Beefboy heard this crazy rumor that Ronald Reagan died
last weekend. Has anyone else heard that? I can’t
seem to find anything on that subject… not on
TV, or the radio, or in the newspaper… or even
on the internet. If someone knows something about this,
could you please point me in the right direction? Cool.
when did your standard shaving razor become the most
technically advanced item in your house? Have you seen
the commercials lately? You’d think they were
talking about nanotechnology or cold fusion, not something
to cut your hair off. “It’s got titanium
edges AND a lubricating strip!”… “It’s
got four blades! We’re not fucking with you! Four
FUCKING BLADES! Science has finally caught up with your
Beefboy actually heard one fuck-off commercial say,
“It’s like the type of razor a Superhero
would use." Really? The Blue Beetle endorses this
product? Wow! I fucking must have it now! It will shave
your face? AWESOME!
think they need to come out with something called the
Hellrazor. It has 666 blades on it (with a lubricating
strip) and it will sever your head and send you straight
to Hell with one swipe.
days until the Olsen Twins are legal. Nuff said.
Beefboy is not a huge fan of Britney Spears,
I mean she's attractive, but there are far more beautiful
chicks out there that are infinately more desireable.
However, I know the Beefanatics love her and I have
some juicy news.
pics above are from Britney Spears' opening night show
in Dublin. Is that a nipple slip?... I leave that up
to you to decide (fantasize about...). I'd say she's
bursting at the seams of her dominatrix outfit... definately
a sheep in wolf's clothing. Also, what's up with the
demure ring on her wedding finger?
has just been approved for five shows in China next
year. There are some stipulations though. "Every
aspect of her tour will have to undergo examination
and approval," the Chinese cultural agency said.
Is there anyone out there that would like to be in charge
of Britney's "examination and approval?" The
line starts right here.
a pic of John Kerry's daughter. I don't
know about you, but I like to take a look at the daughters
and nieces of any candidate and factor that into my vote
(I never voted for Clinton, for example).
Hey, I've got to look at these chicks for at least 4 years!
I'd say Kerry's stock went up a notch when I saw this pic.
Then again, let's not forget the Bush twins.
Tenet, head of the CIA, has resigned. Well, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, GOODBYE! How did Tenet get to
keep his job since 1997? It’s an indictment on the
President and Congress to leave that nutsack in that position
one day after September 11, 2001. How many times have we
heard about “the wall”, or the “breakdown
in communication” between the CIA, the FBI and the
White House? At least Louis Freeh, former director of the
FBI, cleared out his office shortly after 9-11. Tenet’s
farewell party is long overdue.
Roberts is preggers. What is this, baby season?
She joins a growing list of entertainment’s hottest
bodies that face the Elimination Chamber including Debra
Messing, Gweneth Paltrow, Kate
Hudson, Courtney Cox and Tatu’s
Julia Volkova, who are either expecting, or are
new moms. The Beefboy is certainly rooting for these beauties
to engender the DME (Demi Moore Effect),
but having three kids (and passing 40) is not the usual
recipe for ripped abs.
we’re on the subject, let the Beefboy dispel an old
wives tale that goes, “Women are the most beautiful
during pregnancy.” That’s poppycock. Women are
miserable during pregnancy and misery is not beautiful (unless
you’re a Goth chick).
I hate to break it to you, but babies are not cute either.
I’ve seen plenty of newborns and they all look like
fat Chestbursters from Alien. (I know, I know... I'm making
lots of friends today.)
Beefanatics! A couple of days after the last entry, my PC
crashed and it's taken this long to just get everything
back in order. I've got plenty to talk about... Bill
Cosby, John Kerry's daughter,
Christian Exodus, Julia Roberts and Vince
McMahon! All of that is coming in the next few
days. Plus! A commitment to more updates, more often...
AND... something big is coming soon. That's all I'll say.
won't believe the letters I've gotten about my article on
only is tomorrow night the final episode of Friends,
not only is it the death of "Must See TV" but
it's the beginning of the end of television as we know it.
Back in the early 80s The Cosby Show carved a path
that Cheers, Seinfeld and yes, Friends
followed. One by one these shows picked up where the other
left off, propelling NBC into a two decade lock on the sitcom
market (along with a very strong showing by ER and
LA Law) and the concept of "water cooler"
talk the day after. NBC tried to keep the flame going with
Coupling, but fire has a way of dying out when
there's no substance to keep it going.
changed too. Everyone wants to watch The Apprentice,
and American Idol, and dogs fucking... LIVE. The
American populace doesn't have time to follow plots anymore.
We want instant gratification... Now... No. NOOOOOW!!!
want to watch some fuck-off model eating stewed pig intestines
on Fear Factor. We want to see some outrageously
ugly and pathetic loser turn into someone who is too hot
to even consider dating you on Extreme Makeover.
We want more Joe Schmoe. We want to be The Bachelor
and choose from 30 eligible chicks who will do ANYTHING
to be your bride.
want to vote your ass off the island!
the Weakest Link.
will Ross and Rachel finally find true love? Who cares.
if you’re going to walk in front of the Beefboy’s
car, could you at least PRETEND like you’re aware
I’m waiting for you to cross? Does the bulk of the
Beefboy combined with over two tons of Detroit-forged steel
and 8 cylinders of fuel injected power concern you? It should.
I swear it’s time to start Death Race 2000 for real.
The Beefboy could rack up points that would make Frankenstein
call me a monster. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
In a related
story… does anyone take pride in their work anymore?
The last few times I’ve been in a fast food restaurant,
or a retail establishment, has been agonizing. You walk
up to the counter and the zit-zombie behind the counter
gives you a drooling slack-jawed stare with, once again,
absolutely no recognition that you exist. After you complete
the transaction with said zombie, they hand you a wad of
cash and coins and wait for you to go away. You’ll
almost never get a “Thank you,” or even “Screw
you,” “Fuck my ass,” or “Sod off,”
in fact, if you get a “Here you go,” it’s
a certified fucking miracle.
So now I’m
going to talk directly to the people who work in a retail
or fast food. The Beefboy has done retail and fast food
work before, and not just a few months. I worked with customer
service for a decade. I know how shitty customers can be.
I know how unappreciated you feel when you pick up your
check or get another inane review from your manager. The
Beefboy feels your pain. However, I always had a smile and
a greeting for a customer. I always assumed that a customer
was worth the extra effort unless they proved me wrong.
It never hurt me to say “Thank you,” and try
to be minimally decent to customers, and my attitude paid
off too. People tend to fight their Cro-Magnon tendencies
when you lead the way.
to the rest of the world, would it hurt you to hold the
door open for someone who is walking behind you? Would your
world collapse to let someone get that really great parking
spot (and couldn’t you use the walk anyway)? Is it
really going to send your bank account into convulsions
if you tip a waitress more than 15% (and for you cheap-ass
bastards who aren’t even doing that, uhmmm…
fuck and you) or how about doing something besides scowl
at everyone all day long?
the Beefboy wrong though. If someone is going to pull out
a steaming pile of dook and hand it to you, I say you have
the right to smear it on their mug and laugh at them for
being shit-faced. I’m not advocating taking Bravo
Sierra from people; I’m just saying try not being
part of the fucking problem for a change.
Now go take on
is the office of the President of the United States such
an exlusive Ivy League rich white boy club? Is there really
much difference between Kerry and Bush? We need new blood
in the White House like Cojo needs sepuku. It would be nice
to see someone of color or a WOMAN in the top spot for a
change. While I was listening to Condoleezza Rice testify
before the Congressional Committee I arrived at the conclusion
that she would make an excellent candidate for Vice President.
Dick “Haliburton” Cheney is fragile and a liability.
While he may be a valued advisor to Bush, no one besides
his cardiac surgeon is excited about putting him in a high
pressure position. But Condi Rice… that’s another
matter. She’s sharp, she’s saavy, she wasn’t
handed a wad of cash at birth, and oh, by the way, she’s
also a black woman. If you think Bush has real stones, then
I propose, in the words of Ms. Chokesondick, for him to
“present them”. Let’s see Bush walk up
to a podium and announce that he’s putting a black
woman on the ticket for 2004. Condoleezza Rice will make
a great opponent for Hilary Clinton in 2008.
last weekend the Beefboy had an occasion to rent a car and
take a road trip. The rental company offered me Sirius Satellite
radio for a small extra fee, so I took it. What a great
decision! No matter how far I drove, or through what wasteland
I passed, that radio was clear and static free. And the
stations! Naturally, the Beefboy is a news junkie, so I
enjoyed FOX News, CNN, C-Span and all the ESPN networks.
Let me take a step back and tell you that I don’t
listen to local music stations because they smoke pole.
The selection on Sirius was infinitely better. My favorite
station was Alternative Nation, which played alt rock, but
they had every imaginable sub genre of rock, jazz, blues,
classical, country and some fusion stations that were very
inventive… WITH NO COMMERCIALS. I don’t mean
to give a free plug to Sirius and ignore XM radio, so I
tell you what, if the boys and girls at XM would like to
rent a car with XM for the Beefboy I’ll be glad to
gush over your product as well, capiche?
the United States Supreme Court considered the legality
of saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance.
The Beefboy has a few thoughts on this. I don’t think
it has any business being in the pledge, we practice separation
of church and state in this country. If you think church
and state belong together, why don’t you take a look
at the Taliban, or a little party called The Inquisition.
Hell, look at our own witch trials, if you want to see where
religion in government takes you. I’ll pass. And for
those of you who say “It’s always been in there,
the Founding Fathers wanted it that way,” you’re
wrong. We added the phrase in the 1950’s, not
exactly a decade known for rational thought.
However, I still
don’t think we should change it. Why? Two reasons.
First off, who cares? It’s not hurting anyone and
it makes some people warm in the crotch when they get to
say the phrase. Also, I don’t think we need to be
spending time on such an amazingly inconsequential piece
of shit like the Pledge of Allegiance, when we have serious
problems (Gigli) to deal with.
The real tragedy
in this case is the flaming nutsack (Michael Newdow) who
has brought this matter to the Supreme Court in the first
place. You see, he has taken it upon himself to “save”
his daughter from the evils of saying “under God”.
He’s USING his child to forward his own political
nitpickings, against the wishes of his daughter and her
mother. Only a radically skewed meathead would go to these
lengths to compensate for his micropenis. I’d like
for the Supreme Court to legally declare that this guy gets
a fucking life, instead of wasting my tax dollars to talk
no! Hamas founder, and “spiritual leader”, Ahmed
Yassin has been killed by a missile strike! Palestinians
are crying in the streets. What are we going to do? Let
the Beefboy see if I can come up with a response that is
both appropriate, respectful and has the correct reverence
in this matter…
in Hell! Fuck that paraplegic cleric terrorist nutsack and
the wheelchair he rolled in on! I’ve got your spiritual
leader, right here… between my legs! May his entrails
be eaten by a thousand goats for all eternity and may his
offspring become slaves of Jewish Dominatrix!!!
terrorist nutsack dies a grievous death and we’re
supposed to give a shit? Wrong. Now Hamas is saying that
the United States is responsible for the attack and are
partnering with other terrorist groups to get back at us
for our support of the Israelis. Really? So what they’re
really saying is, getting their ass kicked by Mini-Me is
not sufficient. They want a major league ass-slaughtering?
Well, don’t just sing it: bring it. The U.S. is Rick
the Beefboy is sympathetic to the plight and situation of
the Palestinians, I am not, nor will I ever be, sympathetic
to killing random people to get attention, or to change
public policy. Why is every leader of the Palestinians a
terrorist? In America, we elected a guy who used to own
a baseball team. Say what you will about Bush, he doesn’t
have “terrorist” on his resume. If the Palestinian
people want some respect, start by getting rid of the old
school terrorist wack-job deluxe Yassir Arafat (before the
Israelis do), and then see how things go. All the running
around and whining about a surprise attack on a terrorist
leader isn’t eliciting any tears from the Beefboy,
and it shouldn’t with anyone else either.
just updated my Feature Article page, and this time I'm
picking on the French. Those who are deeply offended can
send your complaints directly to Hell, or to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I'll be updating just about every other page on here in
the next few days... lots to talk about right now.
I take a few weeks off and I miss gay marriage, The Passion
of the Christ and what's happening in Spain! The Beefboy
has some catching up to do. First off, let me say that the
Passion has become a certified blockbuster, with an audience
well beyond the initial church-bought tickets. There's so
many angles to this story that I'll never be able to cover
them all, but the latest is criticism from people who believe
that Mel doesn't have the right to cash in on Jesus getting
flogged. What?! Look, no matter how you feel about the movie,
or even Christians, you have to appreciate the fact that
Mel put his own money and his future career on the line
to make a deeply personal movie. Everyone, including me,
figured he'd be lucky to just break even. This is a great
success story and Mel deserves to reap the rewards for the
risk he took.
just checking in from the Beefboy Compound, but I'll have
more to say on all the subjects I mentioned, and much more
in the next few days.
is it! Finally, after asking and looking for several months,
the Beefboy has a site where you can download the Paris
Hilton sex video for free! The owner of this site,
Walter, sent me his address and said to pass it on to all
of the Beefanatics. Thank you Walter.
see the Paris Hilton video for free please go here.
anyone has any problems with the site, tell me and I'll
correct it or yank the address off my site. Enjoy!
kids, Jesus juice! |
like it when Monica Bellucci gets dirty.
a warning for the hype-storm that's about to ensue. The
media hasn't had an opportunity to hawk so much soft news
since O.J. Simpson. What the Beefboy is talking about is
The Passion of the Christ. The gears of the media
machine are already turning on this one and The Passion
doesn't even open until Wednesday. You will get stories
from every conceivable angle next week.
the Beefboy is particularly warning you about is calling
this film a blockbuster prematurely. Churches have blown
their bingo money on movie tickets and maybe for the first
time ever, preachers will tell thier pulpits to go see a
flick. The initial surge of moviegoers this week will be
inflated. Rest assured we will hear about how religious
films have made a grand comeback, how the world is turning
to Christ in record numbers and how we are in a new age
of religious introspection. The Beefboy is calling bullshit
on that before it starts.
let the Beefboy be clear here. The Passion may
be a great movie, it's directed by Mel Gibson, and Braveheart
sure was good. I also admire the fact that it's a rated
R movie, which means it will have legitimate content, versus
the candy-coated schlock we've been spoon-fed before. Why
I'm sending the red flag up right now is that I see this
as golden opportunity for certain groups to say a bunch
of shit that just isn't true. I'll see the movie and give
you an honest review and as usual, I'll be watching the
spin-doctors very fucking closely.
Beefboy would like to publically thank Craig Haas
for sending me some goodies through the mail! Thank you
very much Craig. That was duty, above and beyond the call.
we go again... looks like Beyonce lost her top, briefly,
during the NBA All Star Show last night. The Beefboy was
watching WWE's No Way Out, so I missed it. What I awoke
to was these two pictures and a media storm over... well,
not much. Two things come to mind.
typically shows up in dowdy crappywear, despite the fact
that she is outrageously gorgeous. It's about time she
pushed the envelope. You don't want to be known as the
black Celine Dion.
Beefboy would like to give the Beefbuster to every jake-leg
scrotum who is parading around on the news channels and
proclaiming that this sort of activity heralds Ragnarok.
No One Fucking Cares! Get Over It! The sun came up this
morning, people went to work and the world kept spinning.
See? It wasn't that bad after all.
Beefboy has received numerous requests for the Paris Hilton
video and a suggestion for where to get it. Apparently,
everyone who has the video got it from Kazaa, or any of
the other file-swapping sites. Until I can find a website
that posts it for free it is my advice to download it there.
I don't have the ability to upload the video to everyone
who requests it, or I would. I'm well on my way to 20,000
hits this month and I'd have to spend every free second
of my time to upload that video to all the Beefanatics who
want it. Right now, Kazaa is the best place to get the Paris
Hilton video for free.
US Magazine cover (that didn't take long), and Rob Schneider
yucking it up.
guess Janet Jackson is going to take the "fall"
on this, despite the fact that CBS, the NFL, MTV and Tivo,
all benefited from her stunt. Not even mongo-weasel Justin
Timberlake is willing to accept any responsibility. Jackson
is not attending the Grammys (also on CBS), I guess, as
a punishment. The fact is, all parties involved should be
licking her nipple shield for giving them more press and
"exposure" than they have ever received for broadcasting
the NFL relic known at the Superbowlasaur.
it pissed off the right people, and that's always a good
thing. Everyone who is pissed acts like their kids are going
to start smoking crack and fucking pre-school classmates
because they saw a half-second glimpse of "something"
(the only reason why anyone is seeing anything is because
we have still photos that have been jacked-up in resolution).
I think everyone needs to stop talking about this like it's
some sort of national tragedy. It's not. It's a cheap stunt,
that put a little excitement back in an old pastime. If
you're so prude that Janet's stunt offended you, stop watching
all television now and go enjoy your bible.
can call her Janet... Ms. Mombags, if you're nasty.
The Beefboy saw Justin Timberlake rip off a part of Janet
Jackson's outfit and, of course, he's giving you pictures
right here for free. MTV produced the Superbowl's halftime
show and had to answer for its content. MTV
says that it was "unrehearsed, unplanned, completely
unintentional" Really? The Beefboy is calling bullshit
on that action. You see, several days ago MTV had a press
release that promised "shocking
moments." Is the Beefboy supposed to believe that
"shocking moments" were comprised of Kid Rock
and P. Diddy singing songs from 3 years ago? Suuuuure. And
is the Beefboy supposed to believe that Justin Timberlake
just decided on a whim to rip off a part of Janet Jackson's
leather bustier (what MTV called a wardrobe malfunction)?
Riiiight. Who the fuck do these nutsacks think they're dealing
the real deal, as the Beefboy sees it... Janet Jackson hasn't
had a hit in a while, the Beefboy just mentioned yesterday
how the Superbowl is known for being bland, and MTV is well
known for it's "controversial" stunts to gain
press (Britney, Madonna and Christina anyone?...), so J.J.
agrees to the stunt and EVERYONE at MTV knew it was going
to happen. Furthermore, every bonehead in a business suit
at CBS knew it was going to happen too, but fucking got
scared when some people complained (remember the yellow
streak that ran through CBS execs when conservatives whined
about the Ronald Reagan movie?) which made CBS hang the
episode on MTV (although CBS and Viacom secretly love the
just another brick in the wall of cheap shit to get attention.
You want to bet what the number one internet keywords will
be this week? The Beefboy's guess is "Janet Jackson
Nude Superbowl". Congrats to Janet and the Superbowl,
you're the buzz of the week.
the Superbowl is tomorrow, and the news networks were clamoring
to come up with some "legitimate" reason to cover
the event, so they all decided on the brilliant idea of
running some of the Superbowl commercials and commenting
on their effectiveness. Let the Beefboy break a few things
down for you...
Superbowl, typically, is about as exciting as late night
commercials aired during the Superbowl are, typically, the
most exciting part of the show.
you fucknuts at the cable news networks run the commercials
early, you're ruining the best part of the show!
the fuck are news networks running ads as news stories?
Ever heard of the "War on Terrorism" or "The
2004 Election" or "The New Paris Hilton Sex Tape"?...
I'm sure that there is something more important to cover.
in case you were murky on whether we are all close to flaming
oblivion, or not, along comes a girl (Rosie Reid, pictured
at left) auctioning her virginity on eBay (read
more here). Her auction got up to 10,000 British Pounds
before it was pulled by eBay. I searched eBay before I knew
it was removed and found some nutsack guy who was pulling
the same stunt (his auction had raised about one pence,
when I checked - see, pussy always trumps cock). The Beefboy's
not paying to do some chick (beyond the price you pay to
date any girl) but if Rosie needs her virginity fixed, I've
got the tool for the job.
been hit with mondo requests for Paris Hilton's sex tape.
The hits have been off the wall, since long ago abating.
I just had to see what the hoopla was all about, and now
I know... there's
another video. I've done a little more searching and
found a site that reportedly has the video for free, but
it's totally bullshit, and someone faking the video for
it here). So, we're in the same boat as before Beefanatics.
If there's some webmaster out there that wants the Beefboy's
hits to come his direction, then send me to a free site
and the Beefboy will share it with the world...
January 20, 2004
many people in the Beefboy's audience follows both professional
wrestling and politics? We're about to find out. Looks like
the caucus voters of Iowa are all Beefantics. Taking my
advice to dump Dean, the Iowa
voters gave Kerry the nod for number one and Edwards the
number two bid, with Dean bringing up the rear at a distant
rant at the end of the evening, where he vociferously
listed states he was going to win, was eerily reminiscent
of Stone Cold Steve Austin telling you how many beers and
hot dogs he's going to consume. The Beefboy was sure that
the crowd would start saying "What?!" after each
state! Anyone watching that goofball speech would be an
absolute idiot to vote for Dean. He's a fucking fruitcake.
January 13, 2004
Bush would like for someone to step foot on the moon by
2015, create a lunar base and then pack our bags for Mars
more here). He proposes giving NASA an extra billion
bones a year and phasing out the Space Shuttle and the International
Space Station to pay for the new trips. The fact is, both
the moon base and the Mars mission will probably cost a
hell of a lot more than that (like in the 100 billion range).
hear the Democrats who plan to run against Bush smacking
their chops as I write this. A costly space mission is exactly
what the doctor ordered. Forget domestic policy, hell, forget
foreign policy... this is alien policy! The Dems can hang
Bush on this one; the media and frankly, the Republicans,
are probably in agreement. But not the Beefboy. I'm behind
did we lose track of the big picture? America is filled
with a bunch of cynical pansies who talk on their cell phones
all day, use the drive through instead of walk in and would
rather sue you than punch you in the nose. Our forefathers
were adventurers, scientists and rebels. They would be behind
this and so should we.
cost? Yeah, it's ridiculous. So what? I'd rather spend the
money to further human knowledge than to supplement Germany's
military presence, or pay welfare mothers to have new brats,
or bolster industries that should die off because we no
longer need them. Let's also not forget that the money we
invested in R&D for the Apollo missions payed off in
telecommunications (like the internet), or new metals, or
peripheral applications (like the artificial heart). Money
invested in a project like this could insure our continued
dominance in tech related fields for the next century.
January 12, 2004
is it really going to be Howard Dean? Really? Is that the
best that the Dems came come up with? The Beefboy would
like a real debate on the issues and Howard Dean doesn't
stand a chance against Bush. Mathew Lesko would have a better
chance at Bush. Wake up Democrats, elections are not decided
by the 30% of the hardcore liberals, nor is it decided by
the 30% hardcore conservatives that already have made up
their mind. Elections are won and lost by wooing the middle-of-the-road
voters and Dean is way too far to the left. Hey, look on
the bright side, at least Bush won't be able to run again
after he blows by Dean in this election.
we talk a moment about Mars? How cool is it that we're moving
around a big remote-control robot from way back here? Everyone,
including the Beefboy, has taken their shots at NASA over
the past few years with all the bonehead events they have
endured, but now it's time to give them their props. The
European Space Agency ditched an expensive rover just a
month ago. Space travel is not easy. Good for the boys and
girls at NASA, and good for us. We deserve some good news
for a change. The Beefboy giggles like a little schoolgirl
when he gets to look at those shots of Mars. Excelsior!
January 10, 2004
Okay, let's talk
about something of deep intellectual significance... Paris
Hilton and her sex tape. The Beefboy would like to publicly
thank Craig Haas for sending me a short version of the video
so I can at least know what I'm talking about. Please don't
send me emails requesting the video, I don't have the time,
bandwidth or connection to download that video to everyone
who has requested it from me. I am still looking for someplace
online, where everyone can download it for free and I'll
be glad to post the address here (Hear that webmasters?
The Beefboy gets up to 17,000 hits a month and I can send
them all your way!)
What's the Beefboy's
take on the video? Well, it's exceptionally lousy quality,
with abysmal light. There's no one behind the lens so action
passes in and out of the frame. However, there's enough
there to tell that Paris is outrageously smokin' hot and
seeing her do the nasty is a real treat.
The Beefboy wouldn't
be surprised if FOX paid to have that video released to
the net. Ratings for the Simple Life benefited greatly from
her sexcapade and no one would risk gamers thumb to flip
the channel for Nicole Richie alone.
January 7 , 2004
Dig this Beefantics! After
a lengthy absence, the Beefboy is back! I've got a brand
new PC, which means that getting you the news and insight
you need to know will be easier than ever before. You should
expect multiple updates here in the next few days and, of
course, a new Freak of the Week!
Thanks to Alain for all his
help on getting the new PC together, it's working great.
The Beefboy and all his Beefanatics thank you!