Paris Hilton... more qualified than Caroline Kennedy!
No! No! Caroline Kennedy can NOT be a senator! That’s fucking stupid! She’s just a rich kid with a famous name! She’s a fucking NOBODY!
Since Hillary is going to be our new Secretary of State, then the Governor of New York is in charge of picking her successor. Caroline Kennedy has put her name in the hat and is campaigning for the seat. If Caroline Kennedy is qualified to be a Senator, then so is Paris Hilton. And Paris is hotter!!!
America! Wake up! The absolute last thing we need right now is to fill an important seat with a person with more celebrity than accomplishments. We need to put someone that we’ve never heard of before, that has intelligence and accolades and accomplishments out the ass!!! We can’t afford to play games with Congress and appoint rich kids because they think it would be fun.
Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler
Some nutsack parents decided to ruin their child’s entire life by naming their kid “Adolf Hitler” and then complained when Walmart decided not to make a birthday cake saying “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler”. Well, I’ve got bad news for those parents.
While the Beefboy believes that it’s your right to destroy your own child’s future by naming them something stupid, you have no right whatsoever to complain when the rest of the world calls you on your bullshit! We don’t have to play along with all your silly fucking games! By all means, be a piece of duke, but don’t be surprised when the rest of us say you stink!
December 8, 2008
People Magazine finally got it right this year!
You know what offends the Beefboy?... people who “offend” easily. Go read the Declaration of Independence and you’ll learn that, as Americans, we are guaranteed the inalienable rights of “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”. No one guarantees you the right to not be OFFENDED. In fact, if you seriously want someone to cater to your sensibilities then you’re a fucking pansy.
This time of year, people who have nothing else better to do, and who possess absolutely no power in their life, can pretend they are important by demanding that public displays of Christmas lights or Christmas trees be removed because they are “offended”.
Now this may offend you, but if you want Christmas trees removed, then FUCK YOU. Christmas trees are actually a pagan symbol that was appropriated by Christians, and Christmas lights are pretty. No one is hurt in any way by these non-denominational symbols, in fact, it’s nice to see everything lit up for a month and a half every year. Not that there's anything wrong with denominational symbols either. If you can't take a cross or a menorah, then you seriously need to stay home and work on your self esteem.
I’ve seen my share of all manner of religious symbols, throughout the year, and I’ve never felt like those symbols affected me in one way or the other. You must be an outrageously weak and inconsequential fuck if seeing something you don’t agree with causes you so much distress that instead of looking the other way, you actually spend time trying to have it removed from the public eye.
I don’t like Josh Grobin, and I wouldn’t mind if we put Josh Grobin and every CD, DVD or 8 Track Tape he’s ever recorded on a rocket and fired it into the sun, but I’m not going to contact my city council, NASA, the New York Times and Oprah Winfrey, and whine about it like a nutsack until that happens! For some reason, there are people who like Josh Grobin. I may laugh at them. Hell I may make jokes about Josh Grobin fans and Josh Grobin himself, but if I don’t like Josh Grobin all I really have to do is turn the guy off when I hear him and not buy his albums and I’m fine. I wouldn’t try to keep his fans from hearing him. That’s fucking stupid. The world is big enough for the Beefboy and Josh Grobin… barely.
The world is also big enough for Christmas lights and atheists to co-exist. If you’re the type of person who sees Christmas lights and are “offended”, then perhaps you should take a peak inside your pants and see how small your penis really is.
November 23, 2008
- If you listened to the political pundits you would think that President Elect Obama has already created a Tower of Liberalism through his actions over the past couple of weeks. The Beefboy would like to ask one more time for everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, to give the guy a chance to at least get sworn in before we try so hard to tear him down. I think there are actually some encouraging signs from the past couple of weeks.
A lot of people had problems with Obama's choice of Raum Emanuel, a clear partisan, as Chief of Staff. Raum is supposed to be a pit bull, and frankly, if I was going to be President, and I was nominating someone to play gate-keeper, then I'd want a pit bull too.
I think if the rumors are true, that Hillary Clinton is actually an excellent choice for Secretary of State. In fact, that tells me two things about Obama. He's willing to put someone in foreign policy that has a level head and a moderate stance. Plus, even more importantly, Obama gets extra points for putting a former rival in an important decision. That shows guts and wisdom.
Finally, let's not dismiss the most important thing Obama has advocated in the last couple of weeks... an Eight Team playoff system for the NCAA college football championship! Hell!... that idea alone would have been enough to sway a lot of votes if he'd just laid that out prior to the election!
My point is that we don't REALLY have a lot to go on and we're not doing anyone, including the country, any favors by eating up our new President two months before he takes office. We need a strong and successful President right now. Let's get behind him and give him a chance to succeed.
There will be plenty of time and opportunities to criticize him soon enough.
November 16, 2008
- Lindsay Lohan (above) said that she’s happy to be in the country with our first “colored” President? Who says that?!! Did she grow up in the 40’s?!!! What the fuck?
Lindsay needs to wear a ball gag and a bikini by law.
- I’ve got bad news for the biased media. If the day of the election, when the stock market went up, it was an “Obama Bounce” then the day after the election, when the stock market dives 500 points, that’s an “Obama Crash”.
- Call Sarah Conner. There's something incredibly CREEPY about a robot playing the violin.
- Let’s talk about television’s switch from an analog signal to a digital signal. The government has been banging the drum on the switch for well over a year now. The vast majority of people who watch TV are either on cable or satellite anyway and thus are not affected.
So, what you’ve got left over are people who are watching television on rabbit ears AND are too fucking stupid to pay attention to a year long massive media campaign telling them that analog TVs won’t work when the switch happens. The Beefboy says fuck them!
Frankly, if you can’t figure this out by now, you need to turn the fucking TV off and go read a fucking book!
I hooked up a digital television to rabbit ears and you wouldn’t believe the incredible quality of the signal and the extra channels you get FOR FREE! If some stupid people get up one morning and all they get is static, then we’re better off as a society.
November 9, 2008
- What if I offered you one million dollars to play the stock market? Interested? Follow the link below.
There are some seriously good things that will come with Obama as President and some things of great concern. The Beefboy will be glad to start with the good and end with the good.
No matter how you slice it, Obama is a newbie to Washington D.C. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned! All the "experience" in government has brought us economic collapse, outrageous overspending, corruption, arrogance and blindness to the plight of the masses. Even someone with little or no experience is a welcome change.
America will also benefit from a renewed makeover in the eyes of the world. Bush has not only managed to piss off everyone in America, he's pretty much crapped in everyone else's Wheaties for the past eight years. While I don't mind if Iran and North Korea hates our guts... making our allies, like Great Britain and Germany, think twice about supporting us is not good for anyone. President Obama will be adored by the world.
I don't know how serious Obama will be about fighting terrorism, but having a President with the name "Barack Hussein Obama" will make it exceptionally hard for bladderless nutsacks, like Osama Bin Laden, to paint us as "The Great Satan" to new recruits. Suddenly, our top guy is not some pasty rich dude. Overnight, and without firing a shot, terrorism propaganda took a kick to the groin. Think about all the brochures and training films that Al Qaeda will have to toss in the trash!
Also, with the election of our first black President, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton immediately become relics of a bygone era. A racist country can't elect an African-American to the highest office in the land. Maybe now we can stop being Lithuanian-Americans, Jewish-Americans, Native-Americans, and every other hyphenated derivative splinter group and just concentrate on being Americans... plain and simple.
Now on to the bad news. Obama has shown very little resistance when it comes to fighting against his own party. With Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running Congress there's a shit-ton of bad legislation that's going to be placed on President Obama's desk in the very near future. If he doesn't veto some of that crap we're going to make Paris Hilton's shopping sprees look like sound fiscal policy.
The Beefboy has also been hearing about a "National Police Force" that has the same power as the military. I sincerely hope that fascist fucking shit stays in Star Wars movies and in novels like 1984, because it absolutely has no place in this free country. You can expect me to go nuts if that gets brought up again.
I also suspect that Democrats will pass the "Fairness Doctrine" which is possibly the biggest threat to free speech in my lifetime. If you think a National Police Force is going to get me going, just wait until the "Fairness Doctrine" becomes law!
Now with all of that said, let me put in a good word for President-Elect Obama. He has what I would consider to be the biggest mandate since President Reagan. He has a great deal of support, both here and abroad. Obama has a nation hungry for a shakeup and a world in turmoil. If he uses the power and goodwill and momentum he possesses properly, then he truly can do some amazing things for this country, and maybe even this planet.
We need a great President right now. I sincerely hope that Obama is the man for the job.
But if he's not. The Beefboy will be here to tell you so.
November 2, 2008
- Above is a photo of Kim Kardashian as Wonder Woman for Halloween. That works for me! I think I have a Wonder Woman fetish! Mind you, I'm not apologizing for that. My fetishes are vast and varied... and fairly well documented.
- The Beefboy can't tell you how glad I am that we're only 48 hours away from the end of the longest running Presidential campaign EVER! No matter who wins this thing, it's going to be nice to take a year long break... before the next Presidential campaign starts up again!
- The only thing I'm going to miss about election season is the political skits from SNL. It's highly uncertain they can keep this up over a long haul, and to be honest, for the reason I mentioned above, once we get past Tuesday, I think we'd all like to drink some egg nog and forget about politics for a while. SNL is the least biased thing that airs on NBC, and that certainly includes the Nightly News.
Here's McCain's appearance on Saturday Night Live from last night.
- They're getting an early start on next year's Dancing with the Stars...
October 19, 2008
- You can look back on the last few years and see that the Beefboy has been a very vocal proponent of how lousy Saturday Night Live had become. As it turns out, political craziness and economic strife make for good comedy.
See the video below for a good example of how much things have turned around at SNL... at least when it comes to politics. Let me ask you a question... what do you think is more influential on the perception of Sarah Palin, the debates or Tina Fey's impression of her?
- I guess what we’re trying to do now is take our shitty country and turn it into a paradise like Cuba or Venezuela. I mean, everyone knows that socialism has made everyone in those countries fabulously wealthy, with amazing health care and milk and cookies for everyone!
If I could just get a piece of living in cardboard boxes and driving a relatively new 1957 Chevy (rust colored), then I’d really be lucky!
Obama wants to “spread the wealth around” and McCain wants the government to buy everyone’s mortgages. No matter how this election turns out, we’re well on our way to Socialistic Nirvana, Beefantatics!
- The Beefboy has noticed that they are offering a new Handjob Elmo this Christmas for $70. This Elmo does your taxes, fucks your wife, plays the ukulele and teaches you the principles of Existentialism.
Remember when toys were much simpler? Instead of engaging in Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games, we played checkers… with real live people… right in front of us. I grew up with an Atari 2600, which was fun, but not so fun that after a while you got bored and went out to play.
Everything is handed to kids these days. No one is required to create their own world from scratch. Everything has its own cartoon series and licensing deal now. Everything is electronic or online or social networking.
You know about the best toy the Beefboy ever got? It was a huge refrigerator box that I made into a fort and invited my friends over to play “war”! I sure as shit didn't need an “interactive online community” for that.
October 14, 2008
- Ringo Starr wants you to stop sending him fan mail and requests for signatures.
Good for him! Who knew Ringo was still alive?
October 13, 2008
- Below is The Halloween Party in Oklahoma City this year! The Beefboy will be there... might even be on stage!
October 6, 2008
- The Beefboy would like to point out that all the economic “experts” who are quick to tell you how stupid you are, and how you “just don’t understand” their complex financial knowledge, were ALL WRONG. That’s right. They missed it.
All their education and money and experience and knowledge didn’t mean shit when it came right down to it. People who actually thought leveraging one part collateral versus thirty-three parts fluff, could have justified that to you all day. People who insured those loans could have filled your head with language that would have justified their role. Everyone knew more than YOU, but they WERE ALL WRONG!
Everyone failed us. Our leaders failed us, including but not limited to everyone in Congress, the President, and the Federal Reserve. Wall Street failed us by chasing profit over good sense. People who borrowed more than they could afford failed us. In fact, I don’t feel sorry for anyone except you and me, because we’re the poor sheeple that are going to have to take it up the ass and pay for all of this.
The President is out of here in three months. Congress, the people who complain about CEO’s “golden parachute,” all have the biggest golden parachute out there. Wall Street got the bail-out. Home owners with sub-prime mortgages are going to get breaks and hand-outs and maybe new lower interest mortgages.
WE JUST GET THE BILL. Thanks.
- What is the word I heard most about today's stock market?
Meltdown is not a word you want to hear when you're talking about the economy. In fact, the only context that "meltdown" is acceptable is if you're talking about chocolate. We're definitely not talking about chocolate here Beefanatics.
- Do you live near Oklahoma City or are you willing to travel to OKC? See below...
Want some incredible publicity? Want some amazing photos?
The Beefboy Rants website and Sight Key Studios are looking for sexy models for bikini and lingerie, Maxim magazine-style photos. Selected models will get an opportunity to work with Sight Key Studios photographers Robert Henry and Dirk Hooper. Models will get a set of highly-stylized glamour photos, fully worked, on a CD or DVD that they can use for their own portfolio.
You will also get a profile page with your name, some modeling information and a link to your own online portfolio on the Beefboy Rants, a website that literally gets 4 million hits a month and is seen around the world!
If you’re interested, please send an email, a face shot and a couple of full body shots (or a link to your online portfolio). Send your name, your availability and the best way to get in touch with you.
Or you can drop by Sight Key Studios at: 3630 NW 50th Street, Oklahoma City, OK 73112
October 5, 2008
- The Beefboy wishes that SNL wasn't so biased, but bless Tina Fey's hot little ass, she gave us another hilarious take on Sarah Palin. See the video below.
October 4, 2008
- I just heard that O.J. Simpson was convicted on 12 accounts and may possibly spend the rest of his life in jail. The real tragedy here is that with O.J. in jail, there's no way he can continue his search for the real killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Is there no justice in this world?
October 2, 2008
- I apologize in advance for talking about debates.
The first debate, in the Beefboy's humble opinion, was won by Barack Obama. I think he was the cooler head, he gave simple and direct answers and included a clear list of responses to questions. McCain seemed a little too punchy, and he was answering accusations that neither the moderator nor Obama raised.
I think McCain came across as too coached and not as quick on his feet as Obama.
I just got through watching the debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing that the viewers on this debate will beat the viewers for Obama and McCain. The lead-up to this debate had the mainstream media painting Palin as an idiot. She was carrying the mantle of a modern era Dan Quayle.
Well, the liberal pundits managed to slit their own throats by setting the bar so low for Palin to hurdle. Palin probably saved the McCain campaign (again) by not only performing up to par, but by beating the tar out of Biden. While not long on specifics, she certainly had substantive arguments and was almost infinitely more charismatic.
You can't base anything on a Vice Presidential Debate (the aforementioned Dan Quayle got destroyed by Lloyd Bentson... but still won the contest with the elder Bush), but in this case Palin's performance helped by showing McCain's pick was sound.
Watch out for Palin in four years, no matter what happens with this election.
October 1, 2008
- Remember back about a year ago when the majority of congress and Big Bank all decided that it would be a good idea to make it harder for you, The Little Guy, to file bankruptcy and get out of BAD DEBT? They all managed to come together to stick it to you real good.
Well, it’s those same players that are now coming to you, The Little Guy, and expecting all of us to bail them out of BAD DEBT! The Beefboy has some advice for the members of congress and Big Bank…
Whatever principles (graft) and directives (graft) that brought you to the conclusion that we, as a society, should be “more responsible” and not be able to easily dissolve our BAD DEBT are the same principles and directives that should be used in this case to address the problems that both congress and Big Bank have brought on themselves.
If me and you, The Little Guy, has to ride a sinking ship of debt to the depths of the ocean then so should Big Bank. Period.
You fuckers need The Little Guy now, after you shit on us? Fuck You.
- Next up is a long overdue addition of Torchwood star Eve Myles! Visit the Official Eve Myles Beefboy Gallery. When does that new season start up on BBC America? Until then at least you have some photos to keep you company.
- Who is Katrina Campins? She's the ex-contestant on The Apprentice and a regular contributor to FOX News. I just happened to look online for any photos of her... and well... she's very fond of photo shoots. Go to the Official Katrina Campins Beefboy Gallery to see more of her.
- Last, but certainly not least, we have WWE Diva Mickey James who is a very naughty girl! Check out the super steamy Mickey James Beefboy Gallery and thanks to my buddy Scott for hooking me (and you) up with these photos!
September 26, 2008
- There’s an interesting experiment going on with the movie American Carol. The ad campaign for American Carol is running heavily on FOX News and radio spots with right wing hosts. The gist of the ads is “this is a conservative movie made with conservative values.” They specifically mention that Hollywood is liberal and making conservative movies is a death sentence for the participants.
The Beefboy thinks there is truth to the allegation, in fact I’ve said as much before, but they have overlooked something. Two movies this last summer have potential to wake up the liberal Hollywood establishment. Iron Man and the Dark Knight both had a conservative bent and they ended up as number two and number one respectively.
Besides, American Carol will suffer from something that ads can’t solve. That’s a stupid fucking name for a movie. What the shit does American Carol mean? Is it a Christmas movie? No? Then it shouldn’t have the word “Carol” in the title.
Clever ad campaign. Shitty title.
- Is there any chance that we can get a Capitalist to run for President? The Beefboy understands that’s a lot to ask. McCain and Obama are competing over who can spend more of our money to buy bad private businesses. If we’re going that route, why don’t we just make Hugo Chavez our President? At least that guy is honest about wanting to create a Socialist Utopia!
I can promise you one thing Beefanatics- neither one of those guys is prepared to deal with what’s coming for them. Economic turmoil, Russia’s ascendance to regaining world power, soaring inflation, China’s desire to buy America for wholesale prices, a burgeoning energy crisis, rampant unchecked illegal immigration, expensive and unavailable health care, Islamic terrorism, Israel preparing to attack Iran, social security meltdown, global food shortage and the continued proliferation of Geico Caveman commercials are all issues that the next President will have to contend with.
We need a fucking Presidential Dream Team to tackle all that shit! I’m sorry to say that I don’t see anyone on the horizon with the charisma, experience and philosophy that could fix all of this.
September 23, 2008
- Bend over Beefanatics! With Congress hard at work to “fix” the problems on Wall Street, you can expect to take it up the cranny not just now, but for decades to come. Enron begat the Sarbannes/Oxley debacle and the sub prime mortgage fiasco will certainly create a typical Washington OVERREACTION.
You can be sure that Congress is looking out for everyone’s interest except yours. Insurance conglomerates, financial institutions, big boy CEOs, special interest groups and investing gurus will all be taken care of and treated with feathers and silk blankets. You and me however, will be buttfucked with Uncle Sam’s special legislative dildo and carry the financial aftereffects for the rest of our natural lives (unless Congress figures out a way to tax us in the afterlife).
Mind you, it’s the list of nutsacks I outlined above, Congress and the President, that’s responsible for the mess we’ve got right now… it’s just that they won’t have to feel any pain for their evil and illegal actions. Just us. You and me. We are brothers in pain while the fat cats eat tuna on crystal plates.
This is a great country but our leaders are assholes. We’re going to continue to experience this sort of thing until we throw them an old fashioned pitchfork and torch party and wake their asses up!
September 19, 2008
- Did I just hear that Russia is going to help Cuba create a Space Program? Yes. It's true. The Beefboy can't make this shit up Beefanatics!!!
Let's set aside the amazingly bad idea of giving the Cuban people high tech (okay, we're talking about Russia, so let's say medium tech). Has it ever occurred to Russia that the only thing Cuban engineers have worked on for the past five decades is '56 Chevy's? I mean seriously, have you seen the condition of the boats that wash up on the Florida coast? If you can't construct something that keeps out sea water how the fuck are you going to keep out the vacuum of SPACE?!!
Here's an idea. Instead of spending billions of rubles on a slab of concrete to launch rockets, why doesn't Russia spend some fucking money on the crumbling infrastructure of an island nation that has effectively buttfucked it's citizens for well over half a century to feed the ego of an evil asshole Communist throwback dictator who doesn't even have the good sense to shave his own scraggly beard?!!!
No one wears a beard like that any more Fidel! The fucking birdnest beard is OVER, you tool! Only you, homeless people and Berkeley Professors rock that beard Castro! SHAVE IT!
I'm sorry... what was I talking about? Cuba and a space program? Yeah... you kids have fun with that.
September 18, 2008
- The Beefboy just heard that the buyout of AIG is going to cost every single person in America $248. Does saving an insurance company with exposure largely in China and other asian nations sound like a good use of your $248?
How about the buyout of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Who voted on all of this? No one. Not one member of congress voted to buyout AIG, not the President, and certainly not us. Does the phrase "taxation without representation" ring a bell with you? We’ve got the Federal Reserve, an extra-governmental agency, spending our money like Paris Hilton!!! Fuck that shit!
Meanwhile, how do you feel about mortgaging our children’s future on a 200 billion dollar “stimulus package”. Do you feel stimulated yet? The Beefboy certainly is!
If you missed it, our government, the United States government, just became The De Facto Player in both Real Estate and Insurance. I challenge you to pick up the Constitution and show the Beefboy where playing this deeply in the private market is allowed.
September 16, 2008
- Unfortunately I had to remove my forum. I love the idea but that particular program does an exceptionally lousy job of keeping spamming nutsacks from posting and the last thing I need is another job policing the thing. If anyone has any ideas on how to implement an official Beefboy Forum, let me know and I'll take a look at it.
September 15, 2008
- The Palin/Clinton opening on Saturday Night Live last weekend was pretty damn funny. Lately, the political satire is the only thing they do well. If you're interested, check it out here.
September 6, 2008
- Season one of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, although truncated by the writer's strike, was a sharp and exciting action series. The next season (with Summer Glau above) starts on Monday on FOX.
This season also features one of the Beefboy's all time favorite women, Shirley Manson, from Garbage!
September 5, 2008
The Fake Photo of Sarah Palin in a Bikini
The Original Photo
Another Fake Photo of Sarah Palin in a Miniskirt
- Well, it didn't take long for the fake Governor Sarah Palin bikini and mini-skirt photos to pop up on the internet. The fact that these are sad Photoshop jobs mask the real point that Palin looks like she could actually be fairly sexy in those outfits for real.
Are we ready for a VPILF?
- Speaking of Palin, I’d like to congratulate the far left on ensuring that the far right is fired up and ready for battle. Up until now, the staunchies have been either napping or sitting on their hands because they don’t like McCain. But now, with the lefty attacks on Sarah Palin, a conservative poster girl if there ever was one, the far right is mad and energized like I haven’t heard in a very long time. The conservatives have found someone to get behind and the liberals are feeding them red meat.
Obama recognized the potential disaster for his own campaign and rightly told his supporters to leave Palin’s family alone, but the left and the media won’t let go. With his pick of Palin for Vice President, McCain could be the most brilliant politician of all time.
- Is it just me? Would you feel better about the direction of the White House if we had the Vice President candidates running for the top spot? The amorphous shadowy positions that McCain and Obama hold make me seriously wonder what the fuck we’re going to get with either one of those guys in there. At least with Biden and Palin we’d have a clue what we’re voting for.
September 1, 2008
Happy Labor Day!!!
- Shit yeah, I've been busy. If you're curious, you can check out the link below to see what's been taking all my time lately. However, I'll be updating more regular now that the studio is open, so check back and check back often.
- MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann (left) is a fucking idiot. I spent a grueling hour watching his show, which consists of taking conservative commentators ideas and routines and just saying the opposite. There is no logic or even creativity in his delivery. He’s the Bizarro Hannity. “Rrrr… Republicans Bad Superman!”
Let me be clear, I don’t have any problem with his liberal opinions, but Olbermann sniffs rarified air as a “journalist” and he’s supposed to be unbiased. If he would just come out and say that he wears knee pads for the Democrats then he could say whatever he wants.
I could make a career out of destroying Keith, night after night, by pointing out his stupidity, but frankly, the Beefboy has more readers than Olbermann has viewers, so unless he pays me for the publicity, I think I’ll let him languish in obscurity.
- One thing Elite XC MMA has over UFC is chick fights! I’m ready to see Gina Carano versus Christiane “Cyborg” Santos. Those women fight with more heart and precision than most of the men! Let’s get it on!
Speaking of Gina Carano, here's a clip of her on the set of the cinematic shoot for Command and Conquer's Red Alert 3 that gives a nice overview of her and what's happening on American Gladiators and in Elite XC.
- You know what? Fuck the Chinese. Seriously. You have over a billion people over there and you have to cheat in gymnastics by pretending that pre-pubescent girls are 16 years old? Only the nutsacks on To Catch a Predator would claim that those chicks were of legal age!
Fuck you China. You want some respect in the world community? You want to be taken seriously? Play fair, or get off the stage while the big girls play.
August 11, 2008
Cold War II
- Time for a healthy dose of "I told you so"! Once again, the Beefboy nails geopolitics like Brad Pitt nails Angelina Jolie! On December 9th, 2006 I told you that Russia was beginning to flex its muscles again and last year on December 3rd, I put Russia on my Red Alert List. Where was the media on this twenty months ago? Absent. Where was your talk show, internet and radio gods on this subject? AWOL! Only the Beefboy gave you the high hard one on this issue! Only the Beefboy shows you the love!
After Bush's speech today on Russia's incursion into Georgia, and Russia's steadfast refusal to back-off, I can officially declare that we are now in the second Cold War. Don't take this lightly. This is serious shit. Politics, economics and security will be greatly affected by this shift over the next months, years and probably decades.
We need leadership right now like never before.
Stay tuned. The Beefboy is ON IT.
August 5, 2008
- About a year ago, I heard someone complain that Hollywood has yet to give us the definitive post September 11 movie. While some crusty directors have tried with diatribe flops like "Rendition" and "Stop Loss," the attempts to give us a serious look at the times we live in have met with derision and yawns.
Well, we finally got the movie that movie critics and sociologists have asked for… "The Dark Knight." Yes, we’re talking about a Batman movie here, but director Christopher Nolan has managed to touch on public paranoia, the breakdown of society, terrorism, politics, torture, civil rights and the ethics involved in dealing with crazy homicidal nutsacks.
With a cast that would be just as comfortable doing Shakespeare as doing Batman, and filmmaking at Hollywood’s highest level of craft, "The Dark Knight" excels because Christopher Nolan takes his subject matter seriously, but never forgets that we watch movies to escape. Nolan addresses the big issues without preaching.
"The Dark Knight" can be enjoyed on many levels, and that’s the point. If you just want to get away… it delivers. If you want to see excellence in film… it delivers. If you want to explore the social and political implications of fighting terrorism… it delivers.
The Dark Knight deserves every dime it makes at the box office.
Did Nolan listen to the Beefboy's podcast on "What's Wrong with Hollywood?" It sure seems like he did.
- I read a lot. Unfortunately, most of what I read are newspapers or business books lately. So, for some reason I decided to make the time to read some fiction. The book I chose was "Kildar," by John Ringo and I was deeply disappointed.
Now, the Beefboy wasn’t looking for a mind expanding experience when I chose that book, merely a good action read, and I heard Ringo’s books were sprinkled with some saucy stuff, so I managed to plod through nearly 500 pages of… well, not much of anything, actually.
The main character had absolutely zero character development, and was largely an uninteresting character to start with. There were no antagonists at all. Every obstacle put in the main character's path were waved away with a fat pocketbook and forgotten. There was almost no action until the very end, and all too brief. Even the sex scenes were pedestrian. It was basically 500 pages of cleaning out a building and getting to know a bunch of Eastern European hillbillies.
Anyone got a good novel for me to read?
- Nancy Pelosi admits that she is holding up a comprehensive energy bill in congress until after the election in November because odds are that Democrats will have more power then and won’t have to compromise as much.
What?!! You’re telling me that politics are the reason that we can’t get any action out of congress for ANOTHER SIX MONTHS? These problems have been evident for well over three fucking decades! Nancy Pelosi has been in charge of a majority for two years. At what point are the members of congress going to do the job they were sent to do and start worrying about us more than their own re-election campaign?
Nancy Pelosi should be arrested for sedition and removed from office immediately. Our energy crisis is not a fucking game. People are suffering. Our oil money is going to our enemy's wallets. Our children's future is on the line.
I hope congress enjoys their five weeks off. After nearly two years without one single piece (not ONE!) of important legislation, at least we're not spending money to light and cool the Capital Building.
July 17, 2008
- After hearing the news all day about "S&M Barbie" I rushed home to see what was up with her. I figured that Mattel had crafted a Barbie with a nip slip or something. Nope. It's a damn Barbie doll of the DC Comics Character Black Canary!
Naturally, some inconsequential Christian group has decided it's "filth", which means I fucking HAVE to HAVE IT! I'm hoping they break sales records for this doll. It comes out in September and the Beefboy is first in line!
July 13, 2008
- I just saw Miss Venezuela win the Miss Universe pageant. Nothing against Miss V, but Miss Russia was outrageously stunning and I was sorry to see her lose. I'd like to enact a little Glasnost and make things up to her... in private.
- I keep hearing about a Federal bailout of Freddie Mac. Why are we bailing out Freddie Mac? I mean he’s got money from the Kings of Comedy Tour and he’s got his TV show and all. He should be doing great!
What?... That’s Bernie Mac? Sorry, my bad.
- The Beefboy is certainly no fan of Jesse Jackson, but I think the biggest mistake he made last weekend was talking like he was in a car, or his own house, while he was under a hot mic. There are far more egregious things Jackson has said over the years. Lord knows I've said things to friends I wouldn't want repeated.
It should be no surprise that Jesse wants to cut Obama’s jumblies! Barack is about to totally render Jackson obsolete! It’s hard to bitch about a racist country and "whitey keeping the black man down," when the nation elects a black man to the highest office in the land!
In fact, that may be the single BEST reason to vote for Obama- it cuts Jackson’s NUTS OFF!!!
- Speaking of Obama. His vision for America is to drive small cars, stop using air conditioning and to speak Spanish. Is this really change we can believe in?
- Apparently billionaire T. Boone Pickens has been reading the Beefboy Rants! He’s basically proposing a couple of the things (but only a couple) that I laid out several weeks ago in my article The Oil Problem: Solved.
Thing is, he’s put a fat ton of money behind some television commercials and now… suddenly… people are talking about CNG cars. Hello?... I wrote the definitive word on how to solve the energy crisis several weeks ago. Others can take the credit, but the Beefboy is the guy who wrapped it up in one big Happy Meal of an article.
Read it. Learn it. Live it.
- I think it's time for the Beefboy to drill in ANWAR... that's Gabrielle Anwar! I don't know what it will do for the energy crisis, but it's good for the crisis in my pants!
- Now for a crapload of Ten Second Movie Reviews:
This is truly the Summer of Comics. "Hellboy 2" opened this weekend, and honestly, the Beefboy was blown away! I love the Hellboy character and all the freaks he hangs out with from the first film (especially the, literally smokin' hot Selma Blair). However, this new film was about ten times better than the first film. Director Guillermo del Toro just moved into my favorite directors pantheon (joining the Coen Brothers, Terry Gilliam, Stanley Kubrick and Jean-Pierre Jeunet). "Hellboy 2" is a visual kick in the balls! It's also funny, exciting and poignant. "Hellboy 2" won't change your life, but it will entertain you and engross you. It's my favorite film of the summer so far, but... "The Dark Knight" opens next week...
My friend Shawn loaned me a copy of "Appleseed: Ex Machina," a CGI anime produced by John Woo! I’ve followed Masamune Shirow’s work for a while now, and the look and concepts are all there, but this film is beautiful! It’s a turbo-charged high-tech action winner! It’s a blast!
I had high hopes for "Wanted" and I think it delivered as well. Russian director Timur Bekmambetov turned in a violent tour de force! And Angelina Jolie! She can kidnap me ANY TIME! On the strength of "Wanted," I picked up "Nightwatch" and "Daywatch" Timur Bekmambetov's previous films. I’ll report on those soon. One thing that’s interesting about "Wanted" is that it’s yet another film produced by a comic company, in this case, Top Cow. So, added to Dark Horse and Marvel, we now have the Image boys making a play on the big screen. Notice how much better the comic movies are lately? This is a Golden Age for comic book films!
I saw "Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem" over last weekend (I know… I know… I’m behind okay?) and I was extremely disappointed. I guess they have just thrown in the towel and decided that this series of films should now be geared toward 13 year olds. Requiem was derivative, adolescent and overly amateur. Why not just have Freddy or Jason show up? I mean, if the series has devolved into spectacle, might as well go for the brass ring! I’m mostly upset because of the exceptional pedigree of the original Alien films. "Alien," directed by Ridley Scott, changed horror films forever. "Aliens," directed by James Cameron, changed action films forever. Even "Alien 3" and "Alien Resurrection," were helmed by two artists at the top of their game and offered new and artistic takes on the franchise. The last two films might as well had their debut on the Sci-fi channel’s Saturday night line up. They are a ghost of their previous incarnations.
- Finally, what happened to America… The Melting Pot? There was a time that everyone who came to this country adopted the American dream as their own and strengthened this country with their own unique flavor.
Now, we have radical Mexican elements that refuse to be part of this nation, and furthermore proclaim that this nation is “theirs”. We have radical Muslim agents who want us to succumb to Sharia law and bend in every way to acquiesce to their own religious proclivities.
We have Asian-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, African-Americans, Islamic-Americans and Native Americans. We have so much fragmentation that I see a moment when we become a nation of idiotic whining separatists who endlessly bitch at each other because we don’t bow before their god or speak their language or rub their pussy hard enough!
All you little crybabies need to suck it up and realize that it is our diversity that makes us stronger and while it is perfectly fine for you to do your own thing, in your own home, we are not required to change our lifestyle to accommodate YOU in any way.
Live your life. Just be an AMERICAN, and ditch the hyphen.
Hyphens are for pussies!
July 10, 2008
- The Beefboy lives several lives. In one of my other lives I'm doing something exceptionally big and it's been taking me away from you Beefanatics! Sorry about that. One small update tonight... one BIG update this weekend!
- That's Brooke Hogan above. She's the little girl of Hulk Hogan... but she's no little girl anymore! I need a Beefboy Fanpage of her! Check back this weekend.
- Cowards! All you pansy-ass fuckers in the media who are not LOUDLY banging the drum about the Muslim Honor Killing, right here in America, are a bunch of sniveling cowards! Either report the real news or just play women’s beach volleyball instead. If we’re going to watch boobs, then it might as well be the real thing instead of the figurative variety.
- Last week's political media circus fed us a continuous stream of “debate” over the patriotism of our two top candidates. McCain’s proxies are taking jabs at Obama, while Obama’s agents are countering by wagging their finger at McCain for “questioning Obama’s patriotism”.
The fact is that neither Obama, nor McCain are questioning anything. This is the media making a “story” out of bitching by peripheral partisan nutsacks. Is there any chance we can get the actual candidates to debate on something with some substance, like gas prices, the economy and Iraq?
As ditzy girls say… “thanks so much.”
- Every year we’re subjected to NOAA making a prediction on how many hurricanes we’re going to have. This year they say it will be "above normal or normal". Wow! Let's see, if they predict "above normal and normal," then that only leaves "below normal". Remember when they used to give you a number? The last three years they have missed it terribly, so this year I’m giving you the official Beefboy Hurricane Prediction. I think we’re going to have 5 major hurricanes.
Mark it down. Let’s see who is right.
I’m also going to make another prediction. No matter how many hurricanes we have, normal, below normal, or above normal, it’s going to be blamed on global warming… or whatever they are calling it this year.
June 19, 2008
- I just heard President Bush ask Congress to allow drilling off shore. However, he could rescind an Executive Order, enacted by his daddy, which would allow off shore exploration. Why the fuck would Bush stand in front of the press and the world, and then not take the LEAD and at least do his part?
Once again, we have no fucking leaders. We have a bunch of empty suits who prefer to flap their gums while we pay $4.00 a gallon for gas. Screw them! Screw them all! We need solutions! The Beefboy has them… read on Beefanatics.
Here is the most important article the Beefboy has ever written- The Oil Problem... Solved. Yes, the Beefboy has solved high gas prices, but you have to read the article first, and there's a test at the end!
June 13, 2008
- Anyone who reads my stuff regularly probably already knows that I'm a News Nerd. I'm the guy who gets up early on Sunday morning to watch Meet the Press like most guys watch the NFL. Tim Russert, my favorite jounalist... maybe the last great journalist, died today.
What I liked most about Russert is that he gave hell to both sides of the political spectrum. In an age where most "journalists" wear their bias on their sleeve like a badge of honor, Russert managed to rise above and demonstrate to everyone what being unbiased looked like.
He had a good sense of humor and came across as a great guy. I would have liked to have sat down and had dinner with Tim. I won't get that chance and that's my loss.
I shudder to think who NBC (the National Barack Channel) is going to get to "replace" Russert. He was the only thing that stood between NBC and total gay love for Obama and anything else left of center. If Meet the Press is helmed by Chris Mathews or Keith Olberman, last week will be the last time I watch my favorite show.
June 12, 2008
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday..'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either... His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
June 11, 2008
- I just saw that Nick Cannon got a huge, and the Beefboy means HUGE, tattoo of Mariah Carey’s first name on his back (above)… in ornate letters. Now while I don’t have a problem with ink in general, under no circumstances should you ever… EVER… get some chick’s name stamped on your back like a fucking billboard!
Why didn’t he just get “Pussy Whipped” tattooed on his back! Maybe he’d like to walk around in a collar with a leash!
I’m going to bust my guts laughing at Nick “Chump-Stain” Cannon, when those two break up.
The clock is ticking…
- Congratulations to Barack Obama for winning the longest and most expensive primary EVER. No matter what happens from here, there is no denying that America has nominated its first black candidate for President… so congratulations to us as well.
I will give Obama two things in particular that I like about him. He is an incredibly gifted orator… probably the best since Ronald Reagan. And after the past eight years of a stammering and dispassionate chief executive, someone who has mastery over the English language would be welcome.
I’d also like to point out that everyone wants to dogpile on Obama because he hasn’t been a Beltway politician all his life. I think that’s a huge plus! Look at what the “experienced” nutsacks in Washington D.C. have given us! They have fucked things up so incredibly, you can only conclude that destroying this nation is part of their agenda!
I have a shitload of problems with Obama, but today, I’m going to let my thoughts on him stand as is.
- Let me tell you where Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com is wrong and the Beefboy is right. Electronic books will NOT replace paper books unless there is some sort of catastrophic shortage of trees, and we can manufacture paper from other sources anyway.
I hate reading off my computer monitor all the time. Why the fuck would I welcome reading an ENTIRE BOOK from a screen? Are you a masochist? Do you love eyestrain? Then by all means read a book from a LCD screen. How many times have you had your computer go tits up and you’ve lost everything on it? Books in a bookcase will be there forever, unless you have a fire, and that’s taking your hard drive with it as well.
There is no replacement for the tactile and olfactory sensations of holding a book. A book is already portable. Books have not changed fundamentally for over 500 years. I’m willing to accept that some people will read things on a tablet, just like some people will choose to have sex in Second Life… but nothing beats the real thing baby!
June 9, 2008
- Any one who watches "The Great American Dog" on CBS should immediately lose their right to vote.
June 2, 2008
- Here's a good indicator that no one uses cash anymore. The Beefboy handed a cashier exact change and SHE LAUGHED! We're closer to a cashless society than you might think Beefanatics.
June 1, 2008
- The CBS broadcast of Elite XC's MMA bouts were hardly a blow to rival UFC. In fact, the laborious pace of the show was an insult to the fast pace of MMA matches. While the broadcast team was adequate and a couple of the fights were decent, the main event match was a snore festival.
The best match of the show on Saturday night was the girl-fight against Gina Carano (above) and Kaitlin Young. Both fighters put on a great match, with some of the best martial arts I've seen in the cage, and some serious power and aggression. Those pansy men who fought on Saturday could have learned a thing or two by watching these two throw down.
And wow! Gina Carano not only got the win, but knocked out the Beefboy's heart. She's smokin' hot too! As it turns out, she's also Crush on American Gladiators.
You can expect a Beefboy Gallery with her VERY SOON!
May 23, 2008
- Instead of playing the fantasy movie "An Inconvenient Truth" to a young generation of school age children, why don't we show them a documentary that will actually help them in life? The Beefboy suggests Morgan Spurlock's "Maxed Out" which correctly focused on the housing bubble before it happened and details the credit crisis for both individuals and the government.
Hell, why don't you watch that movie WITH your kids? It beats the fuck out "High School Musical 3"... or whatever number they're on!
May 20, 2008
- It's my birthday bitches!
- I fucking love this bit from Carlos Mencia.
May 16, 2008
- I'm in a strange mood. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling so great tonight, or because I read too damn much, or maybe because Battlestar Gallactica is going out so fucking strong and dealing with such incredible existential shit that the Beefboy is thinking a lot about THE BIG PICTURE.
With that thought, I have two stories for you tonight.
- Scientists in China have video of snakes and toads that were going nuts two days before the earthquake there. Plenty of scientists think it's bullshit, but in 373 B.C. historians recorded that rats, snakes and weasels abandoned the Greek city of Helice before it was devastated by an earthquake. After the 2004 tsunami in Asia, officials reported a low number of animal casualties because herds of antelope, elephants and deer fled to the hills before the tidal wave hit.
Time and time again, evidence points to animals having an inexplicable sense of danger, and consistently, scientists have dismissed this evidence as coincidence.
- The Pioneer spacecraft, launched in the early 70's, are both off course by a quarter of a million miles. These craft have gone further than any other thing created by human hands. The Pioneer spacecraft have left our solar system, but they continue, after nearly 40 years, to teach us new things about the universe we live in.
The problem is that given a laundry list of probable causes, scientists can not account for the reason that the Pioneer spacecraft are off course by so much. NASA was about to throw away piles of ancient computer files tracking data from the Pioneer when one scientist named Dr. Slava Turyshev, following up on the work of Dr. John Anderson, rescued the information and formed a group to research the data.
Whatever is affecting the probes, whether it is dark matter or is something else, it's calling into question Newton's Law of Gravity. As Dr. Turyshev says, "If Newton is wrong, Einstein is wrong too."
The Beefboy says if Einstein is wrong, then so is Hawking. So is everyone else. We may be feverishly clinging to a set of rules that at the very least, are woefully inadequate for explaining what's happening around us, and at the very worst, may be fundamentally flawed at their core.
Everything you know is wrong.
May 12, 2008
- Holy nuts ahoy! Iron Man kicked the shit out of Speed Racer on opening weekend. Speed Racer was a distant second at 20 million to Iron Man who still has the pole position at 50 million! Who would have seen that coming? Iron Man may hold on to the top spot until Indiana Jones nods next week!
If Hulk doesn’t tank then you can expect Marvel to drag every silly superhero they own to the big screen.
- This clip of Bill O'Reilly flipping out is FANTASTIC!!!
May 11, 2008
- The Beefboy went to see Iron Man finally and I have to admit that I’m impressed. You can clearly see that this movie was made by people who love and respect the source material that inspired the movie. The cast was excellent. In fact, how many Oscar nominated actors are in the cast? Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrance Howard, Jeff Bridges and Samuel L. Jackson have all had their accolades over the years and they are all on target here.
The movie is fun and delivers on effects, but has a solid human framework. Using my buddy Scott’s measurement of a “comic movie that’s like an actual comic book”, I’d say Iron Man ranks as one of the very best.
You can see the influence of Marvel producing the movie (more below). It was nice to see a superhero movie made without the typical Hollywood pandering to eight year-olds. They are also setting up a very interesting crossover movie universe which is very exciting.
Kudos all around.
- Speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow (above), has she ever looked better in a movie? I think I have an Iron Man in my pants!
- Speed Racer is only the first of several anime inspired movies coming to your theater. Steven Speilberg got a hold of Ghost in the Shell and M. Night Shyamalan is doing Avatar as The Last Airbender.
The best animated movie of all time, Akira, was snatched up by, of all people, Leonardo DiCaprio, (no I'm not shitting you) who plans to make two live action feature films out of the property.
I’m confident that Speilberg and Shyamalan are going to turn in first class films, but if fucking Leonardo DiCaprio screws up Akira then it's him and the Beefboy in the Octagon!
- One of the things I learned while looking into this summer’s movies is that Marvel Entertainment Group, who gave us Iron Man and Hulk and The Fantastic Four and Spider-man and Blade, recently became a production studio.
That means instead of licensing their intellectual properties to other companies, they are producing their own movies. For one thing, it means that Marvel gets to pocket all that sweet lucre their characters have been making in the market.
The most important thing is that Marvel knows a hell of a lot more about how to present their characters than Hollywood does. I expect Marvel to not talk down to their audience, like we usually get with superhero fare. If they play their cards right, both Marvel and the audience will be well rewarded for this intelligent move.
They are certainly off to a great start with Iron Man.
- Why do meteorologists tell you what to wear during their forecasts? If they give you the temperature, wind speed and chance of precipitation then I’m thinking that most of us can figure out what to wear on our own! I’m mean, I’m an adult right?
I have at least a couple of decades of experience in dressing my own ass… if they are doing their job right, I can probably work out the details.
April 30, 2008
- Who caught all the Briefcase Babes on Deal or No Deal dressed in the Princess Leia slavegirl outfit? Those chicks have never looked hotter. I think the Beefboy has had a few dreams like that…
I've included a clip from that show AND I also ran into a clip and photos of Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck dressed like Leia!
- So now Reverend Wright is saying an attack on him is an attack on black churches. Well, wouldn’t that be convenient? That would mean that if you attach Reverend Wright because he’s a fucking America hating moonbat nutsack, then you’re a RACIST.
Well fuck you Reverend Wright. You can call me anything you like. I don’t really give a shit. You are an angry socialistic elitist and you could single-handedly take down Barack Obama’s chances at the Presidency simply because of arrogance, stupidity, a hunger for publicity and GREED.
You see, Wright is just another Race Pimp, whoring the same old shit to people who deserve a hell of a lot better! Obama has finally done what he should have done months or years ago, and that’s throw Reverend Nutsack under the bus! According to Reverend Wright that makes Obama a racist too!
- Why do meteorologists tell you what to wear during their forecasts? If they give you the temperature, wind speed and chance of precipitation then I’m thinking that most of us can figure out what to wear on our own!
I’m mean, I’m an adult right? I have at least a couple of decades of experience in dressing my own ass… if they are doing their job right, I can probably work out the details.
April 28, 2008
I don't know if the new Speed Racer movie is going to suck balls or not, but visually, it looks pretty fucking amazing!
April 27, 2008
Who said you can't find love on the internet?
April 26, 2008
Check out Vin Diesel... busting a move, bitch!
- The Beefboy has been AWOL lately due to my recent trip to Belgium. Of course, I can’t take a trip to Europe without a few observations.
- They really know how to take a shit in Belgium. In the Brussels airport they have individual rooms with doors to take care of your business. Only Senator Larry Craig would be disappointed with that!
When you flush a toilet there is an amazing cascade of water… like we used to have in America until some vegetarian weasel decided that we needed to waste less water when we flushed… thus forcing us to flush the toilet 18 times to get the same effect and conversely using even more water!
Finally they have the French Bidet. Nothing like a refreshing spritz on your nutsack to get your day going right!
- Speaking of nutsacks. I got stuck between some Eurotrash tool who thought he was going to hog the arm rest for the entire flight (The Beefboy doesn’t think so Captain Croissant!) and some moonbat crone who was ready to ape bonkers and wouldn’t sit the fuck still!
That flight was eight hours long over the Atlantic and I wasn’t in any mood to put up with their shit. Before we touched down I was ready to drag the tool’s ass to the little airplane bathroom and shove him down that toilet hole, and make the crone a member of the anal mile high club!
- Besides that my trip was fantastic and holy nuts ahoy… the chicks in Belgium are smoking hot!
April 12, 2008
- The Beefboy has been inundated with a lot of “thanks so much” from chicks lately. It’s typically delivered with a saccharine sincerity that belies their disdain for even something simple… like saying “thank you”.
Tell you what, keep your “thanks so much” and just blow me. At least then I know how sincere you are.
- Look, I think we need to separate the Olympics from the politics of China. Yes, clearly China’s government is populated by a bunch of socialist punks who strong-arm countries that should be given independence (like Tibet and Taiwan). We know this.
If you don’t like China, stop giving them nuclear and rocket secrets and stop taking campaign contributions from China (Hillary). If you don’t like China, then we need to be working to strengthen the dollar, establish energy independence and kick their ass when they send our kids toys dipped in lead paint! If you don’t like China then you need to be taking steps right now to make a stronger America, a stronger European Union, a stronger Japan, a stronger Australia and stronger democracies worldwide.
China is flush with money from economic and industrial expansion, but make no mistake, they have retained their old ways of censorship, human rights abuses (real human rights abuses, not the silly shit that people complain about in the civilized world), political oppression and designs on worldwide domination. Does that scare you? It should.
On the other hand, using the Olympics to punish China does absolutely nothing to achieve that goal and ends up punishing the athletes who have worked day and night for four years in preparation for these games. Should we call China on their bullshit? Of course! But we should be doing it every day of every year, not just this summer.
Finally, even though I think we should allow our athletes to go over there and compete, I think Bush going over there to play grab-ass with the ChiComs is fucking absurd. (Hey, Hillary and I agree on something!) He should be staying home and watching the competition on TV, just like the rest of us. That would send the proper message.
April 9, 2008
- Oklahoma Republican State Representative Sally Kern recently said, ”The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation. It's just a fact. ... I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam," and then went on a diatribe about how the Bible backs her up.
The Beefboy is trying hard to remember the last time the “gay agenda” hijacked three jets and flew them into buildings killing 3000 people. Perhaps, Miss Kern can refresh my memory of when the “gay agenda” slit reporter’s throats on camera, or killed a cartoonist because of a drawing, or wired up mentally challenged women as living bombs. In fact, the worst things I can blame on the “gay agenda” are several successful seasons of Dancing with the Stars, and low rise jeans for men.
Sally Kern is a good example of someone who speaks phenomenal ignorance with indignant authority. Her words not only show her own biases but also denigrates a very real threat.
And by the way, her supporters say this is a freedom of speech issue. I'm all for freedom of speech. I don't for one second deny Sally Kern's right to say all the stupid shit she wants to... and I'll be glad to exercise my own freedom of speech and call her a dimwitted Bible-humping nutsack!
April 5, 2008
- In the Beefboy's Forum my buddy Shawn suggests USFL Linebacker Lester "Mighty Rasta" Speight, or Terry Tate from the Reebok commericals (thanks Scott), for the role of B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team movie. After watching this commercial, I think he's got a great pick!
April 4, 2008
- Tonight is the beginning of the end. Sci-fi runs the first episode of the last season of Battlestar Gallactica (Katee Sackhoff out of character above). We’re going to be knee deep in new cylons and supposedly finding Earth this season. I sincerely hope that they can keep up the high level of excellence and completely go out on top with this series.
- Master of the “Art of Dumbass,” Ted Turner, tells us that the Earth’s temperature will go up by 8 degrees in 30 years and that we will all be dead or cannibals by that time. This is, of course, completely concocted from Ted’s poor crippled mind. Once again, I’d like to point out that you can measure the value of your cause (in this case Global Warming) by the company you keep.
- Speaking of Global Warming, Have you noticed that “Global Warming” has become “Global Climate Change”? Wonder why? Well… there are two reasons why. Research is now pointing to the fact that the Earth is actually cooling and calling it “Global Warming” when the Earth is going through global cooling is not good for marketing.
The bigger reason is that calling Al Gore’s religion of “Global Climate Change” means that whether the temperature goes up, or goes down, or stays the same, he can complain that we’re the cause of it! Meanwhile, Al Gore can continue to lie to the public so he can funnel fat wads of cash to his green hedge fund and his carbon offset company.
I think that the Beefanatics are far more intelligent than the standard web surfers and will take the time to look this stuff up on their own and make an informed decision. For all the rest of the sheeple out there… wake the fuck up! Just follow the money my friends.
April 2, 2008
- Doomsday (above) gave me everything I wanted. It felt a lot like the sci-fi movies from the 70’s and 80’s, set in a post-apocalyptic world and filled with action. However, this was no “B” movie. The production was top notch. I was impressed with the pacing and creativity in Doomsday.
It owes a lot to Mad Max and Escape from New York, but it manages to find its own way too. Rhona Mitra was great as the lead and where the hell did she come from? She’s smokin’ hot! I need to see a lot more of her immediately.
If you like End of the World Sci-fi like the Beefboy, then you need to get out and see Doomsday before it’s out of the theater!
- Government and religion are bad enough, but even worse is government and environmentalism… a religion unto itself. We’ve had two recent circumstances where the environmental moonbats in congress have fucked up things by trying to “fix” something that’s not a problem.
We just went into an expanded period of “Daylight Savings Time”, which was marketed by congress as a way to save energy. Two different studies, one domestically, and one in Australia (they’re doing the same dumb thing down under) have proven that energy expenditure actually WENT UP when you fucked around with the time. Which means the last two weeks that I’ve spent trying to get used to getting up an hour early was absolutely a waste of time AND a waste of energy!
Next, let’s take a look at the attempt by congress to force us into using ethanol to save the environment. Congress has legislated that a certain amount of gas must be made from ethanol, presumably to “save the environment”. Last weekend the Wall Street Journal published an article that cited recent academic studies that proved a link between the production of ethanol and an INCREASE in carbon emissions over fossil fuels. Yes, you read that right, the production of ethanol creates more carbon than oil!
So, besides causing more carbon emissions, we’re also driving up the cost of food because ethanol is currently made from corn and other food like beets and sugar cane! Like the cost of your food lately? Thank your local member of Congress!
Since man-made Global Warming is a steaming pile of bullshit anyway, what do you say we get out of the business of saving the fucking planet and get Congress into the business of saving our fucking nation!
March 30, 2008
- This week's South Park brought back a ton of memories for me. I have to admit that a lot of my own sexual proclivities probably come from Taarna (above) and the original Heavy Metal movie. Chicks with swords, Dominatrix, thigh high boots... yeah, and those "rockin' tits"!
- That's me with Toxic Goddess Aello. Her photos and profile are coming soon to the Beefboy site! Until then, enjoy a new preview gallery here. Or you can always just visit the Toxic Goddess site and see everything I can't show you on my site.
- Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have a phrase they keep repeating that should scare the living fuck out of you! The phrase? “Shared Prosperity.” It’s the basis for their whole campaign.
“Shared Prosperity” sure sounds like a happy little idea. Wow… we’re ALL going to be prosperous! Spock said “Live Long and Prosper”… how could such a warm fuzzy phrase be a problem?
Well, Beefantatics, “Shared Prosperity” just means that the government takes all your extra money and spreads it out to everyone. It’s fucking socialism! If they point a gun at you it’s COMMUNISM! Hugo Chavez is for “Shared Prosperity”! So is Fidel Castro! Karl Marx wrote a neat little book about “Shared Prosperity” called The Communist Manifesto! The Soviet Union built a shitty doomed country around “Shared Prosperity” that collapsed in the late 80’s because SHARED PROSPERITY SUCKS!
“Shared Prosperity” just means that you hand your money over to the government and they misspend it on bullshit while you live in a fucking shack, have shitty health care and then risk your life in a small boat to get to another country that doesn’t practice SHARED PROSPERITY! Holy fucking shit Beefantatics!
Do we have any politicians out there who have the stones to tell those fuckers that we’re not going to descend into fucking communism? How about someone… ANYONE… in our free press, that will CALL the Democrat candidates on their desire to make the USA into the USSR?!!! Seriously!
Socialism has failed, the world over, for a fucking century! Socialists have ruined the lives of hundreds of billions of people time and time again, and yet two of our three candidates for President think socialism is a good idea.
Well Beefantatics… not just no… but, FUCK NO! Those two yokels can stick their “Shared Prosperity” up their socialist asses! And twist it. Hard.
March 26, 2008
- If you say “divestiture” when you mean “divisor” then you misspoke. If you manufacture a complete story about being fired on by snipers in Bosnia and doing corkscrews to get to safety, when you actually were having a nice little reception on the tarmac and being read poems by a little girl then you didn’t misspeak… you LIED, which is exactly what Hillary Clinton did… TWICE.
Now, unless you’re ignorant of the facts, or you wear kneepads for the Democrats, you should know by now that the Clintons lie. A Lot. I’m just amazed that after they spent eight years in the White House, some people have actually forgotten what world class liars they are.
- Lots up updates this coming weekend Beefanatics!
The Beefboy has bad news for you if you're a Senator Barack Obama supporter. The recent news about the moonbat, angry and anti-american comments by Reverend Wright, Obama's Reverend for twenty years, and Obama's subsequent denouncing of those views, leaves you with two exceptionally bad options.
Either Obama was a parishioner with that church for twenty years because he believes those words (that also echo the words of his own wife), OR Obama lacked the judgment and perception to realize, after two decades, that his Reverend held these beliefs, preached these beliefs and published DVD's containing these beliefs for everyone to see.
Either option means that Obama is not fit for the highest office in the land.
March 12, 2008
- Congratulations to the Beefboy's first female Nutsack of the Moment - Gloria Steinem! You can read why she's my Nutsack of the Moment in the sidebar to the right.
- As you know Democrat New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught with a bit of a hooker habit. Is there any politician out there who doesn’t either have his hand in the money jar or the honey jar? Is there anyone in a position of power that takes the office serious anymore?
At least he wasn’t stumping against gay marriage while meeting boy toys in public bathrooms… that hunk of hypocrisy is reserved for Republicans and Evangelists.
- The Beefboy is not too much on posting quotes, but I really like this one:
"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one." - Thomas Paine
March 10, 2008
- Above are new photos from the Watchmen movie. That project has been a long time coming. I think they missed the hype wave on that by about, oh... two decades! Still, if it's good, it will be worth the wait.
- Since we're on the subject of comic adaptations, I really like the new Spectacular Spider-man cartoon. They have decided to bring the feel of the old Stan Lee and Steve Ditko 60’s version of Spider-man (troubled teen science nerd) into the modern era, and what do you know? It works great! They even resurrected the old belt light he used to have!
The fight scenes are clever and fast. The writing is solid and I’m happy to see that they have an over-arching continuity between episodes. The new song actually competes well with the old “Spider-man… Spider-man… Does whatever a spider can…” song from the old 60’s series.
Spider-man as a high school student is a much more interesting character as far as I’m concerned. Spider-man as a well adjusted professor with a hot wife is a nice ending to the story, but it effectively removes everything that makes the character interesting and sympathetic.
- Also on the WB Saturday morning line-up last weekend was The Batman: Lost Heroes “movie”, an hour long episode featuring the Justice League. Throughout this season they have slowly introduced the highly stylized versions of Superman, The Flash, Martian Manhunter and the rest of the gang (but no Wonder Woman, for some reason… in fact, I think whoever is in charge of the new Batman series is gay because they ruined Harley Quinn and managed to remove all sexiness from Catwoman… but I digress).
Lost Heroes was a hell of a payoff for a season with a bunch of “guest appearances”. This series shines brightest during action scenes and an alien invasion was a great highlight for the super-powered Justice League and had a nice message about why “normal guys” like Batman and Green Arrow are an integral part of the team.
While The Batman is not anywhere near as good at The Batman Animated Series from the 90’s, Lost Heroes was clearly a satisfying high point.
March 9, 2008
- I'm going to take a lot of bullshit about this from my Couch Pirates friends but the Beefboy loves skunk hair girls.
There. I said it.
- Props to Bill O'Reilly for calling the real reason for Hillary’s success in Tuesday’s primaries. Yes Bill, it actually was the skewering bit by Saturday Night Live that won her the majority of Tuesday’s primaries.
Of course, if you read the Beefboy Rants the previous night you knew that long before O’Reilly took his morning shit.
March 5, 2008
- Since the Beefboy is in a campaign to get CNN to ditch Candy "Admiral Ackbar" Crowley from their weekend election coverage... so that I can stomach it long enough to get some information and hear some speeches (FOX just runs talking heads all day... pretty talking heads, but talking heads nonetheless, and MSNBC is about as close to Pravda as you can get), I have a new person to put on as the head of weekend coverage... CNN Correspondant Amy Holmes!
Super smart, perceptive and HOT, Amy Holmes is exactly what CNN needs on the weekend to get my attention. So, what do you say CNN? Ready for prime time?
You've already got Amy Holmes on speed dial... let's put her in the top spot!
The Beefboy is trying to help you out (and help myself out too).
- Did you read my rant on McDonald's McSkillet burrito? So did Couch Pirate Scott, and he still tried one of those damn tasteless things! You can read what he wrote me in The Octagon!
March 4, 2008
- Have you heard of the Oregon Mayor who got fired because she posted "racy photos" on MySpace? Well Beefantatics... you're looking at what they said was "racy" in the photos above.
Now admittedly I'm not much of an arbiter for what is offensive, but COME ON! Those photos are about as apple pie as you can get. Shit, if I had abs like that I'd put photos on billboards all over my home town! I suspect a bunch of cream puffs wanted her out of office because they were consumed with jealousy!
If you want to support former Oregon Mayor Carmen Kontur Gronquist then head over to her MySpace Page and tell her the Beefboy sent you!
- "Think of this as a hiring position," said Hillary Clinton, "Who would you hire for the most important position in the world?”
To answer your question Hillary... it's certainly not you sister! In fact it's not anyone running. If the Beefboy is hiring for this position then I'm burning all the applications and I'm starting over! I agree it's the most important position in the world... any chance we can find someone in this country that's WORTHY of running the whole show?
- With that said, my kudos to Hillarybot for turning off her programming long enough to make a self deprecating appearance on Saturday Night Live, that she probably should have done a long time ago. Her biggest hurdle is to show some semblance of humanity and SNL is a good step in that direction.
- Mark my words. Michelle Obama is a major liability for Barack Obama. She’s got a lot of feminist liberal moonbat ideas and she’s not a charismatic politician like her husband. If Obama gets the Democratic candidacy, Michelle Obama will be a continual embarrassment for Barack. Again, you heard it here first!
- A 20-sided die salute to Gary Gygax, who passed to the Astral Realm today.
March 2, 2008
- America's Funniest Home Videos is You Tube for retards.
- I have a friend at work that has a unique plan that the Beefboy needs to share with all the single guys out there. His plan is simply to only date from late March to mid December. We’ll call this plan “Dating Season”.
The theory is, if you only date women during Dating Season, then you skip buying her a gift for Christmas and hanging out with her family, it saves you from doing something stupid on New Year’s Eve, spares you the pain and anguish of Valentine’s Day, plus you’re free to hang with the guys for the NCAA National Championship football game, the Superbowl and March Madness.
Dating Season eliminates almost all that holiday silliness except Thanksgiving, and everyone knows the more places you have to go on Thanksgiving, the more you get to eat.
I’m not saying that I’m endorsing Dating Season, because you know the Beefboy is all about the ladies… I’m merely passing passing this nugget to the single Beefanatics.
February 29, 2008
- Have you ever noticed that Obama sounds like the Rock? Since Obama likes taking other people’s routines, the Rock sounds as good as any. He can inform McCain that he’s going to “lay the smackdown on his monkey ass”! Obama can tell Hillary that he doesn’t like her pie. I bet he could even give some reporters the “People’s Elbow”… if you can smell what Barack… is cookin’!
- So… let’s see… if we’re losing lives and getting our ass kicked then Iraq is a front page story. But if we’re the ones kicking ass, the surge works and we’re winning, then it’s not a story at all? What’s up with that?
Gosh, if I didn’t know better, the Beefboy would say that the press is BIASED and they have a reason to bask in us losing, and hide when we’re winning. Of course I’d never say that… we know that our press is chock full of proud American patriots.
February 27, 2008
- Who is the chick above? I have no idea, but she's a good representative from the site She Jailbait? The concept behind the site is to guess whether the pictures are of girls who are underage or not, with photos culled from real profiles on MySpace and Facebook.
I think visiting that site puts you on an FBI watch list and virtually guarantees you a meeting with Dateline's Chris Hansen, but I'm betting you go check it out anyway...
- Have you noticed a considerable change in tone from the Staunchies on presumptive nominee John McCain? A couple of weeks ago, the Beefboy told you that all the bitching from Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh and all the other Staunchies would change soon and they would be looking for a good opportunity to get in line and haul the water for the Republican party.
Once again, the Beefboy was right. All it took was a front page low-blow article from the New York Times to get everyone in step with the new Belle of the Republican Ball, John McCain.
Pundits and wags should be reading my words with a pen and notebook in hand.
- Yesterday I told you about my experience with the consumer computer industry, today let me tell you about my United States Passport experience. I needed to get a passport renewed by mid April for a trip I’m taking. I embarked on my passport journey on lunch one day. I had already downloaded the application from the internet and filled that out. I also had my photo taken at Kinko’s. I was ready to hand the thing over and get on with my life.
I picked a post office advertised on the Department of State’s site as one that processed passport applications. When I got to the post office, a sassy postal worker bitched at me that they didn’t process those today (just that day), like I should have known that through osmosis, and that I had to go to another post office downtown.
I trekked to the location she provided and guess what? That post office was closed to the public… SIX MONTHS AGO! It did have a handy map to another downtown location though. Isn’t the postal service considerate? I went to the third location, and sure enough they were processing passports, but the wait was about an hour. I’m not sure it was physically possible for people to move any slower, but eventually I got the whole show done.
Or so I thought.
Two weeks later I got my passport back. I was happy with the turnaround time until I looked at my passport. It had my first name and my last name as the SAME NAME. On my passport, I was “Beefboy Beefboy”. Neat.
I went back to the same post office as before and waited TWO HOURS to spend two minutes with a guy who told me to send it back to the office that processed it in Houston. So, I had to get more photos and pay the post office an exorbitant sum of money to overnight my stupid passport to and from the office. Now I’m waiting to get the passport back for the second time.
For those of you who seriously want the government involved in your health care, you’re a sub-moron of the highest order.
- As the Beefboy mentioned on Sunday, I just bought a new computer. I’m going to name names here, because I think my experience with setting up a new computer is something that the parties below should take a hit on.
The Gateway computer and monitor were bought in a package deal at Best Buy. My first problem was with compatibility between the monitor and the PC. I got a computer with an additional graphics card, so I can make pretty pictures for the Beefanatics (and for porn). The monitor came with a VGA cord and the computer’s graphics card has a digital connector. Before I could do anything, I had to go back to Best Buy and buy a new digital cord so I could use my new computer.
Next, I tried to use the USB cord and Windows “Easy Transfer” program to get my settings, passwords, emails and files over to my new PC. After wasting about three days on that process, and not being able to transfer one bit between machines, I went out and bought a one terabyte SimpleTech portable drive to get all my crap off the old computer.
When I got the brand new portable drive home, it had no USB cord, no power cord and the drive RATTLED like there was just a bunch of rocks inside the casing! I shouldn’t have to tell you how much I paid for a one terabyte portable drive, so the Beefboy was not a happy customer! So, I went back to Best Buy, exchanged the drive and began the process of transferring files.
Getting connected to the internet was another needless pain. I’m still only about 80% of the way to a fully functioning computer, but obviously, I’m back online now and I’m able to do updates here. However, I have to wonder what someone with less computer knowledge would have done when they had all of these problems. I’m no expert by any means, but I have a good knowledge of the basics and I’ve done this sort of thing for about ten years now. I’ve created and maintain about 20 websites. I’m an insider and I fixed everything along the way, but what would my parents have done in this situation (assuming they didn’t have me to ask)? What does the computer illiterate do?
Best Buy, Gateway, SimpleTech and Microsoft needs to get their fucking act together! If you sell a monitor with a computer in a package deal, those fuckers should sing RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX! Also, to Microsoft, I shouldn’t have to pay Best Buy north of $150 and have pubescent members of the “Geek Squad” snoop through my private files so that I can transfer my information from my old computer to my new one. To SimpleTech, the makers of my one terabyte drive, the CEO of that company should commit seppuku on streaming video for letting a brand new drive get out of his warehouse with no cords and rocks inside for parts!
Finally, I’m convinced that the computer manufacturing and software industries are in collusion by creating a multi-billion dollar service industry to deal with all the horse shit compatibility and connection issues that crop up with brand new equipment. Instead of working so hard to give me a computer that has “a new and fantastic color” why don’t you nutsacks try “efforting” to get my computer to work right out of the box like everything else in the world?
- Is it possible that CNN is reading the Beefboy? I noticed that Candy Crowley was absent from CNN’s election coverage and was replaced by a new correspondent which was a marked improvement.
- I don’t know about you, but the Beefboy is ready for an overhaul of the election process. This takes too long, it’s too expensive, a shrimpy sample of people is responsible for choosing who we have to vote for and it’s boring!
So, of course, the Beefboy has a solution. It’s time to take the American Idol format and pick our candidates that way. We can start the series by having all the candidates line-up outside malls and hotels around the country and give them three minutes to give a speech that intrigues the judges.
I think for the judges we should have Ann Coulter, James Carville and Penn Jillette. John Stewart can host. Once we get it down to 24 candidates we move the show to Washington D.C. and the real debates start. The judges give their opinions then America VOTES TO KICK SOMEONE OFF THE SHOW!
At the end of the season, we have three candidates left and we can have them compete at the polls! It might be our last chance to get an ignorant and apathetic electorate to help save our country.
February 24, 2008
- One of the Beefanatics actually bitch slapped me on the forum for not updating for a week.
The Beefboy abides.
I've been dealing with converting files, passwords, Outlook email, and every other fucking thing, over to a newer faster sexier computer. I have plenty to say about that process, in fact I've got plenty to say about everything that's been happening, but mostly I just want to say that I'm back in business and anxious to use this new computer to bring you MORE UPDATES!
- Just got through watching the Oscars, which I do now so I can gripe about the show to all of you. Actually, this was the most satisfying year for wins since Silence of the Lambs won Best Picture. No Country for Old Men was brilliant and it's about fucking time that the Coen Brothers took the Best Director award. Winning Best Picture is even better! Congratulations to the Coens who, like Wolverine, are the best they are at what they do.
Sure, plenty of the Staunchies who do talk radio will rail against Jon Stewart for sucking Democrat cock so vigorously during the opening monologue, but hey, at least the guy was funny, so I'm willing to give him a pass.
The real scoop on the Oscars though is Juno writer Diablo Cody (above) is fucking hot! Gay men and jealous women will whine endlessly about what she wore tomorrow, but fuck those nutsacks! I applaude her for doing her own thing and for winning the award for Best Screenplay.
Cody bring that Oscar over to the Beefboy Compound and we'll party it up right.
- Have you
tried McDonald’s new breakfast burrito? Their old breakfast
burritos, which they still offer, were small and mushy with a bunch
of overly processed cheese. The new McSkillet burrito is much larger
and they are selling it as a gourmet concoction.
got news for you McDonald’s… your new breakfast burrito
sucks balls! It must be the most bland thing I’ve ever eaten.
It’s like a combination of a saltine cracker, without salt,
tofu, plain oatmeal and a flour tortilla! If they had evil Nazi
scientists try to create a food substance that was specifically
designed to be as tasteless as possible, it would have more taste
than McDonald’s McSkillet burrito!
you want a real breakfast burrito, try Sonic’s Steak, Egg
and Bacon breakfast burrito. If eating that puppy doesn’t
make you erect then you’re either dead or you don’t
have a penis.
weekend Hillary cried for the third time during
this campaign. I don’t have a problem with crying in general,
but I’m not cool with a president who cries all the time.
11th, I didn’t want to see the president cry, I wanted to
hear we were going to kick people’s ass! After Katrina, I
didn’t want tears, I wanted action. Being the President of
the United States requires a level head at all times. I’m
sure that every day you are given an update on the world that makes
you want to go hide under your bed. Every president will have to
deal with a number of grueling, dangerous or unfortunate situations
in the course of their term. Crying is not an appropriate response
to any of those situations. As a president, you have to be the person
we turn to in moments of crisis. It's not a job for pansies. That
doesn't mean women can't do the job... just not pansy women.
remember Margaret Thatcher blubbering! If you can't
go head-to-head in a cage match against Margaret Thatcher, you better
hang up your pantsuit!
- I just
heard that the Writer's Guild Strike is over! That's great news
for those of us who enjoy SCRIPTED television. The photo above is
of Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles cast with writers
from the show
is looking forward to a full season of Terminator and the
return of The Office!
of Terminator, here's the long overdue Beefboy
Gallery of Summer Glau! Hard to find saucy
photos of the saucy Ms. Glau, but I did my best... for you.
- I'd watch
CNN weekend's election coverage more, but I just can't stand looking
at Candy Crowley! Holy nuts ahoy! That chick is
ugly! Seriously. I think her and Admiral Ackbar were separated at
I can hear everyone saying "Candy Crowley is an award-winning
correspondant!" And to that I say... you can cram your awards
up your ass. Candy Crowley perpetually looks like someone has placed
a steaming turd under her nose, moments before she went on air.
I'm sure she would be fine on the radio or in print, but television
is a VISUAL MEDIUM.
If you want
to know why FOX is kicking the monkeyshit out of CNN, just look
at the difference between Laurie Dhue and Candy
Crowley. I'll be damned if either of them have a hair's difference
in analysis... but one of them is a prime time player and the other
is Candy Crowley.
- This sums
up eight years of Bush.
working on photos of Terminator's Summer Glau, but in the meantime,
here's the actress who plays Sarah Connor in the Beefboy's Lena Headey Gallery.
- Wow! Brilliant
play by Romney to drop out of the race. He makes Huckabee look bad, while making himself look like
a party loyalist and a leader for any bid in 2012. He even took
a shot at Clinton and Obama by
saying that he’s dropping out to make sure that they don’t
get in and “surrender to terrorists!” You better put Rush and Laura Ingraham on suicide
watch! Those two and all the other Staunchies had better dry their
eyes and nut-up… McCain is their boy now.
all the conservative talk show hosts to make a dramatic turn in
their opinions. They will be looking for anything McCain says to
justify an “olive branch” and get in lock-step with
the Republican frontrunner.
it here first.
- Some people
look forward to the Super Bowl with rapt anticipation… but
for the Beefboy… it’s Super Tuesday that excites me!
I realize that makes me a freak. Last night we learned a several
things and they are all very important.
Huckabee is not spoiling anything. He’s as much in
this race as anyone else. I’ll also point out that the media
wants to characterize his campaign as solely a bunch of Christians
voting for their boy… but once again everyone but the Beefboy
is getting it wrong!
is the only proponent of the Fair Tax, which proposes to eliminate
the IRS and could single-handedly solve all of our present and future
economic problems, including social security, losing jobs to other
countries, the national debt and whatever else you’ve got!
for one second, let anyone tell you that this is unfair to the poor.
It has been proven to be the most humane tax system for the underprivileged
and basically removes them entirely from the tax system.
the first thing that Huckabee said in his stump speech last night?
He said he was looking forward to locking the doors of the IRS.
Do you think that resounds with voters? You bet your ass it does!
So, I have to question why the mainstream media is making all of
Huckabee's votes about Jesus. Sounds like bias and laziness to the
We all know
that McCain is a favorite of the media, and although they would
love to see Hillary or Obama as
our next president... McCain would be a close behind. How about
all you boys and girls in big media put that bias aside, pick up
a notebook and a pen, and fucking do some work for a change?
know more about the Fair Tax? Click below...
know nothing! They have been wrong, across the board, since the
first of the year. I suspect the problem is that the type of person
who answers the phone from someone they don’t know AND has
the time to talk to them, also happens to be voting for the wrong
polls. They are useless.
- If you
look at one important indicator last night, it underscores everything
that I’ve been telling you over the past few weeks. If you
study the turnout for Obama and Clinton, versus the anemic turnout
for the Republican rogues gallery, this race is already over. Add
to that how many times I’ve heard Republicans say, “If
(insert name here) gets the nomination, I’m staying home.”
You can only conclude that the Dems are headed for the White House.
- I just
recently watched some episodes of the first season of Battlestar
Gallactica and noticed something. One of the producers on Gallactica is Toni Graphia, who also showed up as a producer
on the new Terminator series (star Lena Headey above). That may have something to do with the level of quality
that I’m seeing on Terminator.
I hear that
they have nine episodes in the can for Terminator - The
Sarah Connor Chronicles. I’m also hearing that the writer’s
strike may be ending soon, which means that we may actually get
a nearly full season of Terminator. I’m hoping that Terminator gets the chance to develop because it’s
off to a great start.
glad to hear that Willie Nelson has joined the
911 Conspiracy Fucktard Movement. I think if you look around and
your two highest profile spokesmen are Charlie Sheen and Willie Nelson, then maybe you should reconsider just how wise
YOU are for supporting that concept.
your brain with drugs is the litmus test to get in that club.
- You should
have heard Laura Ingraham’s radio broadcast
today, as she pleaded, with breathless desperation, to vote for Romney over McCain. The Staunchies
are cracking up Beefanatics! Shit, I love politics.
no expert on sports, but I’m certainly an expert on politics,
and Senator Arlen Specter, the genius behind the Kennedy assassination’s Single Bullet Theory,
needs to get out of the NFL’s business. His “interest”
in tapes of hand signals by Superbowl losers, the Patriots, is at
the very least an absolutely monumental waste of time.
tell us that an internal issue that has already been dealt with,
for an entertainment venture, is more important than the nation’s
ailing economy, illegal immigration, terrorism, skyrocketing health
care, the environment, a looming energy crisis, social security
bankruptcy and anything else Congress has on it’s plate?
Is some silly NFL thing REALLY more important that all of that?
Oh, it’s not? Then fucking leave that shit to the NFL and
get the fuck back to work you flaming nutsack! Fuck Arlen Specter.
Fuck congress. Fuck the government! Fuck everyone!
have time to worry about steroids in baseball, or hand signals in
the NFL or any other fucking miniscule shit about adults who play
children’s games for entertainment. You’re OUT OF TIME.
No more fucking around! While you’re engaged in masturbatory
politics the damn world is on fire, people are suffering and the
United States is careening headlong into economic catastrophe!
head out of your fucking ass and get to work. NOW!
to see softball maven Jenny Finch leave The
Celebrity Apprentice. I always thought she was hot, but I had
no idea she was such an amazon. The Beefboy digs amazons.
never tire of hearing, “Finch is on the mound!”
love to see John McCain win the Republican race…
just to see GOP water boy Rush Limbaugh crap his
pants. Ann Coulter says that she'll campaign for Hillary if McCain wins the Republican nomination!
(The Beefboy is willing to help Ann work out her frustrations in
a mess! He’s all for wide open borders, authored the campaign
finance fiasco McCain/Feingold law and voted against
the Bush tax cuts. I’ll give him props for
his stand on Iraq, terrorism and spending though.
looking more and more like a fractured and weakened Republican party
is going to escort Hill and Bill back into the
- Is there
any doubt that Mike Huckabee has brokered a deal
to be the VP if McCain gets the nod? As long as he stays in the
race, he will bleed off social conservative votes from Romney and will usher McCain into the top spot. However, as I noted above,
it’s not going to matter unless terrorism becomes a big issue
like to commend the Democrats who are not really in this race for
having the class to bow out. We’re now left with two Dems
in the Presidential race. We only have two Republicans who are really
in the race too, but we’ve still got a gaggle of nutsacks
who won’t clear the way. I told you why Huckabee is still
around, but what about Ron Paul or uber-nothing Alan Keyes?!!!
fuck out of there and so we get down to it, boys.
recently had jury duty and there are some good life lessons that
I gained from the experience. In no particular order, here are the
things that I learned from jury duty.
1. Justice is
slow. No one moves quickly in the world of law. I would
surmise that court houses exist in a pocket universe that slows
everything down by half. That means that while you are waiting to
be called to an actual trial, it will be the longest period of your
2. Jury duty
is no place to pick up chicks. I was easily one of the
youngest people there, and I’m not THAT young myself. Most
women were old or forced to wear tent dresses due to their expansive
weight. One girl who was super hot dropped by for jury duty and
was quickly dismissed. I suspect that she was too hot to stay there.
3. Mostly, the
“duty” in jury duty, is about sitting. I’ve
never sat so much in my entire life. Even in school I got up occasionally
to sharpen my pencil.
4. They trust
you with a man’s life, but they don’t trust you with
bottled water. Apparently, taking a bottle of water into
a court room violates someone’s civil rights.
have complicated my life. You can’t walk into an
airport and get on a plane in under two hours and it's almost as
bad at the court house. Thanks Osama.
like for everyone to rise when I come into the room. Judges
get that routine. They should spread that around.
7. Lawyers talk
way too fucking much and absolutely love the sound of their own
voice. Got a lawyer friend? Get him or her a digital voice
recorder for a gift. They will love you forever.
you’re looking forward to the president’s speech tonight,
or not, there is some good news about this State of the Union address
– it’s President Bush’s last.
is a big proponent
of forcing out a president after one term. Bush’s first term
was certainly enough. With Clinton we got BJ’s
(Bill Jobs) in the White House and Reagan gave
us naps during meetings, in his second term. Four years are enough.
presidents are habitually a disaster. There’s something about
being the “leader of the free world” that just fosters
corruption and incompetence after four years. Love him or hate him,
this is Bush’s swan song.
be change and change is good.
How long must we pay for the sins of Janet Jackson?
Superbowl “incident” we have been treated to geriatric
performances by Paul McCartney and the Rolling
Stones, admittedly brilliant but self-neutered Prince,
and now this year, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
don’t have anything against Prince or Tom Petty, but both
acts are past their prime, and as talented and important as McCartney
and the Stones are, they are so far past prime that they’re
time to bring in an act that has some present relevance. It’s
the Superbowl for fuck’s sake! We’re not talking about
the State Fair.
that we can book a band that has a hit in the 21st century?
- Wow! Have
you heard about the movie Doomsday? Well, it looks like
equal parts 28 Days Later and Escape from New York,
with a bit of Underworld thrown in for taste. Here's the
trailer. I'm excited!
my buddy Shawn for giving me the heads up on Doomsday!
the most important thing we can take from Tuesday’s stock
market melee? Simply put, we’re going to have a Democrat in
the White House next year. There’s nothing better than a bad
economy to throw out a certain party, and the Republicans have had
the White House for 8 years.
thing that will trump a bad economy is a major terrorist attack.
Unless bin Laden is for the GOP, he better keep
his boys in line.
- No offense
to Heath Ledger, but there is NO WAY that his death
should have taken the top spot on the news over the stock market.
I realize that the populace is probably looking to escape from everything
and that’s fine, but when hard news lets the death of an emerging
actor overtake an emergency three quarter cut in interest rate from
the Federal Reserve and a GLOBAL economy disaster, then old media
has outlived it’s usefulness!
R. Murrow would crap his pants if he were alive to see
of the economy, the plan to save us that President Bush and the Democrat led congress is coming up with is an insult to
everyone. A one-time “tax rebate” is asinine in the
most egregious manner!
Wall Street agrees. Since making the announcement on the plan the
stock market has taken a steep nose dive, even with a major interest
rate cut by the Fed. The market has stabilized somewhat but we're
in the basement and the slightest thing will send us tumbling again.
If our government
wants to really do something for the economy, I tend to believe
the suggestion of Mad Money’sJim Cramer for the government to bolster the insurance for lending institutions.
We also need to lower corporate taxes, which are some of the highest
in the world and then cut personal taxes permanently to encourage
also needs to stop the absolutely outrageous spending spree they
have been on for the past decade, pay down the deficit and build
up the sagging dollar. It’s time for government to tighten
the belt, or we’re all going to be sucking Satan’s schlong
the way, both shitty parties are responsible for the economic problem
we’re in. Fix it, you nutsacks!
- We should
be deep in the glow of the winter season for television, but that
writer’s strike is making them choke us with reality programming.
If you’re looking for some decent options they are out there
though. Here’s a few…
Glau as a protector Terminator and Lena Heady as Sarah Connor are definitely two great tastes that taste great
together in FOX’s Sarah Connor Chronicles. It’s
pretty clear that we’re supposed to forget some of the Terminator continuity from the third film (I don’t really mind that revision)
and you’ve got to wonder where those liquid metal Terminators
are (probably too expensive to regularly render for television…
and pretty impossible to destroy… so I don’t mind that
either), but they are off to a good start.
question is how this will develop over a season, and just how many
episodes do they have in the can? The writer’s strike could
easily kill this show, and from what I’ve seen already, that
would be a shame.
see James Cameron’s name on this show…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CAMERON?!!! Titanic was an
incredibly shitty movie to end your career on!
Marenghi’s Darkplace is a strange combination of a fake
documentary, a comedy, horror and a cheesy 80’s action drama!
So far it’s been endlessly entertaining and worth a good laugh.
Using jump cuts, bad acting, purposely poor special effects, corny
80’s electronic music and then commenting on how brilliant
these episodes were, they achieve a blend of slick schlock that
is very tasty! You can check out Darkplace on Cartoon Network’s
of Adult Swim, since the writer’s strike doesn’t affect
cartoons, we’re getting new Aqua Teen Hunger Force,
among some of the other returning cartoons. I sure would like to
see new Sealab 2021 and the Venture Brothers.
I’ve been enjoying the most is Tim and Eric Awesome Show
Good Job which is the best comedy skit show since Kids
in the Hall.
to know something that’s even scarier than a Rogue Black Hole?
Raising taxes in a recession!
If you wanted
a recipe for tanking this country, raising taxes when we’re
headed for a recession will give us the Great Depression Part Deux!
And yet, here are all the Democrat presidential candidates, going
back to the well and pulling out tax raises as a means of fixing
Since when has RAISING TAXES ever helped the economy? That’s
like saying handing someone a live hand-grenade will help cure the
flu! Sure if we kill the patient, then you don’t have to worry
about illness anymore!
consistent, historical and recent empirical factual evidence that
proves the best way to improve the economy is to lower taxes. Period.
If anyone wants to argue that fact, I will destroy you with the
bright light of REALITY!
- I've got
so much I want to talk about but too little time to do it. So, for
right now, I'll just send you to see this incredible video of Tom
Cruise praising Scientology. If fucking with South
Park and jumping on Oprah's couch scared you...
this will make you lock your kids in a closet! Apparently, Britney
Spears and Tom Cruise share the same publicist.
my buddy Pump for sending the video to me. Pump is a member of the Couch Pirates if you want to read more from him.
- I've got
tons more to talk about over the next few days so please check back!
You won't regret it!
- The Golden
Globes opted for a low-key event instead of the typical celebrity
soaked orgy we usually get.
winner is… Us.
As in, you
and me. No self aggrandizing speeches from movie stars, no political
gems from people who literally live in glass houses and absolutely
No Joan Rivers!
the writer’s strike was a bad thing?
something fun and new to worry about? Scientists have discovered
that the Milky Way Galaxy could contain hundreds of Rogue
Black Holes, that jet around under their own power and swallow
up everything in their path. Just in case you think we’d see
that coming, think again, after all we’re talking about a
black hole, unless it’s sucking up a lot of gas we could have
a Rogue Black Hole on top of us before we knew it.
it doesn’t even have to hit us directly to destroy us. A Rogue
Black Hole could graze the solar system for just long enough to
throw the elliptical orbits of all the planets off and irrevocably
change the environment.
we'll soon learn that Rogue Black Holes are caused by driving SUVs.
- Want to
know why Bill Richardson is getting out of the
presidential race? This is a nice guy, good sense, great resume,
but has no traction whatsoever. He’s too fat. For all the
talk about how difficult it is for a woman to do the image dance,
the thing that killed Bill Richardson is how much he weighs.
or not, right or wrong - image counts, now more than ever. Want
to argue with the Beefboy? Okay, you’re stupid, but when is
the last time we had a President who was fat? In fact, when was
the last time we elected a short President? Or a bald President?
Television changed everything for us and there's no going back.
President in recent history is Jimmy Carter, who
is 5’9”, which is on the high end of average. Our shortest
President was James Madison (5’3”)
who was the fourth President of the U.S., back when your resume
counted more. We definitely didn't have television back when Madison
have to go back to Dwight D. Eisenhower to find
a President who didn’t have a bunch of hair. Image counts.
Now more than ever. Richardson
was too fat.
Beefboy’s handy image calculator, you can eliminate about
half the pack. Giuliani and Thompson are going to have to buck the hair trend to hold on. Tancredo and Kucinich are too short to be a contender. Alan
Keyes talks and looks too much like Kermit the Frog. Ron
Paul looks too much like Senator Palpatine.
not sure how this affects Hillary, who apparently
has her own image problems. I’ll start writing the book on
how image counts for a woman President as soon as we actually have
buddy Scott, wrote me this message referring to my quick review
of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer on December 26.
Scott: What is the Beefboy thinking? Rise of the Silver Surfer was one of the best Comic Book Movies ever, period. Was it Fantastic
Four comic accurate? No. Did it feel and act like a comic book?
Yes. Did it feel like you sat down with a new double sized issue
of FF fresh from the comic shop? Yep. That movie is truly one of
the best comic book movies ever made.
Beefboy: Good gravy! I'm not a Fantastic Four fan, and I'm all for changing
things to work in a movie environment, so that's not the problem.
What I'm thinking is that Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver
Surfer was corny and didn't have much action in it. If you
make it through a full film without having The Thing punch someone
then that's a bust as far as I'm concerned. Where’s my “Clobberin’
Time?” Doctor Doom served no purpose. The dancing scene was
dorky. Everyone changing powers was inane. Some Hollywood hack saw
how the Silver Surfer looked and thought it would be a good idea
to copy a liquid metal Terminator (which is a decade and a half
old). I don’t think Rise of the Silver Surfer even
managed to match the first film.
Are you saying FF2 is better than Batman Begins, 300, Hellboy, or The Crow? The only comic movie that Rise of the Silver Surfer beats hands down is Catwoman!
Scott: I am now a firm believer that generally comics do not make good
movies or do movies (TV Shows) make good comics. The mediums while
similar are different and feel different.
My big kudos
to the FF movies is that they felt like I was watching a comic.
While movies like Batman Begins, Blade 1 & 2,
and Spider-Man 1 & 2 all felt like movies based on
comics and they came off as decent movies but not a comic book movie.
as Batman Begins, was and it was a great movie, I couldn’t
see it in comic form. While movies like FF1, FF2 and Hellboy truly felt like I was reading the stories out of the pages. I haven’t
seen Sin City but I heard it is the same way and was the
reason people didn’t like it.
Beefboy: I think we can both agree that Hellboy was an entertaining
movie that truly felt like a comic experience. What do you think Beefantatics?
Chime in on the Beefboy Forum and tell us both off!
If you want to hear more
from Scott, you should go check out his article Ring Rust over on the Couch
Pirates site. He updates twice a month and has some serious insight
into the world of professional wrestling!
- Have you noticed that
the Beefboy is not really talking about the Republican candidates?
You know why? Because they’re boring. No one really cares about
what any of them have to say. Even hardcore “staunch”
Republican wags can’t get an erection about the Republican line-up.
If you can’t get your own people excited, how the fuck are Republicans
going to convince the most important segment of the voting population,
the moderates, to vote for them? Answer – you don’t.
The only way that Republicans
win this year is if the Democrats make egregious errors prior to the
What I mean is that, to
lose, the Dems are going to have to get caught betting in pit bull
fights, participating in a donkey show, or admitting to watching Dance
Wars: Bruno versus Carrie Ann.
- Is anyone
excited about the BCS Final game… or as the Beefboy likes
to call it.. The Battle for Who Could Care Less?
got a two loss team versus a one loss team, who didn’t play
anyone worth a shit all season. Of course I’ll watch it,
but it doesn’t feel either important or final in the slightest.
was ever a year that makes the case for a good NCAA college football
playoff system… this is it!
Barton is Maxim magazine's January cover girl. The Beefboy
has never been overly impressed with Mischa Barton, but someone
told her to get rid of that dirty blond hair, get a decent cut,
put some fucking makup on and show some flesh... and all of a
sudden she's at least pinging on my radar.
did the Beefboy tell you yesterday? After losing to Obama and Huckabee, suddenly everyone is about "change".
So today, in a televised debate in New Hampshire, HillaryBot starts to shimmy apart at the seams! How many times did she say
the word "CHANGE"?
vitriol or fear of losing? You make the call...
says about everything that needs to be said about David
Magazine says he's the Man of the Year... the Beefboy says he's
the Nutsack of the Moment... he's Russian President Vladimir
Putin and you can read more about him in the sidebar
to the right!
to Obama and Huckabee for their
wins in Iowa. Both of those candidates strike me as the type of
guy I’d like to sit down and have dinner with sometime. Those candidates
share a likeable and positive persona, and are working off a Washington
possible that this time we’re looking for something different?
The Anti-Politician? I’m not convinced yet, but the prospect
is making me erect.
else, a black man just won the day and I like what that says about
Obama and Huckabee’s win, the big political word is “change”.
I just heard Hillary say that she’s been
for “change” for 35 years! Does that count during
the eight years her husband was in office? She wanted change then?
ANYONE who represents no change whatsoever it’s Hillary
Clinton. She is the Politician Prototype. If the computers took
over and created a Political Terminator it would look and act
just like Hillary! In fact, that would explain a lot. Maybe the
computers created Hillary and sent her back in time to win this
election. That laugh of hers can’t possibly be from a human…
of those kids was killed and the tiger was killed. If that’s
true, then the kid deserved it. Congratulations to the new Darwin
Award winner! I feel bad for the tiger, who should have been given
the Nobel Peace Prize for thinning the human herd and teaching
kids around the world that if you fuck with the big cats- you
get the claws!
in the world do we allow Iowa to be the first out of the gate
to place votes for Presidential candidates? Nothing against Iowa,
but we should either have all the votes (caucus or primary) on
one day, OR rotate the states, so everyone gets a chance to be
first and get unparalleled attention from candidates. The whole
process of choosing a President should be scuttled and reimagined.
seen what candidates we have to choose from? It’s an insult
to every American. And Sean Penn.
photos and goodies this weekend!
Beefboy saw Jim Brewer at a small local comedy
club about ten years ago... it's nice to see he's still out there.
Here's a short vid of his...
That's Toxic Goddess Cravyn above and you can see a LOT more of her at ToxicGoddess.com!
Goddess features well over 10,000 sexy photos from fine art photographer
Robert Henry and world renowned fetish photographer Dirk Hooper with styling
by vanguard makeup artist Jennifer Marks. The work you will see at Toxic
Goddess is exclusive, erotic, artistic and kinky.