June 10, 2004

-The Beefboy heard this crazy rumor that Ronald Reagan died last weekend. Has anyone else heard that? I can’t seem to find anything on that subject… not on TV, or the radio, or in the newspaper… or even on the internet. If someone knows something about this, could you please point me in the right direction? Cool.

-So when did your standard shaving razor become the most technically advanced item in your house? Have you seen the commercials lately? You’d think they were talking about nanotechnology or cold fusion, not something to cut your hair off. “It’s got titanium edges AND a lubricating strip!”… “It’s got four blades! We’re not fucking with you! Four FUCKING BLADES! Science has finally caught up with your stubble!”

The Beefboy actually heard one fuck-off commercial say, “It’s like the type of razor a Superhero would use." Really? The Blue Beetle endorses this product? Wow! I fucking must have it now! It will shave your face? AWESOME!

I think they need to come out with something called the Hellrazor. It has 666 blades on it (with a lubricating strip) and it will sever your head and send you straight to Hell with one swipe.

June 6, 2004

Seven days until the Olsen Twins are legal. Nuff said.

June 4, 2004

The Beefboy is not a huge fan of Britney Spears, I mean she's attractive, but there are far more beautiful chicks out there that are infinately more desireable. However, I know the Beefanatics love her and I have some juicy news.

The pics above are from Britney Spears' opening night show in Dublin. Is that a nipple slip?... I leave that up to you to decide (fantasize about...). I'd say she's bursting at the seams of her dominatrix outfit... definately a sheep in wolf's clothing. Also, what's up with the demure ring on her wedding finger?

Spears has just been approved for five shows in China next year. There are some stipulations though. "Every aspect of her tour will have to undergo examination and approval," the Chinese cultural agency said. Is there anyone out there that would like to be in charge of Britney's "examination and approval?" The line starts right here.

 

 

June 3, 2004

Today, the United States Supreme Court considered the legality of saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. The Beefboy has a few thoughts on this. I don’t think it has any business being in the pledge, we practice separation of church and state in this country. If you think church and state belong together, why don’t you take a look at the Taliban, or a little party called The Inquisition. Hell, look at our own witch trials, if you want to see where religion in government takes you. I’ll pass. And for those of you who say “It’s always been in there, the Founding Fathers wanted it that way,” you’re wrong. We added the phrase in the 1950’s, not exactly a decade known for rational thought.

However, I still don’t think we should change it. Why? Two reasons. First off, who cares? It’s not hurting anyone and it makes some people warm in the crotch when they get to say the phrase. Also, I don’t think we need to be spending time on such an amazingly inconsequential piece of shit like the Pledge of Allegiance, when we have serious problems (Gigli) to deal with.

The real tragedy in this case is the flaming nutsack (Michael Newdow) who has brought this matter to the Supreme Court in the first place. You see, he has taken it upon himself to “save” his daughter from the evils of saying “under God”. He’s USING his child to forward his own political nitpickings, against the wishes of his daughter and her mother. Only a radically skewed meathead would go to these lengths to compensate for his micropenis. I’d like for the Supreme Court to legally declare that this guy gets a fucking life, instead of wasting my tax dollars to talk about bullshit.

March 23, 2004

Oh no! Hamas founder, and “spiritual leader”, Ahmed Yassin has been killed by a missile strike! Palestinians are crying in the streets. What are we going to do? Let the Beefboy see if I can come up with a response that is both appropriate, respectful and has the correct reverence in this matter…

Rot in Hell! Fuck that paraplegic cleric terrorist nutsack and the wheelchair he rolled in on! I’ve got your spiritual leader, right here… between my legs! May his entrails be eaten by a thousand goats for all eternity and may his offspring become slaves of Jewish Dominatrix!!!

Another terrorist nutsack dies a grievous death and we’re supposed to give a shit? Wrong. Now Hamas is saying that the United States is responsible for the attack and are partnering with other terrorist groups to get back at us for our support of the Israelis. Really? So what they’re really saying is, getting their ass kicked by Mini-Me is not sufficient. They want a major league ass-slaughtering? Well, don’t just sing it: bring it. The U.S. is Rick James, bitch!

While the Beefboy is sympathetic to the plight and situation of the Palestinians, I am not, nor will I ever be, sympathetic to killing random people to get attention, or to change public policy. Why is every leader of the Palestinians a terrorist? In America, we elected a guy who used to own a baseball team. Say what you will about Bush, he doesn’t have “terrorist” on his resume. If the Palestinian people want some respect, start by getting rid of the old school terrorist wack-job deluxe Yassir Arafat (before the Israelis do), and then see how things go. All the running around and whining about a surprise attack on a terrorist leader isn’t eliciting any tears from the Beefboy, and it shouldn’t with anyone else either.

March 21, 2004

I just updated my Feature Article page, and this time I'm picking on the French. Those who are deeply offended can send your complaints directly to Hell, or to beefboy@couchpirates.com. I'll be updating just about every other page on here in the next few days... lots to talk about right now.

March 18, 2004

So, I take a few weeks off and I miss gay marriage, The Passion of the Christ and what's happening in Spain! The Beefboy has some catching up to do. First off, let me say that the Passion has become a certified blockbuster, with an audience well beyond the initial church-bought tickets. There's so many angles to this story that I'll never be able to cover them all, but the latest is criticism from people who believe that Mel doesn't have the right to cash in on Jesus getting flogged. What?! Look, no matter how you feel about the movie, or even Christians, you have to appreciate the fact that Mel put his own money and his future career on the line to make a deeply personal movie. Everyone, including me, figured he'd be lucky to just break even. This is a great success story and Mel deserves to reap the rewards for the risk he took.

I'm just checking in from the Beefboy Compound, but I'll have more to say on all the subjects I mentioned, and much more in the next few days.

February 29, 2004

-This is it! Finally, after asking and looking for several months, the Beefboy has a site where you can download the Paris Hilton sex video for free! The owner of this site, Walter, sent me his address and said to pass it on to all of the Beefanatics. Thank you Walter.

To see the Paris Hilton video for free please go here.

If anyone has any problems with the site, tell me and I'll correct it or yank the address off my site. Enjoy!

February 21, 2004

Look kids, Jesus juice!

I like it when Monica Bellucci gets dirty.

- Just a warning for the hype-storm that's about to ensue. The media hasn't had an opportunity to hawk so much soft news since O.J. Simpson. What the Beefboy is talking about is The Passion of the Christ. The gears of the media machine are already turning on this one and The Passion doesn't even open until Wednesday. You will get stories from every conceivable angle next week.

What the Beefboy is particularly warning you about is calling this film a blockbuster prematurely. Churches have blown their bingo money on movie tickets and maybe for the first time ever, preachers will tell thier pulpits to go see a flick. The initial surge of moviegoers this week will be inflated. Rest assured we will hear about how religious films have made a grand comeback, how the world is turning to Christ in record numbers and how we are in a new age of religious introspection. The Beefboy is calling bullshit on that before it starts.

Now let the Beefboy be clear here. The Passion may be a great movie, it's directed by Mel Gibson, and Braveheart sure was good. I also admire the fact that it's a rated R movie, which means it will have legitimate content, versus the candy-coated schlock we've been spoon-fed before. Why I'm sending the red flag up right now is that I see this as golden opportunity for certain groups to say a bunch of shit that just isn't true. I'll see the movie and give you an honest review and as usual, I'll be watching the spin-doctors very fucking closely.

- The Beefboy would like to publically thank Craig Haas for sending me some goodies through the mail! Thank you very much Craig. That was duty, above and beyond the call.

February 16, 2004

Here we go again... looks like Beyonce lost her top, briefly, during the NBA All Star Show last night. The Beefboy was watching WWE's No Way Out, so I missed it. What I awoke to was these two pictures and a media storm over... well, not much. Two things come to mind.

1. Beyonce typically shows up in dowdy crappywear, despite the fact that she is outrageously gorgeous. It's about time she pushed the envelope. You don't want to be known as the black Celine Dion.
2. The Beefboy would like to give the Beefbuster to every jake-leg scrotum who is parading around on the news channels and proclaiming that this sort of activity heralds Ragnarok. No One Fucking Cares! Get Over It! The sun came up this morning, people went to work and the world kept spinning. See? It wasn't that bad after all.

February 6, 2004

- The Beefboy has received numerous requests for the Paris Hilton video and a suggestion for where to get it. Apparently, everyone who has the video got it from Kazaa, or any of the other file-swapping sites. Until I can find a website that posts it for free it is my advice to download it there. I don't have the ability to upload the video to everyone who requests it, or I would. I'm well on my way to 20,000 hits this month and I'd have to spend every free second of my time to upload that video to all the Beefanatics who want it. Right now, Kazaa is the best place to get the Paris Hilton video for free.

The US Magazine cover (that didn't take long), and Rob Schneider yucking it up.

- I guess Janet Jackson is going to take the "fall" on this, despite the fact that CBS, the NFL, MTV and Tivo, all benefited from her stunt. Not even mongo-weasel Justin Timberlake is willing to accept any responsibility. Jackson is not attending the Grammys (also on CBS), I guess, as a punishment. The fact is, all parties involved should be licking her nipple shield for giving them more press and "exposure" than they have ever received for broadcasting the NFL relic known at the Superbowlasaur.

Furthermore, it pissed off the right people, and that's always a good thing. Everyone who is pissed acts like their kids are going to start smoking crack and fucking pre-school classmates because they saw a half-second glimpse of "something" (the only reason why anyone is seeing anything is because we have still photos that have been jacked-up in resolution). I think everyone needs to stop talking about this like it's some sort of national tragedy. It's not. It's a cheap stunt, that put a little excitement back in an old pastime. If you're so prude that Janet's stunt offended you, stop watching all television now and go enjoy your bible.

February 2, 2004

You can call her Janet... Ms. Mombags, if you're nasty.

Yep, The Beefboy saw Justin Timberlake rip off a part of Janet Jackson's outfit and, of course, he's giving you pictures right here for free. MTV produced the Superbowl's halftime show and had to answer for its content. MTV says that it was "unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional" Really? The Beefboy is calling bullshit on that action. You see, several days ago MTV had a press release that promised "shocking moments." Is the Beefboy supposed to believe that "shocking moments" were comprised of Kid Rock and P. Diddy singing songs from 3 years ago? Suuuuure. And is the Beefboy supposed to believe that Justin Timberlake just decided on a whim to rip off a part of Janet Jackson's leather bustier (what MTV called a wardrobe malfunction)? Riiiight. Who the fuck do these nutsacks think they're dealing with?

Here's the real deal, as the Beefboy sees it... Janet Jackson hasn't had a hit in a while, the Beefboy just mentioned yesterday how the Superbowl is known for being bland, and MTV is well known for it's "controversial" stunts to gain press (Britney, Madonna and Christina anyone?...), so J.J. agrees to the stunt and EVERYONE at MTV knew it was going to happen. Furthermore, every bonehead in a business suit at CBS knew it was going to happen too, but fucking got scared when some people complained (remember the yellow streak that ran through CBS execs when conservatives whined about the Ronald Reagan movie?) which made CBS hang the episode on MTV (although CBS and Viacom secretly love the spotlight).

It's just another brick in the wall of cheap shit to get attention. You want to bet what the number one internet keywords will be this week? The Beefboy's guess is "Janet Jackson Nude Superbowl". Congrats to Janet and the Superbowl, you're the buzz of the week.

January 31, 2004

- Yes, the Superbowl is tomorrow, and the news networks were clamoring to come up with some "legitimate" reason to cover the event, so they all decided on the brilliant idea of running some of the Superbowl commercials and commenting on their effectiveness. Let the Beefboy break a few things down for you...

1. The Superbowl, typically, is about as exciting as late night infomercials.

2. The commercials aired during the Superbowl are, typically, the most exciting part of the show.

3. If you fucknuts at the cable news networks run the commercials early, you're ruining the best part of the show!

4. Why the fuck are news networks running ads as news stories? Ever heard of the "War on Terrorism" or "The 2004 Election" or "The New Paris Hilton Sex Tape"?... I'm sure that there is something more important to cover.

January 28, 2004

Just in case you were murky on whether we are all close to flaming oblivion, or not, along comes a girl (Rosie Reid, pictured at left) auctioning her virginity on eBay (read more here). Her auction got up to 10,000 British Pounds before it was pulled by eBay. I searched eBay before I knew it was removed and found some nutsack guy who was pulling the same stunt (his auction had raised about one pence, when I checked - see, pussy always trumps cock). The Beefboy's not paying to do some chick (beyond the price you pay to date any girl) but if Rosie needs her virginity fixed, I've got the tool for the job.

January 23, 2004

The Beefboy's been hit with mondo requests for Paris Hilton's sex tape. The hits have been off the wall, since long ago abating. I just had to see what the hoopla was all about, and now I know... there's another video. I've done a little more searching and found a site that reportedly has the video for free, but it's totally bullshit, and someone faking the video for kicks (see it here). So, we're in the same boat as before Beefanatics. If there's some webmaster out there that wants the Beefboy's hits to come his direction, then send me to a free site and the Beefboy will share it with the world...

January 20, 2004

How many people in the Beefboy's audience follows both professional wrestling and politics? We're about to find out. Looks like the caucus voters of Iowa are all Beefantics. Taking my advice to dump Dean, the Iowa voters gave Kerry the nod for number one and Edwards the number two bid, with Dean bringing up the rear at a distant third. Dean's rant at the end of the evening, where he vociferously listed states he was going to win, was eerily reminiscent of Stone Cold Steve Austin telling you how many beers and hot dogs he's going to consume. The Beefboy was sure that the crowd would start saying "What?!" after each state! Anyone watching that goofball speech would be an absolute idiot to vote for Dean. He's a fucking fruitcake.

January 13, 2004

President Bush would like for someone to step foot on the moon by 2015, create a lunar base and then pack our bags for Mars (Read more here). He proposes giving NASA an extra billion bones a year and phasing out the Space Shuttle and the International Space Station to pay for the new trips. The fact is, both the moon base and the Mars mission will probably cost a hell of a lot more than that (like in the 100 billion range).

I can hear the Democrats who plan to run against Bush smacking their chops as I write this. A costly space mission is exactly what the doctor ordered. Forget domestic policy, hell, forget foreign policy... this is alien policy! The Dems can hang Bush on this one; the media and frankly, the Republicans, are probably in agreement. But not the Beefboy. I'm behind this one.

When did we lose track of the big picture? America is filled with a bunch of cynical pansies who talk on their cell phones all day, use the drive through instead of walk in and would rather sue you than punch you in the nose. Our forefathers were adventurers, scientists and rebels. They would be behind this and so should we.

The cost? Yeah, it's ridiculous. So what? I'd rather spend the money to further human knowledge than to supplement Germany's military presence, or pay welfare mothers to have new brats, or bolster industries that should die off because we no longer need them. Let's also not forget that the money we invested in R&D for the Apollo missions payed off in telecommunications (like the internet), or new metals, or peripheral applications (like the artificial heart). Money invested in a project like this could insure our continued dominance in tech related fields for the next century.

It's worth it.

January 12, 2004

-So, is it really going to be Howard Dean? Really? Is that the best that the Dems came come up with? The Beefboy would like a real debate on the issues and Howard Dean doesn't stand a chance against Bush. Mathew Lesko would have a better chance at Bush. Wake up Democrats, elections are not decided by the 30% of the hardcore liberals, nor is it decided by the 30% hardcore conservatives that already have made up their mind. Elections are won and lost by wooing the middle-of-the-road voters and Dean is way too far to the left. Hey, look on the bright side, at least Bush won't be able to run again after he blows by Dean in this election.

-Can we talk a moment about Mars? How cool is it that we're moving around a big remote-control robot from way back here? Everyone, including the Beefboy, has taken their shots at NASA over the past few years with all the bonehead events they have endured, but now it's time to give them their props. The European Space Agency ditched an expensive rover just a month ago. Space travel is not easy. Good for the boys and girls at NASA, and good for us. We deserve some good news for a change. The Beefboy giggles like a little schoolgirl when he gets to look at those shots of Mars. Excelsior!

January 10, 2004

Okay, let's talk about something of deep intellectual significance... Paris Hilton and her sex tape. The Beefboy would like to publicly thank Craig Haas for sending me a short version of the video so I can at least know what I'm talking about. Please don't send me emails requesting the video, I don't have the time, bandwidth or connection to download that video to everyone who has requested it from me. I am still looking for someplace online, where everyone can download it for free and I'll be glad to post the address here (Hear that webmasters? The Beefboy gets up to 17,000 hits a month and I can send them all your way!)

What's the Beefboy's take on the video? Well, it's exceptionally lousy quality, with abysmal light. There's no one behind the lens so action passes in and out of the frame. However, there's enough there to tell that Paris is outrageously smokin' hot and seeing her do the nasty is a real treat.

The Beefboy wouldn't be surprised if FOX paid to have that video released to the net. Ratings for the Simple Life benefited greatly from her sexcapade and no one would risk gamers thumb to flip the channel for Nicole Richie alone.

January 7 , 2004

Dig this Beefantics! After a lengthy absence, the Beefboy is back! I've got a brand new PC, which means that getting you the news and insight you need to know will be easier than ever before. You should expect multiple updates here in the next few days and, of course, a new Freak of the Week!

Thanks to Alain for all his help on getting the new PC together, it's working great. The Beefboy and all his Beefanatics thank you!