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December 29, 2002

The Beefboy is not connected to the spirit realm like psychic nutsack Sylvia Browne, or any of those other losers. So since The Beefboy doesn't practice mumbo-jumbo (except with the ladies), I'll have to fall back on The Serial Thriller's vast knowledge of the world and the universe to cough up some prognostications for the coming year. So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let The Beefboy do, what The Beefboy does best… and that's break it right on down for you.

2002 is just a faded memory. Let's look forward to 2003 with predictions you can count on.

- Expect Saddam Hussein to either A) look out for the other prisoners when he drops his soap or B) to look for a nice place to bury his own dead ass.

- The Matrix Reloaded is going to kick everyone's ass… several times… hard… and in slow motion bullet-time. 2003 is the year of the Matrix! Not only will we see the sequel in May, but the third film in November! Also expect a video game with entirely unique content, written by the Wachowski brothers and a series of animated shorts that expand the universe and integrate fully.

- Anna Nicole will continue to get fatter. And so will her ratings.

- Barbara Streisand will get older and more irrelevant.

-Corey Feldman and Scott Baio will continue to date extremely hot chicks despite the fact that they are both no-talent has-beens.

-After seven years of jacking off, one of our most promising writer/directors, Quentin Tarantino, will release a new movie. And it had better be awesome, Q, or The Beefboy is going to put you in "The Sizzler" and make you sing "Lazy Bones" until your throat bleeds.

-Jennifer Lopez will get engaged again and may even marry some schmuck, whom she will dismiss a few months later. Note to Lopez: You might want to check the dictionary for the meaning of the phrase, "'Till death do us part," and get back to me.

Things that won't happen, but I wish they would:

- Sparked by his own overly inflated ego, Steven Seagal will burst into flames on Craig Kilborn's show, displaying an example of spontaneous human combustion never before witnessed, and scarring Kilborn for life.

-Every TV show that has been on the air for the past one hundred years will be cancelled and removed from existence. These shows include, but are not limited to, anything from "Must See TV", "Monday Night Football" and any "comedies" on CBS. Let's throw in all shows that have "CSI" or "Law and Order" in the title and any shows about cops, lawyers or doctors. All tapes, professional or private, of "I Love Lucy" will be burned and the ashes will be spread over the graves of everyone involved with that show, may it rest in peace. The only show spared from these requirements will be "The Simpsons" which is still funny and socially cognizant after all this time and will be declared the best comedy series ever!

-Alec Baldwin will fulfill the promise that he made back during the 2000 elections and move out of this country.

-A groundswell of sanity will prevail and everyone with a Calvin whizzing sticker will be pulled out of their trucks at stoplights, and executed.

-In a stunning display, Pat Robertson and Jesse Jackson will be found naked in a San Francisco public toilet and revealed to be secret lovers, thus ending their prospective careers and our collective pain.

-NASCAR will be deleted. All grieving rednecks are asked to report to "re-education" camps.

-Congress will pass a law requiring Gwen Stefani to show her belly at all times and to release a daily picture to the internet, proving it.

-George Lucas will pass on and become one with The Force, leaving the Star Wars franchise solely to The Beefboy, ensuring that the first three films will finally be released on DVD (minus that ridiculous scene where Greedo fires his blaster at Han Solo in Mos Eisley). Soon to follow, will be three more sequels with the original cast members, which is what everyone wanted in the first place (The Beefboy will have a recurring role as Funkmaster Badass, King of all Jedi.)

-Golf broadcasts will be taken over by Vince McMahon. New broadcast teams will consist of Jesse "The Body" Ventura, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Golf will become "full contact" and feature HLA (Hot Lesbian Action).

-A wall will be built around the Middle East. We'll check back with them in about a hundred years.

-The chemical code of nougat will be mapped.

-A dedicated scientist will discover a recipe for General Tsao's Chicken that actually makes you loose weight!

One thing The Beefboy is absolutely certain about next year is that I will continue to bring you the most juicy debates and the most insightful commentary on the planet. Check back here early and often; between The Beefboy's articles and The Beefboy's Funky News, it's really all you need to know.

Dig it!

-The Beefboy