Beefanatics! It's your favorite infidel,
back for some rants. If you'd like to see
what I'm doing that's keeping me from updating
more often, please visit here.
awesome is that photo of Lady Atropos?
And yes, that's a Beefboy
Babydoll Tee she's wearing too! Just
for the record, wet T-Shirts are GOOD. I'd
like to thank Lady
Atropos and Flutterby
Studio for sending me (and you) such
great photos! If you'd like to see more
from the shoot, I've made Lady Atropos this
month's inductee to the Toxic
Goddess Hall of Fame!
you telling the Beefboy that I stop talking
for two weeks and suddenly Dancing with
the Stars is the number one show in
America?!!! What the fuck?!! Don't any of
you have something to do? I'm not talking
about curing cancer (although that would
be nice) but, maybe turning off the tube
and taking a walk would be a good idea (or
hey, you could write the Beefboy an email).
I just go to sleep and wake up in the 1980's?
Michael Jackson is all
over the news, Mike Tyson
is fighting and A Flock of Seagulls is performing
on TV! Why do we feel the desire to relive
the past? It's never as good the second
Jackson used to be this kind talented wonderkid
and now he's this fucking alien pervert
you have to shield from your kids. Mike
Tyson used to be an amazing athlete with
an inspirational success story. Now Tyson
is a washed up thug, who is a greater threat
to himself than anyone he could meet in
the ring. Finally, brought to you by Rogaine
and Viagra, we have Hit Me Baby, One
More Time, where groups like A Flock
of Seagulls, who used to be... okay, A Flock
of Seagulls always sucked. In any case,
we're bringing back marginal talent from
the eighties to see how fat and bald they
have become, and to highlight how little
talent they had in the first place.
the fact that I'd like to see Jessica
Simpson's ass "reimagining"
the Daisy Duke jean shorts, do we really
need to retread The Dukes of Hazzard?
Do you really want to relive Big Hair, calf
warmers, Nuclear Winter and RATT?!! It's
time to let go of the past and come kicking
and screaming into the 21st century kids!
It will be alright, the Beefboy will protect
sure it's no surprise to learn that 40%
of French men would like to become pregnant.
In a related story, some French marketing
and design firm has proclaimed the death
of the macho
man. They say that modern men would
rather wear a pink shirt and suck cock.
I say that the death of the macho man is
highly exaggerated! The Beefboy is the only
macho man you need, ladies!
Herbie: Fully-Loaded and Land
of the Dead opens this weekend. Dead
is getting almost no press next to the other
two creampuffs, which the media is drooling
on. I'd like to encourage everyone who reads
this to go see Land of the Dead
so that on Monday, the media has to report
that Dead devoured the competition
see if I've got my math right. Jennifer
Wilbanks, the bitch bride who ran
away, caused a massive manhunt (which cost
an estimated $30,000) and lied to police,
was convicted of the felony
of making a false statement and ordered
to do 120 hours of community service and
pay a fine of $2550. Then she does an interview
with Katie Couric and signed
a book and movie deal for $500,000!!! That's
a net gain of $497,450! So, what's the lesson
here? If you can come up with a criminal
plot where get you enough press, you can
become fabulously wealthy! Are the wheels
turning right now? That slag shouldn't be
allowed to make a nano-cent off her escapades.
fuck Katie Couric for giving this criminal
nobody a FULL HOUR INTERVIEW IN PRIME TIME!
Can you really justify giving Jennifer Wilbanks
more than a five minute brush off interview?
When is the last time you've seen a world
leader get a one hour primetime interview?
Can our priorities be any more fucked up?
I don't think so.
here's a cute little story that might be
slightly more important. Apparently the
United States have trained a number of Mexican
commandos, who were supposed to help against
drug cartels and human smuggling. Now, Los
Zetas have switched sides and working
for the same fucking cartels they were trained
to fight! Furthermore, they are responsible
for killing over 500 people in Mexico this
year and are a particular threat to our
police and soldiers in Texas, New Mexico
light of the deeply moving and terribly
important Jennifer Wilbanks interview, I
have to ask the Beefanatics a few questions.
Where is the hour long primetime interview
with President George Bush,
asking why he slobbers on Vicente
Fox's schlong every time he comes
over the border? Where is the hour long
primetime interview with Vicente Fox asking
why he routinely takes it in the ass from
Mexican drug lords? Where is the hour long
primetime interview with Donald
Rumsfeld asking why he's training
our enemies? Where is the hour long primetime
interview with the Minutemen, who seem to
be the only people who give a shit about
any of this? And finally, where is the hour
long primetime interview with the Katie
Couric and the mainstream media, who have
decided that Jennifer Wilbanks and Michael
Jackson constitute deeper news relevance
than Los Zetas, drug lords, and the hundreds
of thousands of illegal aliens who are flooding
across our borders without any resistance,
while our schools, hospitals and prisons
been buried with work on several projects
lately. Sorry to everyone who has checked
in and hasn't seen anything new! Also, I
haven't sent out the first round of stickers,
but I will do that in the next few days.
If you want some stickers, get in touch
with the Beefboy soon (info above)!
again, I'm talking about Paris Hilton,
that girl has a way of getting national
attention. First she shows up in a Carl's
Jr. ad. It's a rare occasion that I
go to a restaurant site, but it's not easy
to find the ad on air after the Christian
Thought Police (the
Parents Television Council, among others)
started bitching. The Beefboy thinks that
L. Brent Bozell III, of
the PTC, got a little "stiffy"
when he watched the ad and immediately apologized
to God and flagellated himself until his
wood subsided, then went directly to the
phone to call for some action. Anyone who
gets in such an uproar over something so
fucking mundane needs a hooker... STAT!
a minute! Hardcore religious nutsacks need
little boys! What was I thinking?
we find out that Paris has gotten engaged
to a pasty blond pansy named... Paris! I
can't make this shit up! She also wants
to have kids. So... say goodbye to THAT
body too! They're dropping like flies, boys
of holy-roller nutsacks, Tim Wildmon
has announced that the American Family Association
has decided to cancel the nine
year long boycott of Disney. What? You
didn't know that Disney was under a boycott?
That's because it didn't fucking matter!
Everyone involved in the American Family
Association should stop paying dues immediately
and find something to do with their lives!
You're irrelevant! And ignorant! The Beefboy
is glad to help you out.
you heard about the seven
year old Florida boy who killed his
7 month old sister? Have you heard all the
panty-wearing psychoanalysts who are preaching
compassion for the boy? I say mulch that
little fucker! By seven, I certainly knew
better than to kill someone. There's no
hope for that little shit, he should be
used for stem cell research.
in Atlanta had a 10 year old boy lick
and kiss her toes in class, then gave him
candy! Look, the Beefboy is one kinky fucker,
and to each his or her own, but where in
the world is this sort of thing acceptable?
That teacher should be fired, then she should
find someone her own age to play with. I'd
suggest going here.
something else in the "I-told-you-so"
department. "Blind Justice" was
cancelled this season. How did I know that
before the first episode was even aired?
Because I'm a fucking genius! Either that,
or television executives are abject morons-
take your pick.
national PTA suggests
changing the game "Tug of War"
to "Tug of Peace"! Teachers are
encouraged to use purple
ink instead of red ink to grade papers,
because red ink has "negative connotations".
You're fucking right, red has negative connotations!
The connotation is that you made a fucking
mistake! Fix it and get over it! The Beefboy
has had enough of the this Newspeak
horse shit! Do you want a nation full of
Richard Simmons? Just keep
doing what you're doing! Good luck finding
anyone with enough stones to kill terrorists
in twenty years!
only "Tug of Peace" that the Beefboy
is going to sanction, involves Angelina
Jolie's hands, and my fat swollen
going to geek out a bit and give you a few
"I told you so's" today.
final episode of Enterprise was
terrible! Are you shitting me? I was one
of the twelve people across the nation that
was watching that show, and what was my
reward? They needlessly killed off one of
my favorite characters and squashed the
relationship they had been working on for
four seasons. Hey! To Paramount and the
producers of Star Trek: Enterprise...
FUCK YOU!!! I'll miss seeing Jolene
Blalock on a weekly basis, but
she's hot enough to have a life after Trek.
of Star Trek, I think the quintessential
nerd prototype, or "the Trekkie",
should be applied across the board to anyone
who is overly obsessed or overly identifies
with something they are not. Allow the Beefboy
Star Wars debuted in 1977, I remember thinking
how nice it was that Star Wars fans enjoyed
the franchise without acting like nerds...
well, that's no longer the case. Now Star
Wars fans are the new Trekkies. I'm not
even giving them a variation on the name
like "Starzies" or "Warzies".
They're just fucking Trekkies!
not done. I live in a state where where
people who have never milked a cow, much
less even seen a farm, habitually wear cowboy
hats and drive pick-up trucks like they're
cowboys. You know what? They're Trekkies.
saw a guy who had a sponsor painted on the
hood of his pickup, like his favorite NASCAR
driver! He had the NASCAR numbers all over
his truck too. TREKKIE!
of Star Wars, the press has picked up on
the storyline of Revenge of the Sith
and a quote from Anakin where he says, "If
you are not with us, you are my enemy,"
which echoes Bush's "You're
either with us or you're against us"
line from a recent speech. They
suggest that George Lucas
is getting political with the latest film
and equating Darth Vader with Darth Bush.
While Lucas is probably a lib, he explains
that all this shit was written a long time
ago in a galaxy far far away (during the
Nixon administration) and that all this
is just people sticking their personal politics
in a space fantasy.
say it's not only political nutsacks who
have to find divisiveness in fucking EVERYTHING.
There's a couple of much more simple explanations.
First off that line that Bush said (you're
either with us or you're against us) is
a line I've heard a hundred times over the
past thirty years in numerous B movies.
It's indicative of the lousy speech writers
Bush has and tells you how shitty Lucas
is at writing dialogue with any semblance
toward originality! If there's any connection
between Bush and Lucas, it's the fact that
they both need better handlers.
we close to catching bin Laden?
Al Libby's contacts
are reported as "hot" (although,
probably not as "hot" as Paris'
I told you so! Immediately following the
runaway bride debacle, I told Jennifer
Wilbanks husband-to-be (and you)
that she had no character and since then
I've been totally justified in that statement.
There's stories coming out now that she
went to New
Mexico because she wanted to fuck an
old flame. She also broke off a previous
engagement and has a criminal record with
instances of shoplifting... one of which
she did time for. Basically, Jennifer Wilbanks
is a lying slut and anyone who wants to
make her some kind of hero needs to seriously
examine their own problems.
"I told you so's". My latest feature
article tells you that our government has
failed us in the investigation of the Oklahoma
City bombing. Now Terry Nichols
has fingered a new co-conspirator!
unrelated story suggests that there
may have been a connection between Tim
McVeigh and a white supremacist
group, and that the FBI is withholding evidence!
The FBI just recently
recovered explosives at Nichol's former
home in Kansas (ten years later)! If you're
not on top of this story, you are missing
one of the biggest stories in American history.
The Beefboy is doing everything possible
to keep you informed, because the mainstream
press has seriously dropped the ball on
this one. Representative Dana Rohrabacher
of California is looking into opening
hearings on the Oklahoma City bombing
and needs your help! Please call or write
your local congressional representatives
and help me stir up some attention on this
United States government has insulted us
again, by not only releasing a new food
pyramid... but releasing 12! Fuck that
shit! When has the government ever been
right about cutting fat? The Beefboy is
going to give you a plan guaranteed to help
you lose weight, and I'm not charging anything
for it. Are you ready? Eat less
and exercise. See? Wasn't that
easy? Since I figure that I have just as
good a track record at weight management
as the politicos, the Beefboy has created
his own food pyramid (see above).
on to Georgia's runaway
bride, Jennifer Wilbanks,
or more specifically, to her groom-to-be,
John Mason. You see, what
John doesn't realize is that he's just been
given the best wedding gift he could ever
receive! Now he knows the character of his
bride. She's fucking abysmal under pressure,
she's secretive, she's a liar and she's
a terrible actress. Fuck that cunt! Get
away! Far away! NOW, YOU FUCKER! Be a man
John, if you take her back now, then you
deserve your fucked-up life with that crazy
bitch. (Maybe we can get Tom Delay
to get the whole fucking legislature back
at midnight tonight, and pass some legislation
to make marriage between these two illegal...
I'm sure Bush would sign
I get a letter from Adrianne Curry?
I've posted the letter in the Octagon
section, and you can be the judge.
reports say that the new Star Wars film
is a bloodbath!
I sure hope so.
got a few comments about Kingdom of
Heaven, and none of it really has anything
to do with the movie. Would someone please
give Ridley Scott an Academy
Award so that he will stop trying so hard
to make a movie that will earn him an Academy
Award? I'd like to see him return to science
fiction before he dies. And Orlando
Bloom has got to find a film where
he's not carrying a sword before he becomes
the Hugh Grant of the period
films. Finally, the Beefboy has been hearing
a number of ads touting Larry King's opinion
of Kingdom of Heaven. Now correct me if
I'm wrong.. but who gives a fuck what Larry
King thinks about a film! King
is a passable fluff interviewer, at best!
Let's keep things in perspective kids.
of keeping things in perspective, American
Idol is going to face a big controversy
tonight when ABC reveals that Paula
Abdul was screwing some nutsack
contestant. You'd think that we found out
that CNN was being run by al Qaeda. Does
anyone look to American Idol as a serious
musical endeavor? Does anyone over the age
of 13 really sweat the results of that program?
I think it's great that the ABC special
tonight will have more viewers, and cause
more outrage than the stories about the
and the missile
that North Korea's micropenis weasel Kim
Jong Il fired near Japan.
idol is right here America, and he's telling
you to WAKE UP!!!
got a full deck today, so hang on!
you forget that it's Dulciepalooza? Shame
on you! To wrap up Dulcie Younger's
month, I'm introducing a new page, Dig
It!, that offers reviews on CDs, DVDs,
comics and books that either I've found
on my own, or someone has sent in for me
Dulcie Younger and the Silencers are featured
in the music section, but I also have a
review of Image Comics' The Walking
Dead! Please check it out and tell
me what you think. I'll be adding a lot
more over the next few weeks and months.
you're not a member of my Toxic
Goddess Group, then you're missing some
of the most interesting female models, dominatrix,
writers and artists on the web. There's
a steady stream of updates from these Goddesses
and they like posting new pictures in the
photo section too.
you heard about the new Adidas
1? They contain a microprocessor that
adjusts the cushioning of your shoes as
you run. The price tag? Too fucking much
($250)! I think you need a microprocessor
in your BRAIN if you buy that hunk of shit.
How fast do you go through shoes? There's
no way it's worth it unless you run for
a living. Forget about adjusting your cushioning-
if the Beefboy is going to spend $250 for
a pair of sneakers, Adidas better promise
that I get laid (and she better be hot)!
the fuck did Ryan
Seacrest get a star in Hollywood?
I'm not all about the End of Days or anything,
but this has got to be a bad sign.
5 year old urchin in St. Petersburg,
who stormed around, broke shit and was a
general nuisance until cops handcuffed her,
could have been taken care of with one simple
act. Spank her! When she started acting
up, you grab the little shit by the arm,
lead her out to the hallway and blister
her ass! Problem solved... almost. Because
the little brat was unleashed on an undeserving
faculty, when the mother of the girl arrived,
she should have been spanked too! Now Al
Sharpton is heading to St. Petersburg to
weigh in with his opinion. Unless he backs
up what I just said, Al gets a spanking
too (I'm not doing it though... I know enough
Dominatrix that I could get the job done).
anyone considered sending Dog,
the Bounty Hunter, and his husky wife, on
a quest to find Osama bin Laden?
Hey, now that's a reality show! I'd like
to see Dog's wife get Osama in a headlock!
getting closer to the sexy
robots that you see in sci-fi movies.
Some scientist has fashioned a sex doll
that has a heartbeat, uses surgical latex
for skin and can "wiggle her hips".
Call the Beefboy when you create Priss from
to hear about the death of the Cookie
Monster. What? You didn't hear about
Sesame Street's Cookie Monster dying? Okay,
he's not gone, but like the Godfather says..."He's
dead to me." Apparently, the Cookie
Monster is going on a diet and claiming
that cookies are a "sometimes food".
Fuck that horseshit! I like cookies just
fine, and I grew up with Sesame Street,
but the two are NOT CONNECTED! Am I dreaming
this sort of stuff?
McDonald is getting a make-over. He's
going to have several new outfits, including,
but not limited to, a tux, a basketball
jersey and a beach suit. I'm sorry guys,
but you can't disguise the fact that if
you eat at McDonalds you're going to be
a fat tub of shit (I should know). You can
dress him in Speedos and have him played
by Brad Pitt, but you're
just putting a new mask on an old obese
the tenth anniversary of the Oklahoma City
bombing. I've got a few things to say about
that in my feature
just bought some music editing software.
Does anyone know where I can get a hold
of some open license music, to mix and mash?
to my buddy Shawn, Allen and Irish Mike,
who were nice enough to write in to me and
tell me the name of the mystery hot chick.
Her name is Veronica Zemanova!
guys, here's some extra pictures for you
three, and everyone else. Let's just say
that these are probably the cleanest pictures
of Veronica on the internet. Not too hard
on the eyes, right?
baby! I'm making some chili today. Want
some? Here's my recipe.
Beefboy's Rockabilly Chili
of Ground Beef Baby!
2 medium yellow onions
4 cans of diced tomatoes and green chilies
4 small cans of tomato sauce
3 tbls of sugar
3 tbls of chili powder
2 tbls of cumin
2 tbls of crushed red pepper
2 tsp salt
1 bottle of beer (whatever you like the
a fat pot. Cut up onions into small pieces,
add the beef and completely brown and drain.
Take a sip of the beer, add all the other
ingredients (including the beer), stir and
simmer for about an hour (or as long as
you can hold out).
with Fritos, sour cream, shredded cheddar
and a frosty brew!
I'm calling it! Britney Spears
has jumped the shark! What is Britney's
one redeeming feature? Those abs- and now
they're going... going... gone! With the
marriage to some nobody nutsack and a little
of joy on the way, and a blatant rip
off of Jessica Simpson's
soon to UPN (not to mention her recurring
slutastic redneck trailer trash antics),
the Beefboy has moved her off my radar.
Anyone else want to join the Beefboy?
to Prince Charles who managed
the ugliest woman in Britain. All I'm
saying is, if the Beefboy had the title
"Future King of England", I'd
like to think I could pull a better chick
than someone who looks like the fucking
Flash! The United States will cease
to exist in 2007! How do I know that?
Well, some Palestinian nutsack has interpreted
passages in the Koran that he says suggests
that the US will be destroyed by a tsunami.
Don't buy your life raft yet. I'm more afraid
of the destruction brought about by Josh
Grobin getting radio play (because
seriously, he sucks nuts... I'm saying that
Josh Grobin, not only sucks nuts, but rolls
them around in his mouth to compare and
contrast their taste and consistency).
who is the girl above? Benny sent the Beefboy
a Powerpoint presentation that starred this
chick and I seriously need to know who she
is... for scientific reasons, of course.
the Beefboy: email@example.com
Nutsack of the Moment
Chick of the Moment
video on the Beefboy's Kinky
Juke... an unrated version of Prodigy's
Smack My Bitch Up!
Fontana on Model
Younger has just been inducted
into the Toxic Goddess
Hall of Fame and there's more to come
Octagon has been updated with a letter
from my buddy Shawn.
4 , 2005
the Beefboy, I'm feeling a little windy
month is Dulciepalooza! More soon...
again, to all the Beefanatics! March had
over 610,000 hits and I had so much traffic
that I had to upgrade my hosting service.
Holy nuts ahoy! That's good shit. Thank
you all (tell your friends)!
compared his current struggle with the
struggles of human rights icon, Nelson
Mandela. The Beefboy is amazed
at how "black" MJ has become recently.
Suddenly, Jacko pretends he's an original
member of Public Enemy. Fight the power,
Michael?... Fuck you!
crazy Russian scientists have
confirmed something the Beefboy has
known for a long time... corporal punishment
is good for you! They report that regular
caning can lead to weight loss, defeat alcoholism
and cure depression! It can also enhance
your sex hormones and enhance your immune
response. So, the question I have for you
is- who's going to be the first bad girl
in line to take her swats? Master Beefboy
out there saw the premier wrestling event
of the year, Wrestlemania? The Couch
Pirates and I got together on Sunday
and got ready to see the best that the WWE
has to offer. Unfortunately, they didn't
offer a lot. JBL got the
quickest, most ridiculous chump job EVER.
After holding the belt for almost a year,
he just dropped it like a bowl of chili
with a severed finger in it. What were they
thinking? That's pathetic. Also, no tag
teams, a useless match between Eddie
Guerrero and Rey Mysterio,
a boring match with the Undertaker
and a slew of cheesy cameos, make Wrestlemania
21, one of the worst, if not, THE WORST,
of all time. Weak Vince, weak.
also had an opportunity to see Sin City
this weekend. Before I tell you what I thought,
let me make some of my typically ingenuous
observations. Apparently, some news story
moved on the wire about the content of Sin
City, and almost every conservative
talk show host, had some inane comment about
a movie THEY DID NOT SEE! Once again, let
the Beefboy reiterate the fucking rules!
First off, if you're a conservative, you
don't get to comment on art. Period. Secondly,
if you haven't seen the movie, you don't
get to tell the Beefboy if it's good or
not. See how simple that is?
with that build up, let me say that I'm
a big fan of Sin City- the comic.
Robert Rodriguez had the
stones to take the straight graphic novels
and just use them as storyboards with dialogue.
If you've read Sin City, you know
what the dialogue is like. It's pithy noir-speak.
I would suggest that, unless your name is
David Mamet, Dashiell
Hammett or Elmore Leonard,
you might want to stay away from this type
of dialogue in a movie.
know those 80's Chuck Norris
films, where right before, or right after,
he kills some nutsack, he has a cute little
line that he uses as an exclamation point?
Well, Sin City is like a series
of those lines as dialogue. After a while
(a short while), it gets very very very
Sin City is impressive and Mickey
Rourke's segment is nearly good
enough to suggest seeing the movie, but
let's be honest. Only fans of the comic
will enjoy this movie, and many of them
won't like it either. However, this is a
movie that could easily spawn a midnight
movie phenomenon, so don't count it out
yet. It's so bad, that's it's good.
Bumpkins: I recently saw a sticker
in the shape of a Chevrolet logo, but inside
the logo was the stars and bars of the Dixie
to the Minutemen! Want to know the definition
of being good American citizens? The Minutemen
is a group of patriots who have grabbed
the guns off their racks and headed out
to the Arizona desert to help
the border patrol nab assholes who are
trying to sneak over our border. They helped
catch 18 yesterday! The Beefboy applauds
the Minutemen! I hope your gesture is heard
loud and clear in Washington.
of the border, let's talk a bit about Mexican
President Vicente Fox.
said that trying to secure our borders
is "discriminatory" and "against
freedom". The Beefboy thinks that Vicente
Fox has forgotten that he is the leader
of a third world country, and that he is
merely the top ass-kisser for his nation.
Every time he visits the U.S., Fox should
bring some maize as tribute and beg us not
to be angry! Since Fox is so concerned about
discrimination and freedom, maybe we should
bill Fox for the hospitals and schools that
are dying from supporting his nation's illegal
invaders. Better yet, we can tell him to
suck our big fat swollen cock and have INS
escort him back over the border!
month's Playboy Magazine quotes Angelina
Jolie as saying, "I need more
sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone
in the world." The Beefboy is ready
for his taste test darlin'.
makes strange bedfellows, and the Beefboy
is about to munch carpet on Democrat Dianne
Feinstein for her stand
on our nation's borders. Among other things,
she points out that our borders are swiss
cheese and that, "it seems to me that
if I were a terrorist and I wanted to come
in the United States, this is the way I
would do it." Holy nuts ahoy! Sounds
like some national politician besides Tom
Tancredo is waking up in Washington!
Let's give the rest of congress a reality
enema and start doing something besides
playing footsies with baseball players up
someone just kill Castro? Thanks.
little Wafah. Apparently,
she wants to be a pop
star in New York, but she can't understand
why record execs look at her like she just
asked to take their children to a sleepover
at Jacko's house. Now,
I could be wrong Wafah, but maybe it's the
fact that you're the niece of the biggest
fucking nutsack on the planet, Osama
bin Laden! There's not a PR firm
in the world that could help you out with
that pedigree sister! Everyone on the planet
can't (and shouldn't) be a pop star anyway.
Go to Germany- if they love Hasselhoff,
they'll take anyone.