The Oil Problem... Solved
June 19, 2008 - Price for oil just tipped over $136 per barrel. The national average for gas prices has just gone over $4.00 a gallon. Congress passed a “comprehensive energy bill” last year, and nearly broke their arms patting themselves on the back, but now you can see how useless that was. Instead of solving the problem, Congress continues to hold meetings and tries to pass a new round of taxes on the gas companies, not to lower the cost of gas, but just to punish them! So what can the Beefboy do about the price of oil and the looming energy crisis? To put it simply – the Beefboy can solve the problem once and for all. Interested? Grab a note pad, a pen, your favorite member of Congress, sit back, relax, enjoy and let the Beefboy do what the Beefboy does best… and that’s break it right on down for you.
Oil is a commodity, just like water or wheat, and it’s affected by supply and demand just like any other commodity. If you want cheaper gas, then you have to have a greater supply or less demand of that commodity. That’s the solution. Nothing else you do, in the short term, will affect how much you pay for gas.
Solutions that don’t address the supply or demand of oil do nothing for you at the pump. Democrats want to tax the profits of gas companies. You either have to be a sub-moron, or an evil political wag to think that’s going to help anyone. If you tax a company, the money will go to the government, which will be wasted on the usual bullshit. Meanwhile, the gas companies will pass the loss on to their customers in the form of HIGHER GAS PRICES. You lose on two counts there Beefanatics. Taxing the gas companies makes the government fatter and you thinner. Get it?
Ethanol as an alternative fuel source is literally a pipe dream. It’s been proven that it takes more energy to convert corn, sugar cane and soy to a usable fuel than the energy it returns. That means it’s a negative gain as an energy resource. Additionally, the amount of farm land it would require to grow enough food to replace oil would force us to lose about a third of the living space in this country. Using corn, sugar cane and soy, all commodities, as a fuel source also drives up the cost of food, which means you’re getting hit at the pump and at the grocery store. Neat!
Since I’ve dispelled a couple of energy myths, it’s time to tackle some real solutions. The easiest way to help with supply, and drive prices down, is to drill more. Period. All the tree hugging pansies out there that are keeping us from drilling in places like the coast of Florida and in arctic wastelands like Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska, are threatening the economy and security of this country and should be rounded up, put in re-education camps and forced to eat raw meat and watch Chuck Norris movies until they grow a pair! And if I hear one more Democrat say, "We can't drill our way out of this problem," the Beefboy would like to point out that we can't TALK our way out of this problem either!
By drilling more domestically we can not only drive our own prices down, but we can stop buying oil from nutsacks like Hugo Chavez and Muslim countries that seek our destruction. The fact is that we’re funding both sides of the war on terror and that’s no longer acceptable in any way. If cheaper gas is not a good enough reason to drill at home, how does saving the life of your children sound?
Besides the supply issue, we also have a crisis in relation to our refineries. If you want a legitimate reason to bitch at oil companies, the refinery issue is an easy target. While the environmentalists have to take part of the blame, there hasn’t been a new oil refinery built in America since Carter was President. Refineries are old, inefficient, operating at maximum capacity and on their last legs. Congress must enact legislation to clear out all the ridiculous environmental roadblocks and offer a stick-and-carrot approach to prod oil companies into spending some of those profits on infrastructure investment.
Speaking of refineries, we desperately need a universal blend of gas. Letting states, or regions, pick their own special blend are unnecessarily taxing an already over-taxed and aging refinery system. If one refinery goes down, the gas for an entire region skyrockets into the stratosphere, while other regions are powerless to assist. A universal, federal blend of gas could help avert a supply shortage in a crisis and would keep prices down overall.
Oil is traded in American Dollars, and right now the Dollar is seriously weakened. What does this mean to you? It means that India and China are buying oil dirt cheap. It means they buy more because they are getting a discount! To counter this we need to stop printing Dollar bills like Monopoly money and we need to pay off our fucking national debt! Yes, this means that Congress, once again, needs to get their cocks out of each other’s asses and do something for a change!
What I’ve outlined so far is all for the purpose of dealing with oil over the short term. What you may, or may not know is that at some point in the next couple of decades, the worldwide demand for oil is going to outpace our ability to keep up. It’s even possible that countries in the Middle East have already met peak production and that soon those wells will dry up! Add to that, the growing demand for oil in developing countries like India and China, and we’re looking at double or triple the cost of gas in the near future. Are you ready for $10.00 a gallon at the pump? It’s coming.
Obviously we’ve got to get off our oil addiction. Once again, the Beefboy is here for you! While corn is not going to cut it for fuel, we may have other biofuel options in switchgrass, which produces five times the energy yield of corn. Cars that run off of compressed natural gas are already available, produce almost no greenhouse gases, and CNG is only one third the price of gasoline. Maybe we need to look at hydrogen fuel cells. And by the way, what the hell happened to electric cars? An upstart car company called Tesla Motors may be working on a serious line of electric cars that are less like shitty golf carts and more like what you’re driving right now.
We also need to be building nuclear power plants like the French have done over the past thirty years. Nuclear power would alleviate the drain on the grid and keep us from using fossil fuels to light and heat our homes. In fact, if you combine nuclear power, nano-solar and wind turbines to power the grid and use electric cars, then we’ve almost solved our oil problem entirely.
Frankly, everything is the answer! If we can implement all of our solutions then the combination will set us free.
The total solution for the oil problem will only be achieved by the same people who solve every problem, that is individual visionaries and entrepreneurs, who stand to make a buck out of supplying the world with ideas. To that end, we need Congress to put a Billion Dollar Bounty on a cheap, environmentally sound, plentiful and viable fuel system that can replace oil, once and for all. Then the only use for oil will be full body massages... and we can tell the sheiks to choke on the rest!
Almost everything I’ve outlined here for you could be solved with a REAL COMPREHENSIVE ENERGY BILL. The Beefboy is not an elected official. While I can tell you how to fix this, you are the only ones who can make it happen. Yes… you! How often do I ask you to do anything besides read my stuff and enjoy the pretty pictures? Well, this time I’m asking you to take some responsibility as a citizen and find out the names of the nutsacks who represent you in congress. Write them an angry, but respectful letter and tell them to stop thinking about re-election and start thinking about our poor children. If we don’t solve this energy problem, for the first time in American history, we will give our kids a country with fewer opportunities and greater hardship. I don’t want that on my conscience, and neither should congress.
So… there’s your energy crisis solved. What else you got for me? Bring it! I don’t need a focus group or a congressional study. I did that all by myself in about five minutes. The Beefboy is a one-man think tank. I’m like Aristotle, Einstein and Lex Luthor all rolled into one badass mother fucker. I got your solutions… right here bitch!
- The Beefboy