-Last week, Time
magazine ran a cover article on the End of the World, as
envisioned by Christians, in an article titled "Apocalypse
Now." Meanwhile author and evangelist Tim Lahaye was
making the talk show circuit to hawk his, and co-author
Jerry Jenkins', latest book in the top selling "Left
Behind" series. All this, on the eve of what is touted
as terrorist nut-sack, Osama bin-Laden's, next best date
for shenanigans… July 4th. With all the media attention
fueling the fire, some people might spend more time buying
dry goods and hiding in their storm shelter, than eating
hot dogs and watching fireworks.
So, is Armageddon
on the horizon? Are we living in the End of Days? Who else
is more qualified to answer that question than the Beefboy?
So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let the Beefboy do what the
Beefboy does best… and that's break it right on down
Behind" series of books sells right along pace with
powerhouse Steven King, to the grand total (so far) of 32
million copies. For those of you unfamiliar with the series,
it fictionalizes a series of events following the Rapture,
where good little Christians are sucked up to Heaven, while
all us heathens are left behind to deal with that naughty
boy, the Antichrist. Basically, it takes passages from the
Bible and turns it into an action adventure story, with
a message; be good… or else. The "Left Behind"
series sales jumped 60% after September 11.
refers to the 8 million hits on raptureready.com. Raptureready
is a website that tracks biblical scale carnage and rates
it (like we rate chicks) on an index that supposedly gives
us a good idea of social upheaval that makes the Antichrist
smack his lips. The rating of 182, on September 24, was
well above the Webmaster's "Oh shit!" mark of
of Americans points out some interesting things as well.
The majority of Americans (59%) believe that prophecies
in the Book of Revelations will come true. Some people are
paying more attention to news events as a sign of the Apocalypse
(35%). Add to that, wars and rumors of war, floods, earthquakes,
bad economies, crime, the United Nations and the prevalence
of Anne Geddes shit, and you have a good case for Armageddon!
It seems to the Beefboy that many Christians are spending
an inordinate amount of time gearing up for the End and
that some are even getting off on the idea.
to REM, if this is the End of the World as we know it, the
Beefboy feels fine, baby! Despite all the hoopla surrounding
September 11, we've gone a full ten months since then, AND
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Let the Beefboy take that back, actually
a lot has happened. We've kicked the dog shit out of the
Taliban, upset their little dictatorial party and replaced
them with a democratically elected, ethnically diverse government.
We've forced Osama and the boys to hide in caves like the
cockroaches they are, arrested about 500 local illegal nut
sacks, and exterminated the rest of the bugs, all in time
for Christmas, and with casualties on our side that you
can count on your hand.
If you're looking
for bad news, sure there's plenty out there, but let's look
in the other direction for a moment. We're living longer
more productive lives than ever in history. The advances
in medicine, just in the last decade, are amazing! We mapped
the human genome. We're within the ballpark for curing genetic
defects and cancer. Cancer! We're getting along better than
ever with the entire world, particularly with nations that
matter. Russia may become one of our greatest allies. Capitalism
is slowly taking a hold of China. The sum of human knowledge
and communication is expanding exponentially. Our entertainment
and recreation choices are vast and varied. Finally, Farscape
just won a Saturn award for best Sci-Fi series and Laurie
Dhue is delivering the news nightly on Fox! We're living
longer, happier, healthier lives than at any point in human
The Beefboy is
not saying that the world is perfect. We still have plenty
of things going on that needs to be solved. There will be
more terrorism, forest fires, wars and N-Sync CDs in our
future. However, for those of you who want to cower in the
corner and worry about the Apocalypse, let the Beefboy ask
you this. Do you think God wants you to live your life in
fear, or do you think that God wants you to simply live,
and love, life? If The Final Battle occupies anything more
than a passing notion to you, then guess what? Evil's already
won that war.