Paris Hilton Britney kisses Madonna Kobe's accuser pic

So, is there any doubt about the story of the moment? Yes, Paris Hilton is in some insipid reality program (thank God, we needed another one of those!), but the real story is the Paris Hilton Sex Video with Rick Saloman, the sometimes husband of Shannen Dougherty.

Hey Beefanatics, so what? I'm sure that a sex video with Paris as the main course was no big shock to anyone. She's legal, it's consentual and she's not the President's daughter or anything. I think the big question is where can the Beefboy get a copy of this fine piece of entertainment? I mean, I couldn't care less about Pamela and Tommy Lee doing the nasty, but Paris Hilton... that chick is smokin' hot! Let's see it, already!

The Beefboy has done some preliminary searches for this video and, as usual, some greedy nutsack wants your email address, or your credit card number, or your first born child to see the thing. Hey, there must be some altruistic saint out there who is willing to offer this video to the Beefboy (and everyone else) for nothing... right? Contact me at beefboy@couchpirates.com!

-So now Kentucky Fried Chicken is good for you. Really? Where's your "Jared" guys? Where's the nutsack who only ate KFC and lost a load of weight? That's right, he doesn't exist. He's a figment of KFC's marketing gurus masterbatory fantasies.

The Akins diet has done a lot of good things for the eating habits of America. For one thing, it's returned meat to it's rightful place on everyone's plate, and take it from the Beefboy, meat is goooooood.

But let's not get too far off the range kids. Yes, if you ate one piece of fried chicken... ONE... and removed the breading... then you'd have a low carb hunk of meat. Fine. But who the fuck eats only one piece of chicken (without the breading, no less)?!! KFC doesn't even sell chicken one piece at a time, the minimum is three!

Stop blowing sunshine up our candy-asses, KFC. If you want fried chicken, by all means, have some, just realize that a steady diet of fried chicken will make you look less like Goldberg and more like Cameron Manheim.

-What's up with guys wearing grandpa hats? Watch 5 minutes of MTV and you'll see what the Beefboy is talking about. Look, Henry Fonda looked okay in fishing hats, but he's old and dead. Get a clue.

-The Beefboy got to really sleep late on Sunday... and then, guess what? I found out that the time on my clock was one hour later due to daylight savings time. That's fucking great! The Beefboy proposes that we give up a half hour on Monday and Wednesday, so we can get an extra hour EVERY SUNDAY! What do you think? The Beefboy has the best political platform and all the chicks! Dig it!

-I've got some news on Angelina Jolie and Christina Ricci, but it's going to have to wait a couple of days... the Beefboy is very busy right now. Also, I have my first Freak of the Week, and wait until you see her! Numerous news updates, etc., coming soon!

-First there was Jesse "the Body" Ventura in the Governor's seat, and now Arnold Schwarzenneger joins him. Hey, who knew that Predator was a stepping stone to political success?

-What the fuck is up with the "quick question"? Suddenly everyone's got a "quick question" for you. Did we ever have a day when someone gave you the "slow hard question"? Are you trying to tell the Beefboy that the question that follows is going to be so fucking inane that you have to make it short to make it palatable? Tell you what; the next time you have a "quick question" for the Beefboy... stuff it.

-Is there any chance we can get the national media to stop calling Bob Stoops "Bobby"? That's fucking retarded. End of line.

-The Beefboy just saw Kill Bill with a couple of friends. I have to admit that I wasn't necessarily looking forward to Tarentino's latest foray (mostly because it's been a decade since he wrote and directed a film and that pissed the Beefboy off... that's a waste of time and talent) but, Kill Bill was well worth the wait. If you like Tarentino's blend of humor, violence, pop culture and cinematic homage, then this film delivers in grand style. I'll be seeing it again, and you should be joining me. By the way, the Beefboy and some friends have an ongoing debate on the black and white scene in the Japanese restaurant, near the end of the film. What do you think was the reason for that was and how do you feel about it. I'll print some of the best responses in the Beefboy's Octagon.

-The Beefboy is looking for a few good freaks! If you think you have what it takes to be the Beefboy's Freak of the Week, send a photo in .jpg or .gif format, no larger than 300 pixels wide, with the name you go by and a paragraph on why you are a freak! The Beefboy is looking for Goth, Glam, Punk, Biker or Rockabilly girls or any other chick that is cool, to feature on his site. If you have a website, all the better! I'll be glad to promote you. Do you know a Freak of the Week? Send her my way!

- The Beefboy nearly shit his pants yesterday when Congress decided, for once, to actually earn their pay and DO SOMETHING. A judge in Oklahoma decided that the National Do Not Call list was outside the bounds of the law. Within 24 hours, both houses of Congress had drafted legislation, voted and passed the bill making the National Do Not Call list legal. Wow! Besides the Patriot Act (which is one of the most egregious acts against American freedom ever) and declaring that "french fries" should be called "freedom fries", can anyone remember the U.S. Congress acting so quick, so decisively and with such unanimity? Hey, for those of you with a "telemarketing" job... better pick up the Sunday paper and check the classifieds.

-The Beefboy is about to add a section where you can ask the Beefboy a question, comment on what I have to say or threaten to kick my ass (good luck). If you'd like to send me an email, you could be picked for the launch of my new page. Email me:

-Last month I had almost 17,000 hits! Thanks for a great month. As a consequence, I'm expanding and updating more often to keep you all informed. Thanks again.

-So, Rush Limbaugh quit ESPN's NFL pre-game show because of his comments about quarterback Donovan McNabb. Want to know what the Beefboy thinks? Say what you will about Rush, he's not a racist, he's a conservative, and those two don't necessarily have to go together. What he said was not an indictment on blacks, it wasn't even against McNabb... it was a comment on the Media's portrayal of McNabb. Go read the quote and you'll see the Beefboy is right.. unless of course you have an agenda, then you'll be reading his quote through race-colored glasses and, oh, by the way, fuck you.

What really bothers the Beefboy about the whole affair is the fact that, once again, we have an example of diminishing discourse. Rush should be allowed to say things that piss people off. Those who are pissed off should have an opportunity to respond. Is there something wrong with that? When the fuck did we become such a world full of sissies? Can anyone defend a position anymore or is it necessary to REMOVE DISSENT?

I hope and pray that I piss off a few people every day, not because I want enemies, but because I want to say something relevant. If we ever get to the point where we can't have an opinion, for fear of hurting someone's little feelings, then we're truly fucked, Beefanatics. Think about it.

- The Beefboy has some bad news for everyone who has a picture of Kentucky Jesus hanging on their wall. Jesus was a Jew and from the middle east, which means he looks a hell of a lot more like Apu from the Simpsons than Ted Nuggent. Now whether Jesus has a sun-drenched mullet and crisp robes like Obi Wan Kenobi, or he looks like the guy who just picked you up at the airport shouldn't matter to you. What Jesus said is still the same. If the Beefboy just upset your world, then you're a racist and probably enjoy NASCAR. Fuck you and deal with it.

-I'd like to apologize to everyone who has checked out my site for the past few weeks and were dissapointed to discover that the Beefboy wasn't keeping you up on the latest stuff. I'm back baby! Check back and check back often, or you're going to miss stuff you need to know!

-The Beefboy has come to a revelation. Country Music sucks! I was in a fine Subway establishment the other day (devouring an equally fine meat-laden sandwich, or as Pump would say sammich) and some nutsack manager had Country Music playing on the radio. Unless your restaurant is called "Goat Ropers" or "Saddle Tramps" why the fuck would you subject your patrons to Country Music? Look, Country Music is for simple minded people who refuse to be challenged, in any regard, with their entertainment. It's the same people who deeply, longingly, enjoy TGIF on ABC television. Those people say, "Don't give me anything that makes me think for fuck's sake!" Fine. Let them have Country Music, Jeff Foxworthy, J-Lo movies and cable-rated porn... The Beefboy would rather take the high road!

-I've been hit like crazy this month! I'm already over 10,000 hits and we're only in the first week! Thanks to all of you who have dropped by and feel free to write me a sentence or two... The Beefboy will be glad to return the favor.

-Have you seen the anime series Berserk? Wow, that's cool. The Beefboy has seen about ten episodes now and it's got almost everything I love about anime... violence, A STORY, violence, a cool soundtrack, great characters, violence, an interesting world and most of all... mind-numbing-bone-crushing-excrutiatingly-awesome VIOLENCE! You'll get caught up in this band of mercenaries as quick as I did. No need to thank The Beefboy, you've unending adulation is enough.

- I suppose you've all seen or heard about the big kiss between Madonna and Christina Aguilara and Brittney Spears on MTV's 2003 Video Music Awards. Besides, Justin Timberlake, does anyone really care? Was this a real shock to anyone? This stunt (which is running on every channel, on every morning news program, like the Pope was discovered to have bat wings, or something) was less stimulating and more like a mom kissing her two daughters before dropping them off at school. Madonna, act your age, and you other two should just grow up.

- If you've been following the news the past few days it's funny to see politicos on both sides of the aisle break their arms to point toward their opponents to figure out who was responsible for the biggest blackout in American history.

-Are you a currently elected member of any government agency that is even remotely related to energy?

-Are you now or have you ever been President of the United States or a member of Congress?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, guess what? You're fucking guilty! Thanks for the fucking blackout! Fix it! Now!

Well, here it is Beefanatics! This is the picture of of Kobe Bryant's alleged rape victim. Don't say the Beefboy never gave you anything! According to this girl, she went to Kobe's room, he fondled her tots, she got nervous and said "no" and he took advantage of her without her permission. In Colorado, any time you say no, it's rape afterward. Fine. However, does this girl take any responsibility for putting herself in a room, alone, with a married man and getting him ready to roll? There's never an excuse for rape, but this is the poster-girl for a blameless society.

Okay, so the Beefboy is behind the curve on this one, but have you seen Punch Drunk Love? This movie is fucking brilliant! Punch Drunk Love is a quirky, poignant, unusual, romantic comedy that delivers on every level. Adam Sandler will never be better than this. It's directed with incredible style and broad brush-strokes from a master artist. Paul Thomas Anderson has emerged as one of the greatest directors working today. 95% of you reading this will wonder why the Beefboy loved this movie so much, but for the other 5% out there, I'm glad to be the guy to steer you toward this flick. I'm buying the special edition of this puppy ASAP.

- Here's a blatent attempt to get hits for a subject that's hot. What The Beefboy is talking about is the internet buzz over pictures of Kobe Bryant's alledged rape victim. The real issue here is this, everyone who is looking for this chick's nude picture has seen Kobe's wife and they're thinking, "If Kobe's main sqeeze looks like that, AND he's willing to cheat on her, then the chick he cheated with must be HOT!" That's not always the case, Beefanatics, Hugh Grant cheated on Uberbabe Elizabeth Hurley with a nasty transvestite. Some nutsacks don't appreciate what they have and deserve to lose them. As Stan the Man says, "Nuff said."

The Beefboy saw Pirates of the Caribbean a couple of days ago. Despite the fact that the Beefboy has a soft spot for The Matrix Reloaded, I'm thinking the Pirates Of the Caribbean is the movie to beat this summer season. If action, adventure, comedy, romance and skeletons are up your alley then this film delivers. Johnny Depp is fantastic and Kiera Knightley is an outrageous beauty (and barely legal at age 18). This flick was a lot of fun.

Here's another trendy piece of shit you need to know about. The Beefboy got dragged to a place called St. Louis Bubble Tea today. It's kind of a cross between Orange Julius, Starbucks and a snow cone stand. Here's the kicker, you order your drink (tea, slushy-thing, dairy-delight, or whatever) and they put boba in it. The Beefboy is not talking about a Star Wars character, he's talking about little black tapioca balls that have the taste and consistency of gummy bears. Your drink is sealed in a cup with a picture of some Japanese-looking devil-chick (not that that's a bad thing) and you cram a fat-daddy straw through the lid to suck out your goodies. I had a strawberry snow, which was actually pretty good and tangy, and yes the boba wasn't bad either. That doesn't mean I can't be grumpy about how fucking trendy it is!

-So, the Beefboy is having breakfast in a hotel restaurant and suddenly it's Def Comedy Jam over my shoulder. A gentleman behind me has two octaves of laughs, which vacillates, AND NEVER ENDS. I check over my shoulder to see which comedy icon is part of this gentleman's party...

Is it Richard Pryor?
Nope.
Redd Foxx?
Negative.
Jamie Fox?
Nein.
Bill Cosby?
Eddie Murphy?
Carrot Top?
No.
No.
Definitely not.

The Beefboy figures that since no comedy icons are present at his table that there's NO WAY IT COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT FUCKING FUNNY FOR THAT FUCKING LONG!!! Just a thought.

-The Beefboy has just gotten through moving and he's been absent lately, but that changes right now!

-You wouldn't believe how many hits I've gotten on this site for people looking for nude Annika Sorenstam pictures. I mean, she's not neccessarily bad looking, but guys... get a grip... and I don't mean on your shaft.

-Okay, so let the obsession begin! The Beefboy recently saw a preview for a movie called "Underworld"... Holy Nuts Ahoy! Is this movie made with the Beefboy in mind or what? It's got some dark-haired chick running around in latex with guns and swords fighting vampires and werewolves! I'd gnaw my own leg off to see that shit! I can't believe I'm just hearing about this movie now, but you can believe the Beefboy will be first in line to see "Underworld".

-Have you heard that Spike Lee is suing The NEW New TNN for it's use of the name "Spike TV"? Well the Beefboy thinks Spike Lee is headed for "Nutsack of the Moment" infamy on this issue. When I first heard about Spike TV, Spike Lee certainly didn't come to mind. What kind of self-absorbed asshole thinks that he owns the word "Spike"? Spike Lee, that's who.

Now let's talk a bit about Spike TV. From what the Beefboy's seen, they have introduced three new programs to their all-male-channel line-up. "Stripperella", created by Stan Lee (no relation to Spike), something with Kelsey Grammer as a rat-lawyer and new Ren & Stimpy episodes. Uhmmm... those are all cartoons guys! Am I to understand that to combat whiny overly-introspective yawn-inducing women's channels, we are going to be subjected to a bunch of "male" cartoons? If you're an executive of TNN, email the Beefboy immediately! I'll tell you how to fuck Spike Lee and how to run your little network in about 5 minutes and I'll make you all rich. Then we can talk about Beefboy TV and saving the world from boredom.

-What kind of devious grand masturbatory plot is MTV devising here? During the appearance of T.A.T.U., at the MTV Movie Awards, the two girls above were joined by about 8 million hot nubile chicks in school girl uniforms. I could hear the collective zippers of honorary nationwide Couch Pirates, as this scene unfolded.

June 5, 2003

-Martha Stewart now has a web site "as a way to keep in touch with you in the weeks and months ahead." Really? Sounds more like a propaganda tool to battle all the exceptionally bad press she's going to get in the weeks and months ahead. Hey Martha, you got caught babycakes! You "allegedly" used your insider knowledge to cash out and left the rest of the little people to rot. If they find you guilty, I hope they deep fry your giblets like the turkey you are!

Martha's site is www.marthatalks.com. The Beefboy is not suggesting that you inundate her site with recipes for shit soufflé, rants about rich bitches, jokes about doing time in sleazy women's prisons or requests for nude photos of Martha...but if you wanted to, her email address is martha@marthatalks.com. The Beefboy is just doing his civic duty to keep you informed.

-Okay, the verdict is in. Sammy Sosa had 77 bats with him and only one was corked. I'm inclined to believe it was mistake. The Beefboy is moving on.

-Hey, George Bush! Did the Beefboy tell you not to push all that weapons of mass destruction bullshit? Yes, George, yes he did. Once again, The Beefboy points out that we went for revenge, because of terrorism and to remake the face of the Middle East. All the rest of that WMD talk and that song and dance about freeing the great people of Iraq was cornhole poppycock and now you're paying for that. I'm giving away advice for free here, I should be getting what you pay your advisors and you should send them packing.

-Hey Beefanatics! KC and the Sunshine band is coming to town! Wow. The Beefboy is trying his best to figure out who hears this news and gets excited. The Beefboy is the only Boogie-man anyone needs.

-No, Sammy, no. Please say it isn't so. Man, you're one of the very few sports guys who has any integrity at all. Sammy, The Beefboy is going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if this corked bat thing turns ugly, you're going to need an asbestos suit to take the heat I'm going to lay down brother.

-Have you noticed how bobble-heads have become the de-riguer collectible of white trash? Every jake-leg nutsack on the planet has a bobble-head version of themselves and the more redneck the icon, the more sought-after the bobble-head! NASCAR, Pep Boys, baseball, wrestling and everyone else is in on the act. Enough already! Take a deep breath and say with The Beefboy, "I will resist the urge to buy bobble-heads. I will resist the urge to buy bobble-heads." Now, don't you feel better? It's okay. The Beefboy is here for you.

-Okay, you know The Beefboy has all the love for FOX News (especially Laurie Dhue) but they are showing their bias every time a suicide bombing occurs in the Middle East. Ever since Bush coined the phrase "homicide bombing", FOX News has fashioned scoliosis-style back-bending to appease him and use that phrase. No one else on the planet uses that phrase. Why? Because it's fucking stupid! It's a redundant phrase at best, and at worst it's a failed attempt to take away the onus of sacrifice these bombers experience. I think everyone understands that these suicide bombers are vicious ignorant zealots, but attempting to change the phrase smacks more of political pandering and glad-handing, than an honest attempt to more clearly define what's happening. FOX, your stripes are showing.

-Hey, The Beefboy has a question for you. If all the peace protesters are so concerned about the people of Iraq, then why is it that they are not marching in the streets to have the United Nations sanctions removed from that country? Could it have something to do with politics? Hmmm...

-The Beefboy took a road trip to Kansas City, Missouri, last weekend and I have a few observations.

Observation One:
Why do road crews close down 14 miles of road, so they can "work" on 100 feet of space? Also, I use the term "work" loosely; usually "work" consists of one dude in a large vehicle running up and down the same stretch of dirt and nine other guys drinking coffee. Neat.

Observation Two:
It seems like all the single restrooms in Kansas City are unisex. I must have seen about ten unisex restrooms. The Beefboy is going on the record supporting this practice. Anyone who has waited on a girlfriend, while several other dudes are waiting on their girlfriends, understand the importance of making as many restrooms available to woman as is humanly possible. The Beefboy can think of another couple of good uses for a unisex restroom too, I'll leave those to your imagination.

Observation Three:
Speaking of restrooms, what makes people want to talk to The Beefboy while I'm taking care of my business? I'm in a turnpike truck stop restroom and Johnny Punchclock wants to wax romantic about the hand dryers in Hong Kong. Don't talk to The Beefboy in the restroom! For any reason. Ever. (Unless, of course, you're a chick, in a unisex bathroom, with The Beefboy. (See Observation Three)).

Observation Four:
Kansas is a wasteland. Wichita is not a city, it's a large neighborhood.

Observation Five:
If Kansas was a real state (see Observation Four) then motorists would be willing to stop somewhere between Oklahoma and Missouri. Since there's nothing to entice you to stop, they charge you 5 bucks to pass through. I hope they're happy. Please use that 5 bucks (both ways) as an investment in something worth stopping for.

-President Bush is going to talk to you tomorrow night about the victory in Iraq, except, he's not going to say victory, he's going to hedge his bets. The Beefboy is going to tell you what he's going to say, and then I'm going to tell you what Bush is too chicken to tell you.

First off, he's going to say that we freed the great people of Iraq (mind you, the people of Iraq haven't contributed squat to human existance). Then he's going to congratulate Don Rumsfeld and General Franks on their brilliant strategy (thus thumbing his nose at the old Generals and press pundits who uttered the word "quagmire" mere days before swift and total victory). Then Bush is going to detail how we have a lot of work yet to do (ya-da, ya-da, ya-da).

What he's not going to say, but The Beefboy will, is that we just sent a message to the world. Remember September 11th? Remember how all the piddly nations of the planet had people dancing in the street, because they thought that America was weak? Bush just sent a very simple message. "Bring it." We just conquered a nation in three weeks... what's next? We're going to Disneyland. We decimated those freaks. They lost 100,000 soldiers. We lost under 150. Sounds like pretty good odds to me.

Have you noticed how Iran and Syria have decided to "cooperate" all of a sudden? Notice how that weasle munchkin Kim Jong Il is ready to talk peace? Notice how France is sucking Uncle Sam's schlong now? If you're not scared, you should be. Somewhere between America and England, lies the future of this planet. You're either with us... or your history. Right Saddam?

-When the world is nuts and Henny Penny is screaming "The sky is falling!", it's nice to retreat into another world for a bit and nothing hastens that retreat like a good book. The Beefboy just finished two good books by Neil Gaimen, "American Gods" and "Smoke and Mirrors". For those of you unfortunate souls who don't know who Gaimen is, he wrote the DC Comics series "Sandman" and has since become The Beefboy's second favorite author (Jeff Noon is first, if you couldn't tell by the title of my journal... what does it mean when your two most favorite authors are British?... but I digress).

"Smoke and Mirrors" is a collection of short stories that graphically demonstrate why Gaimen is such a good author. He manages to show creativity, range and insight with each succeeding story. He writes in poetry, or as a child, or a dog. He challenges, entertains and humors the reader throughout "Smoke and Mirrors". If you enjoy reading short stories, I challenge you to find a better collection than "Smoke and Mirrors".

Conversely, "American Gods" is a 600 page tome that follows a nonchalant convict named Shadow as he travels through America's roadside attractions and forgotten towns. Shadow discovers a world filled with familiar old gods from mythology, zombies, leprechauns, dwarves and monsters, he also meets the new gods like the internet, media and television. Shadow's journey becomes a personal revelation and a message to all of us. Gaimen delivers a novel to America that is both a love letter and an indictment. He celebrates the rich diversity of America's mutual heritage while criticizing our shallow nature. "American Gods" is a both a great work of fantasy and a sly commentary on American psyche. If you're in the mood to escape, this book will take you there in style.

-Since the execs at the Sci-Fi Channel are bereft of ideas and seem to like derivative work, here's an idea for them. How about a Buckaroo Banzai series? What else is Peter Weller, Jeff Goldblum, Clancy Brown, John Lithgow, Christopher Lloyd and Virginia Madsen doing anyway (okay, so Weller is on Odyssey 5 and Lloyd is on Tremors the Series, like those are serious career moves!)? Buckaroo Banzai was so schizophrenic that anyone could craft 5 seasons of weekly episodes out of that material! Really, I'd rather see something totally new, but if you have to dip your hand in the well of old films to get your ideas, for God's sake, at least pick a movie with some balls!

-Regular readers of Nymphomation know that The Beefboy is a big proponent of the Sci-Fi Channel's Friday night line-up, but whoa, whoa, WHOA! What the ding dong hell are they up to now? Are you telling me that two old episodes of Cleopatra 2525, Tremors (The Series) and two episodes of Scare Tactics is supposed to be worth spending a Friday evening in front of the tube?

The Beefboy likes Cleopatra 2525 due to the innovative writing and brilliant acting... okay, Cleopatra 2525 sucks nuts, but it does have Jennifer Sky and Victoria Pratt running around in mid-drift outfits and push-up bras, so it's nice eye candy, but I don't expect to see it in prime time. Tremors was a mildly amusing film, who thought it was a good idea to see it weekly? Finally, Scare Tactics is about as lame as Bob Dole's wienie prior to Viagra.

Are these dogs really supposed to replace old Friday night staples like LEXX, Stargate SG-1 and the best sci-fi series ever, Farscape? The Beefboy deserves better, and so do the rest of you.

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