This stunt (which is running on every channel,
on every morning news program, like the Pope was discovered to
have bat wings, or something) was less stimulating and more like
a mom kissing her two daughters before dropping them off at school.
Madonna, act your age, and you other two should just grow up.
August 17, 2003
- If you've been following the news
the past few days it's funny to see politicos on both sides of
the aisle break their arms to point toward their opponents to
figure out who was responsible for the biggest blackout in American
Here's a quick quiz for you...
-Are you a currently elected member
of any government agency that is even remotely related to energy?
-Are you an employee of any facility
that went down?
-Are you now or have you ever been
President of the United States or a member of Congress?
If you answered yes to any of the
questions above, guess what? You're fucking guilty!
Thanks for the fucking blackout! Fix it! Now!
August 11, 2003
Well, here it is Beefanatics! This is the
picture of of Kobe Bryant's alleged rape victim. Don't say the
Beefboy never gave you anything! According to this girl, she went
to Kobe's room, he fondled her tots, she got nervous and said
"no" and he took advantage of her without her permission.
In Colorado, any time you say no, it's rape afterward. Fine. However,
does this girl take any responsibility for putting herself in
a room, alone, with a married man and getting him ready to roll?
There's never an excuse for rape, but this is the poster-girl
for a blameless society.
August 5, 2003
Okay, so the Beefboy is behind the curve on
this one, but have you seen Punch Drunk Love? This movie is fucking
brilliant! Punch Drunk Love is a quirky, poignant, unusual, romantic
comedy that delivers on every level. Adam Sandler will never be
better than this. It's directed with incredible style and broad
brush-strokes from a master artist. Paul Thomas Anderson has emerged
as one of the greatest directors working today. 95% of you reading
this will wonder why the Beefboy loved this movie so much, but
for the other 5% out there, I'm glad to be the guy to steer you
toward this flick. I'm buying the special edition of this puppy
July 30, 2003
How do you cheat on that?
- Here's a blatent attempt to get hits
for a subject that's hot. What The Beefboy is talking about is
the internet buzz over pictures of Kobe Bryant's alledged rape
victim. The real issue here is this, everyone who is looking
for this chick's nude picture has seen Kobe's wife and they're
thinking, "If Kobe's main sqeeze looks like that, AND he's
willing to cheat on her, then the chick he cheated with must
be HOT!" That's not always the case, Beefanatics, Hugh Grant
cheated on Uberbabe Elizabeth Hurley with a nasty transvestite.
Some nutsacks don't appreciate what they have and deserve to
lose them. As Stan the Man says, "Nuff said."
July 24, 2003
The Beefboy saw Pirates of the Caribbean
a couple of days ago. Despite the fact that the Beefboy has a
soft spot for The Matrix Reloaded, I'm thinking the Pirates Of
the Caribbean is the movie to beat this summer season. If action,
adventure, comedy, romance and skeletons are up your alley then
this film delivers. Johnny Depp is fantastic and Kiera Knightley
is an outrageous beauty (and barely legal at age 18). This flick
was a lot of fun.
July 20, 2003
Here's another trendy piece of shit you
need to know about. The Beefboy got dragged to a place called
St. Louis Bubble Tea today. It's kind of
a cross between Orange Julius, Starbucks and a snow cone stand.
Here's the kicker, you order your drink (tea, slushy-thing, dairy-delight,
or whatever) and they put boba in it. The Beefboy is not talking
about a Star Wars character, he's talking about little black
tapioca balls that have the taste and consistency of gummy bears.
Your drink is sealed in a cup with a picture of some Japanese-looking
devil-chick (not that that's a bad thing) and you cram a fat-daddy
straw through the lid to suck out your goodies. I had a strawberry
snow, which was actually pretty good and tangy, and yes the boba
wasn't bad either. That doesn't mean I can't be grumpy about
how fucking trendy it is!
July 19, 2003
-So, the Beefboy is having breakfast in
a hotel restaurant and suddenly it's Def Comedy Jam over my shoulder.
A gentleman behind me has two octaves of laughs, which vacillates,
AND NEVER ENDS. I check over my shoulder to see which comedy
icon is part of this gentleman's party...
Is it Richard Pryor?
The Beefboy figures that since no comedy
icons are present at his table that there's NO WAY IT COULD POSSIBLY
BE THAT FUCKING FUNNY FOR THAT FUCKING LONG!!! Just a thought.
July 7, 2003
-The Beefboy has just gotten
through moving and he's been absent lately, but that changes
-You wouldn't believe how many
hits I've gotten on this site for people looking for nude Annika
Sorenstam pictures. I mean, she's not neccessarily bad looking,
but guys... get a grip... and I don't mean on your shaft.
-Okay, so let the obsession begin!
The Beefboy recently saw a preview for a movie called "Underworld"...
Holy Nuts Ahoy! Is this movie made with the Beefboy in mind or
what? It's got some dark-haired chick running around in latex
with guns and swords fighting vampires and werewolves! I'd gnaw
my own leg off to see that shit! I can't believe I'm just hearing
about this movie now, but you can believe the Beefboy will be
first in line to see "Underworld".
June 18, 2003
-Have you heard that Spike Lee
is suing The NEW New TNN for it's use of the name "Spike
TV"? Well the Beefboy thinks Spike Lee is headed for "Nutsack
of the Moment" infamy on this issue. When I first heard
about Spike TV, Spike Lee certainly didn't come to mind. What
kind of self-absorbed asshole thinks that he owns the word "Spike"?
Spike Lee, that's who.
Now let's talk a bit about Spike
TV. From what the Beefboy's seen, they have introduced three
new programs to their all-male-channel line-up. "Stripperella",
created by Stan Lee (no relation to Spike), something with Kelsey
Grammer as a rat-lawyer and new Ren & Stimpy episodes. Uhmmm...
those are all cartoons guys! Am I to understand that to combat
whiny overly-introspective yawn-inducing women's channels, we
are going to be subjected to a bunch of "male" cartoons?
If you're an executive of TNN, email the Beefboy immediately!
I'll tell you how to fuck Spike Lee and how to run your little
network in about 5 minutes and I'll make you all rich. Then we
can talk about Beefboy TV and saving the world from boredom.
June 7, 2003
-What kind of devious grand masturbatory
plot is MTV devising here? During the appearance of T.A.T.U.,
at the MTV Movie Awards, the two girls above were joined by about
8 million hot nubile chicks in school girl uniforms. I could
hear the collective zippers of honorary nationwide Couch Pirates,
as this scene unfolded.
June 5, 2003
-Martha Stewart now has
a web site "as a way to keep in touch with you in the weeks
and months ahead." Really? Sounds more like a propaganda
tool to battle all the exceptionally bad press she's going to
get in the weeks and months ahead. Hey Martha, you got caught
babycakes! You "allegedly" used your insider knowledge
to cash out and left the rest of the little people to rot. If
they find you guilty, I hope they deep fry your giblets like
the turkey you are!
Martha's site is www.marthatalks.com.
The Beefboy is not suggesting that you inundate her site with
recipes for shit soufflé, rants about rich bitches, jokes
about doing time in sleazy women's prisons or requests for nude
photos of Martha...but if you wanted to, her email address is
firstname.lastname@example.org. The Beefboy is just doing his civic duty
to keep you informed.
-Okay, the verdict is in. Sammy
Sosa had 77 bats with him and only one was corked. I'm inclined
to believe it was mistake. The Beefboy is moving on.
-Hey, George Bush! Did the Beefboy
tell you not to push all that weapons of mass destruction bullshit?
Yes, George, yes he did. Once again, The Beefboy points out that
we went for revenge, because of terrorism and to remake the face
of the Middle East. All the rest of that WMD talk and that song
and dance about freeing the great people of Iraq was cornhole
poppycock and now you're paying for that. I'm giving away advice
for free here, I should be getting what you pay your advisors
and you should send them packing.
-Hey Beefanatics! KC and the
Sunshine band is coming to town! Wow. The Beefboy is trying his
best to figure out who hears this news and gets excited. The
Beefboy is the only Boogie-man anyone needs.
-No, Sammy, no. Please say it
isn't so. Man, you're one of the very few sports guys who has
any integrity at all. Sammy, The Beefboy is going to give you
the benefit of the doubt, but if this corked bat thing turns
ugly, you're going to need an asbestos suit to take the heat
I'm going to lay down brother.
May 22, 2003
-Have you noticed how bobble-heads
have become the de-riguer collectible of white trash? Every jake-leg
nutsack on the planet has a bobble-head version of themselves
and the more redneck the icon, the more sought-after the bobble-head!
NASCAR, Pep Boys, baseball, wrestling and everyone else is in
on the act. Enough already! Take a deep breath and say with The
Beefboy, "I will resist the urge to buy bobble-heads. I
will resist the urge to buy bobble-heads." Now, don't you
feel better? It's okay. The Beefboy is here for you.
May 17, 2003
-Okay, you know The Beefboy has
all the love for FOX News (especially Laurie Dhue) but they are
showing their bias every time a suicide bombing occurs in the
Middle East. Ever since Bush coined the phrase "homicide
bombing", FOX News has fashioned scoliosis-style back-bending
to appease him and use that phrase. No one else on the planet
uses that phrase. Why? Because it's fucking stupid! It's a redundant
phrase at best, and at worst it's a failed attempt to take away
the onus of sacrifice these bombers experience. I think everyone
understands that these suicide bombers are vicious ignorant zealots,
but attempting to change the phrase smacks more of political
pandering and glad-handing, than an honest attempt to more clearly
define what's happening. FOX, your stripes are showing.
May 6th, 2003
-Hey, The Beefboy has a question
for you. If all the peace protesters are so concerned about the
people of Iraq, then why is it that they are not marching in
the streets to have the United Nations sanctions removed from
that country? Could it have something to do with politics? Hmmm...
-The Beefboy took a road trip
to Kansas City, Missouri, last weekend and I have a few observations.
Why do road crews close down 14 miles of road, so they can "work"
on 100 feet of space? Also, I use the term "work" loosely;
usually "work" consists of one dude in a large vehicle
running up and down the same stretch of dirt and nine other guys
drinking coffee. Neat.
It seems like all the single restrooms in Kansas City are unisex.
I must have seen about ten unisex restrooms. The Beefboy is going
on the record supporting this practice. Anyone who has waited
on a girlfriend, while several other dudes are waiting on their
girlfriends, understand the importance of making as many restrooms
available to woman as is humanly possible. The Beefboy can think
of another couple of good uses for a unisex restroom too, I'll
leave those to your imagination.
Speaking of restrooms, what makes people want to talk to The
Beefboy while I'm taking care of my business? I'm in a turnpike
truck stop restroom and Johnny Punchclock wants to wax romantic
about the hand dryers in Hong Kong. Don't talk to The Beefboy
in the restroom! For any reason. Ever. (Unless, of course, you're
a chick, in a unisex bathroom, with The Beefboy. (See Observation
Kansas is a wasteland. Wichita is not a city, it's a large neighborhood.
If Kansas was a real state (see Observation Four) then motorists
would be willing to stop somewhere between Oklahoma and Missouri.
Since there's nothing to entice you to stop, they charge you
5 bucks to pass through. I hope they're happy. Please use that
5 bucks (both ways) as an investment in something worth stopping
April 30, 2003
-President Bush is going to talk
to you tomorrow night about the victory in Iraq, except, he's
not going to say victory, he's going to hedge his bets. The Beefboy
is going to tell you what he's going to say, and then I'm going
to tell you what Bush is too chicken to tell you.
First off, he's going to say
that we freed the great people of Iraq (mind you, the people
of Iraq haven't contributed squat to human existance). Then he's
going to congratulate Don Rumsfeld and General Franks on their
brilliant strategy (thus thumbing his nose at the old Generals
and press pundits who uttered the word "quagmire" mere
days before swift and total victory). Then Bush is going to detail
how we have a lot of work yet to do (ya-da, ya-da, ya-da).
What he's not going to say, but
The Beefboy will, is that we just sent a message to the world.
Remember September 11th? Remember how all the piddly nations
of the planet had people dancing in the street, because they
thought that America was weak? Bush just sent a very simple message.
"Bring it." We just conquered a nation in three weeks...
what's next? We're going to Disneyland. We decimated those freaks.
They lost 100,000 soldiers. We lost under 150. Sounds like pretty
good odds to me.
Have you noticed how Iran and
Syria have decided to "cooperate" all of a sudden?
Notice how that weasle munchkin Kim Jong Il is ready to talk
peace? Notice how France is sucking Uncle Sam's schlong now?
If you're not scared, you should be. Somewhere between America
and England, lies the future of this planet. You're either with
us... or your history. Right Saddam?
April 23, 2003
-When the world is nuts and Henny
Penny is screaming "The sky is falling!", it's nice
to retreat into another world for a bit and nothing hastens that
retreat like a good book. The Beefboy just finished two good
books by Neil Gaimen, "American Gods" and "Smoke
and Mirrors". For those of you unfortunate souls who don't
know who Gaimen is, he wrote the DC Comics series "Sandman"
and has since become The Beefboy's second favorite author (Jeff
Noon is first, if you couldn't tell by the title of my journal...
what does it mean when your two most favorite authors are British?...
but I digress).
"Smoke and Mirrors"
is a collection of short stories that graphically demonstrate
why Gaimen is such a good author. He manages to show creativity,
range and insight with each succeeding story. He writes in poetry,
or as a child, or a dog. He challenges, entertains and humors
the reader throughout "Smoke and Mirrors". If you enjoy
reading short stories, I challenge you to find a better collection
than "Smoke and Mirrors".
Conversely, "American Gods"
is a 600 page tome that follows a nonchalant convict named Shadow
as he travels through America's roadside attractions and forgotten
towns. Shadow discovers a world filled with familiar old gods
from mythology, zombies, leprechauns, dwarves and monsters, he
also meets the new gods like the internet, media and television.
Shadow's journey becomes a personal revelation and a message
to all of us. Gaimen delivers a novel to America that is both
a love letter and an indictment. He celebrates the rich diversity
of America's mutual heritage while criticizing our shallow nature.
"American Gods" is a both a great work of fantasy and
a sly commentary on American psyche. If you're in the mood to
escape, this book will take you there in style.
April 22, 2003
-Since the execs at the Sci-Fi
Channel are bereft of ideas and seem to like derivative work,
here's an idea for them. How about a Buckaroo Banzai series?
What else is Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Clancy Brown, John
Lithgow, Christopher Lloyd and Virginia Madsen doing anyway (okay,
so Weller is on Odyssey 5 and Lloyd is on Tremors the Series,
like those are serious career moves!)? Buckaroo Banzai was so
schizophrenic that anyone could craft 5 seasons of weekly episodes
out of that material! Really, I'd rather see something totally
new, but if you have to dip your hand in the well of old films
to get your ideas, for God's sake, at least pick a movie with
April 18, 2003
Jennifer Sky from Cleopatra
-Regular readers of Nymphomation
know that The Beefboy is a big proponent of the Sci-Fi Channel's
Friday night line-up, but whoa, whoa, WHOA! What the ding dong
hell are they up to now? Are you telling me that two old episodes
of Cleopatra 2525, Tremors (The Series) and two episodes of Scare
Tactics is supposed to be worth spending a Friday evening in
front of the tube?
The Beefboy likes Cleopatra 2525
due to the innovative writing and brilliant acting... okay, Cleopatra
2525 sucks nuts, but it does have Jennifer Sky and Victoria Pratt
running around in mid-drift outfits and push-up bras, so it's
nice eye candy, but I don't expect to see it in prime time. Tremors
was a mildly amusing film, who thought it was a good idea to
see it weekly? Finally, Scare Tactics is about as lame as Bob
Dole's wienie prior to Viagra.
Are these dogs really supposed to replace
old Friday night staples like LEXX, Stargate SG-1 and the best
sci-fi series ever, Farscape? The Beefboy deserves better, and
so do the rest of you.