Each year generates
a whole new batch of nutsacks for the world and 2002 was
no exception. Some 2002 nutsacks are perennial favorites,
while others appear for the first time and yet they all
deserve the title "Nutsack of the Year". So sit
back, relax, enjoy, and let The Beefboy do, what the Beefboy
does best… and that's break it right on down for you.
Nick Nolte was
picked up for a driving violation and found to be under
the influence of the "date rape drug". Let's face
facts, if you can't even get lucky with yourself, you sir,
are a nutsack.
a reason to add Michael Jackson to the list of nutsacks,
but MJ was particularly busy this year! Not only did he
say that the anemic sales of his album was due to racism,
but he also managed to put his own child in jeopardy by
holding him over a rail, in front of cameras. Only a real
nutsack would endanger his child for publicity. Maybe "The
Self-Proclaimed King of Nutsacks" wanted to spare his
progeny the embarrasment of growing up with such a loser
for a father.
head of Tyco International, spent his company's money on
artwork for his house, a $15,000 coat rack and Michelangelo
ice-sculptures that peed champagne! In the year of corporate
screw jobs, Dennis Kozlowski is Chief Executive Nutsack.
I don't even
know the name of the new spokesman for Subway, but man is
he a nutsack! What happened to Jared, or maybe Clay Henry?
Now we have to put up with this smarmy steaming pile of
dook every time I turn on the tube? Subway good. Nutsack
Church is a collective bunch of nutsacks for failing to
cough up all the pedephile priests they knew about in the
first place, and then, once they had been caught, for failing
to clean house, accept responsibility, pass some draconian
rules to punish the offenders and make restitution for failures
in the past. Is there anything in the universe that is patently
more offensive than abusing children? No. Is there ever…
EVER… any excuse for such an action? No. The Catholic
Church has been more slippery than Muddy Mudskipper on this
issue and it's all based on fear over contributions to their
coffers. Here's an equation for the Pope…
Money > Children = Nutsack
The Beefboy thinks
that Winona Rider is a slinky-hot piece of meat, but that
doesn't spare her from being a nutsack. Only a seriously
screwed up minx would have millions in the bank and end
up shoplifting from a store she could have owned outright.
What it is Winona? Drugs? Boredom? Psychosis? Anger at the
fact that you haven't had a decent role since "Beetlejuice"?
You get the title "Nutsack Goddess of the Year."
leader, Tom Daschel, made a short career out of obstructionist
tactics aimed at stifling legislation geared towards making
this country safe. Meanwhile, we had to put up with this
imp's smug meandering demeanor for two years. Let's face
facts, if you want to point towards one person who is responsible
for the Republicans bucking history by winning in mid-term
elections, look no further than elf nutsack Senator Daschel.
leader, Trent Lott, screwed up his chances at the top seat
by making some incredibly stupid statements about crusty
nugget Strom Thurmond. Let's side-step the extremely overwrought
discussion of whether Lott is a racist or not (he is) and
concentrate on the real issue here. After sticking his foot
in his mouth, Lott was ready to agree to anything to save
his career. On Black Entertainment Television he refuted
every race related decision he had made for the past 20
years. Did he believe in Affirmative Action? Yes. Did he
wish he'd voted for the Martin Luther King holiday? Yes.
Would he be willing to give oral sex to Al Sharpton? YES!
It's one thing to make a stupid statement. It's quite another
thing to cave in on everything you supposedly believe in,
for the purpose of keeping your cushy job. Trent Lott is
not only a limp noodle, but a certified American nutsack.
Steve Austin had a banner year too. He walked out on his
meal ticket in the WWE, without notice, ruining the show
for fans and screwing several rising wrestling superstars
out of a well-deserved push. Then he decided to repeatedly
give his wife the "Stone Cold Stunner" and ran
away to cry in his beer. In honor of Couch Pirate Steve,
the Beefboy gives him the "Goatman Nutsack of the Year
Who tries to
act tough by threatening Moby at the MTV Music Awards? Eminem
does. I'll tell you what, Marshall Mathers, instead of bullying
bald pencil-necked vegetarian peaceniks like Moby, why don't
you meet the bald carnivorous meat-train, The Beefboy, in
the squared circle so I can sing "Will the real Slim
Shady please stand up… please stand up… please
stand up" as I repeatedly knock your bitch ass down
to the canvas. Because I had to put up with seeing your
punk ass every time I turned on the television and because
you're basically just Vanilla Ice Version 2.0 and because
you like to play tough-guy around wimps, Eminem, you win
the first "Grand Nutsack of the Year" award! Wear
it proudly! I'm sure those golden hairy balls will look
good with the rest of your bling-bling.