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December 8, 2002

You've got mail! Did you happen to read Osama bin Laden's "Letter to the American people?" He's been gracious enough to not only tell you what you've done to justify killing over 3000 innocent civilians in cold blood, but he's such a stand-up-guy that bin Laden has given us an outline of what we should do to make him happy.

I suspect that everyone who is reading this, hasn't read Osama's love note, but fear not! The Beefboy is here to tell you all you need to know and give you his world famous insight regarding the note's content. So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let The Beefboy do, what The Beefboy does best… and that's break it right on down for you.

Osama's got his diapers in a wad and has written a letter to America. Since we've been inundated with a group of pencil-neck pansies that want to "understand" where these terrorist nutsacks are coming from, well wonder no longer! We've been given a road map to peace. I know that you're all just as anxious to comply with everything Osama lays out as The Beefboy is, so let's get to the meat in this baloney sandwich.

The Letter to the American people opens with the question, "Why are (the terrorists) fighting and opposing you?" He complains about our support for the Jews. He also complains about our support of Russia against the Chechnyans and the Indians in Kashmir. If staying out of Russia and India's way is support, then so be it. We've got bigger fish to fry. As for the Jews, they are the single ally in the region. Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Iraq, Iran and all the rest of those silly sand nations are our enemy. Care to debate The Beefboy on that? Then prepare to lose.

Osama whines about us "stealing" Arab oil at cheap prices. You know what? The Beefboy agrees on this one. We need to take steps to gain energy independence. Let's send our oil money to Russia and Nigeria and open up our own oil resources. Let's do serious research on alternate energy sources. If we make some changes then we can claim energy freedom and let OPEC drown in its oil. Without our oil money, Arab nations will once again return to the inconsequential gnats they truly are.

He also outlines some other things like our forces occupying Arab countries (which the countries in question have requested), starving the Muslims in Iraq (while their leader Hussein lives like a Sultan) and again supporting the Jews (you're a broken record pal). He concludes that due to our aggression and oppression against Muslims that they must strike back. He also adds that since we are in a free country, and that we elect our leaders, then we are all responsible for the actions of our government, so… Ding! They can kill all the civilians they want (including babies, pets, amoebas and Justin Timberlake). Neat trick, huh? Finally, he tells us that Allah is into that whole revenge thing, so it's really all okay.

So after "justifying" his cold blooded murder he gave us a list of things to do, to make peace. Are you ready for this? I want all the pink-panty-wearing peaceniks to take notes and start complying immediately. First off, he wants us all to convert to Islam. Everyone. He goes on and on, in flowery language about how Islam is about "manners, mercy, honor, kindness, purity and piety." Funny how none of those fine attributes seem to be practiced in Muslim countries. The more radically Muslim the nation is the further from those attributes you get.

The next thing we have to do, according to Osama, is to stop the debauchery among us. He doesn't want us to have sex, drink, gamble, allow homosexuality, or charge interest. That's right, no more evil banking. Ready to comply yet? There's more. He wants unification of church and state (hey, so does Pat Robertson) and he also wants women to stop working and wants to ban all porn (so does Pat Robertson). He concludes that if we don't comply with his demands then we should prepare for war.

Two things come to mind after reading this letter. All the peace-loving wimps who want to sympathize with evil should begin complying with Osama's demands. That means that Susan Sarandon, Jane Fonda, Hillary Clinton and Barbara Streisand should stop working and don burkas immediately. We should also expect Alec Baldwin, Tom Daschle and Eric Roberts to convert to Islam. Sean Penn: no more sex. Rosie O'Donnel: stop being a lesbian. Ed Asner: no more drinking or gambling. Life is going to be tough for you guys, but I'm sure you'll get over it eventually.

Now since there's not a ding-dong chance in hell that The Beefboy is going to comply with any of that shit and since I'll assume that the rest of you are on the bandwagon, I think it's time to make one final conclusion. Holy war. That's right, Reverend Beefboy is calling for a good old fashioned Crusade to give those radical Muslims a smackdown of the highest order. It doesn't matter if you're Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Pagan, atheistic or worship Spongebob Squarepants, if you're an American, you're a target. Furthermore, bin Laden mentions every ally of America (yes, you too France) and even Muslim nations that are not under radical religious rule (are you listening Saudi Arabia) as a target. Basically, Osama bin Laden has declared the world as an enemy. If you think this band of thugs will just fade away like the New Kids on the Block, then think again.

Radical Islam is growing in every section of the world. Remember the hostages in the Russian theater last month? Remember the bombing in Bali or the attack on the French vessel or the missile attack on the Jewish airline? Remember the Beltway Sniper? They all have one thing in common. Radical Islam. Osama is just one pus bag in a face full of zits. It's time to Oxycute those bastards. Those of you who choose to hide behind your platitudes, your fear and your ignorance are just as much a target of radical Islam as the rest of us, maybe more so. It's way past time for everyone to wake up and join the war. You're involved whether you like it or not.

Dig it!

-The Beefboy