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January 19, 2003

There’s been plenty of talk about Raelians and cloning lately. While cloning is a Beefboy subject if there ever was one, I’m more interested in the Raelians right now. Clonaid, the “science arm” of the Raelian movement has claimed, but still has failed to prove, that they have successfully cloned two baby girls (you can’t clone a man because an egg has to be involved and only Alan Alda produces those). The media has bucked recent trends by actually questioning the validity of a story they are reporting, not because that’s the right thing to do, but because the info comes from a “cult.”

So, what separates a cult or a sect, from a certified religion? Would the media be so quick to question the motivations, for example, of something officially released from the Catholic Church? Sit back, relax, enjoy, and let The Beefboy do, what The Beefboy does best… and that’s break it right on down for you.

The Beefboy is not going to the dictionary to define “cult” or “sect”. We all know the connotations involved with those terms. If you carry one of those labels then you are supposed to be composed of a bunch of boobie-hatch whack-jobs that are “playing” religion (and as you know, religion is not for beginners). It’s hard to disagree with that assessment, as you’ll soon see, but as always, The Beefboy is looking at the bigger picture.

The Raelians are UFO-cult members who follow Rael, the Huckster formerly know as Claude Vorilhon, who was a racing journalist in a past life. The Beefboy sincerely hopes you’re sitting down for all of this. The sheep who follow (and contribute cash) to Rael, believe that he was taken to the planet of little green men, named the Elohim, in a flying saucer in 1975 and introduced to Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith and Confucius. He was sent back to be the final prophet and inform us that we were all clones of aliens and that those aliens would be back here in 2025. That sounds all well and good, but the real deal here is, the members of this cult are big into sex with no strings attached and hey, why not just have some tax cuts, right?

Of course, the Raelians are not alone. Scientologists believe that Xenu, an evil alien leader, mind-raped us all thousands of years ago and that all our problems can be wiped out by “auditors” who will help you get rid of your “engrams” which are all sorts of psycho-somatic ills. Naturally, you’ll be required to pay for those services. The Heaven’s Gate cult were made up of Fruit and Nut Cheerios who believed that everyone should be neutered and wait for a UFO on the tail of a comet and kill yourself so you can join them as they pass by (what happened to “beaming you up”).

The Beefboy’s favorite sect though is the group that called themselves “Students of the Seven Seals” or what you know as the Branch Davidians. This cult believed that David Koresh was a prophet whose words were on par with the Bible and that married women should become “spiritual wives” of his and everyone else should be celibate! Wow. I wish I’d thought of that one! With this in mind, The Beefboy is creating the Cult of The Beefboy where everyone can be a member but women will be “spiritual freaks” and have sex with the Prophet Beefboy, while the men will be required to tithe 15% to the church. Yeah baby!

Okay, so I’ve given you some very extreme examples of religious nutsacks, but really… who cares? Almost everyone is seeking something, whether it’s knowledge, enlightenment or fulfillment. It’s hard-wired into us. Why does everyone get this superiority complex over their own beliefs, as if any other possibility is entirely out of the question?

Many Christians consider Mormons to be cultists, but the Church of Latter Day Saints has 11 million members worldwide. Islam, Judaism and Christianity all come from the same origins but are constantly at odds with each other while Hinduism, Taoism and Buddhism dismiss those other theologies entirely. Atheists think this whole discussion is silly and yet seek to explain the universe and theorize on philosophy with nothing less than religious zeal. Someone is wrong here, Beefanatics. If one religion is “right” then how many billion people are following a sham? Has it ever occurred to anyone that they may all be “right”?

Everyone’s personal choice of religion should reflect a desire to understand the world, discover your path, create order and make peace with yourself and others. What difference does it make how you reach those goals? Sure, the members of Heaven’s Gate and the Students of the Seven Seals were destined for destruction, but aren’t we all served by weeding those boneheads out of the race? As long as they’re not hurting anyone in the process, why don’t we just let everyone find their own way and leave them alone? After all, a religion based on a guy who walks on water and is resurrected sounds far-fetched too.

The Cult of The Beefboy will take donations in cash, VISA and MasterCard; all Spiritual Freaks are to report to my bedroom immediately.

Dig it!

-The Beefboy