The Beefboy is
not connected to the spirit realm like psychic nutsack Sylvia
Browne, or any of those other losers. So since The Beefboy
doesn't practice mumbo-jumbo (except with the ladies), I'll
have to fall back on The Serial Thriller's vast knowledge
of the world and the universe to cough up some prognostications
for the coming year. So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let
The Beefboy do, what The Beefboy does best… and that's
break it right on down for you.
2002 is just
a faded memory. Let's look forward to 2003 with predictions
you can count on.
- Expect Saddam
Hussein to either A) look out for the other prisoners when
he drops his soap or B) to look for a nice place to bury
his own dead ass.
- The Matrix
Reloaded is going to kick everyone's ass… several
times… hard… and in slow motion bullet-time.
2003 is the year of the Matrix! Not only will we see the
sequel in May, but the third film in November! Also expect
a video game with entirely unique content, written by the
Wachowski brothers and a series of animated shorts that
expand the universe and integrate fully.
- Anna Nicole
will continue to get fatter. And so will her ratings.
- Barbara Streisand
will get older and more irrelevant.
and Scott Baio will continue to date extremely hot chicks
despite the fact that they are both no-talent has-beens.
years of jacking off, one of our most promising writer/directors,
Quentin Tarantino, will release a new movie. And it had
better be awesome, Q, or The Beefboy is going to put you
in "The Sizzler" and make you sing "Lazy
Bones" until your throat bleeds.
will get engaged again and may even marry some schmuck,
whom she will dismiss a few months later. Note to Lopez:
You might want to check the dictionary for the meaning of
the phrase, "'Till death do us part," and get
back to me.
Things that won't
happen, but I wish they would:
- Sparked by
his own overly inflated ego, Steven Seagal will burst into
flames on Craig Kilborn's show, displaying an example of
spontaneous human combustion never before witnessed, and
scarring Kilborn for life.
-Every TV show
that has been on the air for the past one hundred years
will be cancelled and removed from existence. These shows
include, but are not limited to, anything from "Must
See TV", "Monday Night Football" and any
"comedies" on CBS. Let's throw in all shows that
have "CSI" or "Law and Order" in the
title and any shows about cops, lawyers or doctors. All
tapes, professional or private, of "I Love Lucy"
will be burned and the ashes will be spread over the graves
of everyone involved with that show, may it rest in peace.
The only show spared from these requirements will be "The
Simpsons" which is still funny and socially cognizant
after all this time and will be declared the best comedy
will fulfill the promise that he made back during the 2000
elections and move out of this country.
of sanity will prevail and everyone with a Calvin whizzing
sticker will be pulled out of their trucks at stoplights,
-In a stunning
display, Pat Robertson and Jesse Jackson will be found naked
in a San Francisco public toilet and revealed to be secret
lovers, thus ending their prospective careers and our collective
be deleted. All grieving rednecks are asked to report to
pass a law requiring Gwen Stefani to show her belly at all
times and to release a daily picture to the internet, proving
will pass on and become one with The Force, leaving the
Star Wars franchise solely to The Beefboy, ensuring that
the first three films will finally be released on DVD (minus
that ridiculous scene where Greedo fires his blaster at
Han Solo in Mos Eisley). Soon to follow, will be three more
sequels with the original cast members, which is what everyone
wanted in the first place (The Beefboy will have a recurring
role as Funkmaster Badass, King of all Jedi.)
will be taken over by Vince McMahon. New broadcast teams
will consist of Jesse "The Body" Ventura, "The
American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and Jerry "The King"
Lawler. Golf will become "full contact" and feature
HLA (Hot Lesbian Action).
-A wall will
be built around the Middle East. We'll check back with them
in about a hundred years.
code of nougat will be mapped.
scientist will discover a recipe for General Tsao's Chicken
that actually makes you loose weight!
One thing The
Beefboy is absolutely certain about next year is that I
will continue to bring you the most juicy debates and the
most insightful commentary on the planet. Check back here
early and often; between The Beefboy's articles and The
Beefboy's Funky News, it's really all you need to know.