March 30, 2008

- This week's South Park brought back a ton of memories for me. I have to admit that a lot of my own sexual proclivities probably come from Taarna (above) and the original Heavy Metal movie. Chicks with swords, Dominatrix, thigh high boots... yeah, and those "rockin' tits"!

- That's me with Toxic Goddess Aello. Her photos and profile are coming soon to the Beefboy site! Until then, enjoy a new preview gallery here. Or you can always just visit the Toxic Goddess site and see everything I can't show you on my site.

- Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have a phrase they keep repeating that should scare the living fuck out of you!  The phrase?  “Shared Prosperity.”  It’s the basis for their whole campaign. 

“Shared Prosperity” sure sounds like a happy little idea.  Wow… we’re ALL going to be prosperous!  Spock said “Live Long and Prosper”… how could such a warm fuzzy phrase be a problem? 

Well, Beefantatics, “Shared Prosperity” just means that the government takes all your extra money and spreads it out to everyone.  It’s fucking socialism!  If they point a gun at you it’s COMMUNISM!  Hugo Chavez is for “Shared Prosperity”!  So is Fidel Castro!  Karl Marx wrote a neat little book about “Shared Prosperity” called The Communist Manifesto!  The Soviet Union built a shitty doomed country around “Shared Prosperity” that collapsed in the late 80’s because SHARED PROSPERITY SUCKS! 

“Shared Prosperity” just means that you hand your money over to the government and they misspend it on bullshit while you live in a fucking shack, have shitty health care and then risk your life in a small boat to get to another country that doesn’t practice SHARED PROSPERITY!  Holy fucking shit Beefantatics! 

Do we have any politicians out there who have the stones to tell those fuckers that we’re not going to descend into fucking communism?  How about someone… ANYONE… in our free press, that will CALL the Democrat candidates on their desire to make the USA into the USSR?!!!  Seriously! 

Socialism has failed, the world over, for a fucking century!  Socialists have ruined the lives of hundreds of billions of people time and time again, and yet two of our three candidates for President think socialism is a good idea. 

Well Beefantatics… not just no… but, FUCK NO!  Those two yokels can stick their “Shared Prosperity” up their socialist asses!  And twist it.  Hard.

Dig it!

March 26, 2008

- If you say “divestiture” when you mean “divisor” then you misspoke.  If you manufacture a complete story about being fired on by snipers in Bosnia and doing corkscrews to get to safety, when you actually were having a nice little reception on the tarmac and being read poems by a little girl then you didn’t misspeak… you LIED, which is exactly what Hillary Clinton did… TWICE. 

Now, unless you’re ignorant of the facts, or you wear kneepads for the Democrats, you should know by now that the Clintons lie.  A Lot.  I’m just amazed that after they spent eight years in the White House, some people have actually forgotten what world class liars they are.

- Lots up updates this coming weekend Beefanatics!

March 22, 2008

- Justin Timberlake?...

"Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song

March 16, 2008

The Beefboy has bad news for you if you're a Senator Barack Obama supporter. The recent news about the moonbat, angry and anti-american comments by Reverend Wright, Obama's Reverend for twenty years, and Obama's subsequent denouncing of those views, leaves you with two exceptionally bad options.

Either Obama was a parishioner with that church for twenty years because he believes those words (that also echo the words of his own wife), OR Obama lacked the judgment and perception to realize, after two decades, that his Reverend held these beliefs, preached these beliefs and published DVD's containing these beliefs for everyone to see.

Either option means that Obama is not fit for the highest office in the land.

March 12, 2008

- Congratulations to the Beefboy's first female Nutsack of the Moment - Gloria Steinem! You can read why she's my Nutsack of the Moment in the sidebar to the right.

- As you know Democrat New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught with a bit of a hooker habit.  Is there any politician out there who doesn’t either have his hand in the money jar or the honey jar?  Is there anyone in a position of power that takes the office serious anymore? 

At least he wasn’t stumping against gay marriage while meeting boy toys in public bathrooms… that hunk of hypocrisy is reserved for Republicans and Evangelists.

- The Beefboy is not too much on posting quotes, but I really like this one:

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."  - Thomas Paine

March 10, 2008

- Above are new photos from the Watchmen movie. That project has been a long time coming. I think they missed the hype wave on that by about, oh... two decades! Still, if it's good, it will be worth the wait.

- Since we're on the subject of comic adaptations, I really like the new Spectacular Spider-man cartoon.  They have decided to bring the feel of the old Stan Lee and Steve Ditko 60’s version of Spider-man (troubled teen science nerd) into the modern era, and what do you know?  It works great! They even resurrected the old belt light he used to have! 

The fight scenes are clever and fast.  The writing is solid and I’m happy to see that they have an over-arching continuity between episodes.  The new song actually competes well with the old “Spider-man… Spider-man… Does whatever a spider can…” song from the old 60’s series. 

Spider-man as a high school student is a much more interesting character as far as I’m concerned.  Spider-man as a well adjusted professor with a hot wife is a nice ending to the story, but it effectively removes everything that makes the character interesting and sympathetic. 

- Also on the WB Saturday morning line-up last weekend was The Batman: Lost Heroes “movie”, an hour long episode featuring the Justice League.  Throughout this season they have slowly introduced the highly stylized versions of Superman, The Flash, Martian Manhunter and the rest of the gang (but no Wonder Woman, for some reason… in fact, I think whoever is in charge of the new Batman series is gay because they ruined Harley Quinn and managed to remove all sexiness from Catwoman… but I digress). 

Lost Heroes was a hell of a payoff for a season with a bunch of “guest appearances”.  This series shines brightest during action scenes and an alien invasion was a great highlight for the super-powered Justice League and had a nice message about why “normal guys” like Batman and Green Arrow are an integral part of the team. 

While The Batman is not anywhere near as good at The Batman Animated Series from the 90’s, Lost Heroes was clearly a satisfying high point.

March 9, 2008

- I'm going to take a lot of bullshit about this from my Couch Pirates friends but the Beefboy loves skunk hair girls.

There. I said it.

- Props to Bill O'Reilly for calling the real reason for Hillary’s success in Tuesday’s primaries.  Yes Bill, it actually was the skewering bit by Saturday Night Live that won her the majority of Tuesday’s primaries. 

Of course, if you read the Beefboy Rants the previous night you knew that long before O’Reilly took his morning shit.

March 5, 2008

- Since the Beefboy is in a campaign to get CNN to ditch Candy "Admiral Ackbar" Crowley from their weekend election coverage... so that I can stomach it long enough to get some information and hear some speeches (FOX just runs talking heads all day... pretty talking heads, but talking heads nonetheless, and MSNBC is about as close to Pravda as you can get), I have a new person to put on as the head of weekend coverage... CNN Correspondant Amy Holmes!

Super smart, perceptive and HOT, Amy Holmes is exactly what CNN needs on the weekend to get my attention. So, what do you say CNN? Ready for prime time?

You've already got Amy Holmes on speed dial... let's put her in the top spot!

The Beefboy is trying to help you out (and help myself out too).

- Did you read my rant on McDonald's McSkillet burrito? So did Couch Pirate Scott, and he still tried one of those damn tasteless things! You can read what he wrote me in The Octagon!

March 4, 2008

- Have you heard of the Oregon Mayor who got fired because she posted "racy photos" on MySpace? Well Beefantatics... you're looking at what they said was "racy" in the photos above.

Now admittedly I'm not much of an arbiter for what is offensive, but COME ON! Those photos are about as apple pie as you can get. Shit, if I had abs like that I'd put photos on billboards all over my home town! I suspect a bunch of cream puffs wanted her out of office because they were consumed with jealousy!

If you want to support former Oregon Mayor Carmen Kontur Gronquist then head over to her MySpace Page and tell her the Beefboy sent you!

- "Think of this as a hiring position," said Hillary Clinton, "Who would you hire for the most important position in the world?” 

To answer your question Hillary... it's certainly not you sister! In fact it's not anyone running. If the Beefboy is hiring for this position then I'm burning all the applications and I'm starting over! I agree it's the most important position in the world... any chance we can find someone in this country that's WORTHY of running the whole show?

- With that said, my kudos to Hillarybot for turning off her programming long enough to make a self deprecating appearance on Saturday Night Live, that she probably should have done a long time ago. Her biggest hurdle is to show some semblance of humanity and SNL is a good step in that direction.

- Mark my words.  Michelle Obama is a major liability for Barack Obama.  She’s got a lot of feminist liberal moonbat ideas and she’s not a charismatic politician like her husband.  If Obama gets the Democratic candidacy, Michelle Obama will be a continual embarrassment for Barack. Again, you heard it here first!

- A 20-sided die salute to Gary Gygax, who passed to the Astral Realm today.

March 2, 2008

- America's Funniest Home Videos is You Tube for retards.

- I have a friend at work that has a unique plan that the Beefboy needs to share with all the single guys out there.  His plan is simply to only date from late March to mid December.  We’ll call this plan “Dating Season”. 

The theory is, if you only date women during Dating Season, then you skip buying her a gift for Christmas and hanging out with her family, it saves you from doing something stupid on New Year’s Eve, spares you the pain and anguish of Valentine’s Day, plus you’re free to hang with the guys for the NCAA National Championship football game, the Superbowl and March Madness. 

Dating Season eliminates almost all that holiday silliness except Thanksgiving, and everyone knows the more places you have to go on Thanksgiving, the more you get to eat. 

I’m not saying that I’m endorsing Dating Season, because you know the Beefboy is all about the ladies… I’m merely passing passing this nugget to the single Beefanatics.

February 29, 2008

- Have you ever noticed that Obama sounds like the Rock?  Since Obama likes taking other people’s routines, the Rock sounds as good as any.  He can inform McCain that he’s going to “lay the smackdown on his monkey ass”!  Obama can tell Hillary that he doesn’t like her pie.  I bet he could even give some reporters the “People’s Elbow”… if you can smell what Barack… is cookin’!

- So… let’s see… if we’re losing lives and getting our ass kicked then Iraq is a front page story. But if we’re the ones kicking ass, the surge works and we’re winning, then it’s not a story at all?  What’s up with that? 

Gosh, if I didn’t know better, the Beefboy would say that the press is BIASED and they have a reason to bask in us losing, and hide when we’re winning.  Of course I’d never say that… we know that our press is chock full of proud American patriots.

Dig it.

February 27, 2008

- Who is the chick above? I have no idea, but she's a good representative from the site She Jailbait? The concept behind the site is to guess whether the pictures are of girls who are underage or not, with photos culled from real profiles on MySpace and Facebook.

I think visiting that site puts you on an FBI watch list and virtually guarantees you a meeting with Dateline's Chris Hansen, but I'm betting you go check it out anyway...

Thanks again to Couch Pirate Scott for sending the link my way.

- Have you noticed a considerable change in tone from the Staunchies on presumptive nominee John McCain?  A couple of weeks ago, the Beefboy told you that all the bitching from Laura Ingraham, Rush Limbaugh and all the other Staunchies would change soon and they would be looking for a good opportunity to get in line and haul the water for the Republican party.

Once again, the Beefboy was right.  All it took was a front page low-blow article from the New York Times to get everyone in step with the new Belle of the Republican Ball, John McCain. 

Pundits and wags should be reading my words with a pen and notebook in hand.

- Yesterday I told you about my experience with the consumer computer industry, today let me tell you about my United States Passport experience.  I needed to get a passport renewed by mid April for a trip I’m taking.  I embarked on my passport journey on lunch one day.  I had already downloaded the application from the internet and filled that out.  I also had my photo taken at Kinko’s.  I was ready to hand the thing over and get on with my life. 

I picked a post office advertised on the Department of State’s site as one that processed passport applications.  When I got to the post office, a sassy postal worker bitched at me that they didn’t process those today (just that day), like I should have known that through osmosis, and that I had to go to another post office downtown. 

I trekked to the location she provided and guess what?  That post office was closed to the public… SIX MONTHS AGO!  It did have a handy map to another downtown location though.  Isn’t the postal service considerate?  I went to the third location, and sure enough they were processing passports, but the wait was about an hour.  I’m not sure it was physically possible for people to move any slower, but eventually I got the whole show done. 

Or so I thought. 

Two weeks later I got my passport back.  I was happy with the turnaround time until I looked at my passport.  It had my first name and my last name as the SAME NAME.  On my passport, I was “Beefboy Beefboy”.  Neat. 

I went back to the same post office as before and waited TWO HOURS to spend two minutes with a guy who told me to send it back to the office that processed it in Houston.  So, I had to get more photos and pay the post office an exorbitant sum of money to overnight my stupid passport to and from the office.  Now I’m waiting to get the passport back for the second time. 

For those of you who seriously want the government involved in your health care, you’re a sub-moron of the highest order.

Dig it!

February 26, 2008

- Thanks to Couch Pirate Scott for this video...

- As the Beefboy mentioned on Sunday, I just bought a new computer.  I’m going to name names here, because I think my experience with setting up a new computer is something that the parties below should take a hit on. 

The Gateway computer and monitor were bought in a package deal at Best Buy.  My first problem was with compatibility between the monitor and the PC.  I got a computer with an additional graphics card, so I can make pretty pictures for the Beefanatics (and for porn).  The monitor came with a VGA cord and the computer’s graphics card has a digital connector.  Before I could do anything, I had to go back to Best Buy and buy a new digital cord so I could use my new computer. 

Next, I tried to use the USB cord and Windows “Easy Transfer” program to get my settings, passwords, emails and files over to my new PC.  After wasting about three days on that process, and not being able to transfer one bit between machines, I went out and bought a one terabyte SimpleTech portable drive to get all my crap off the old computer. 

When I got the brand new portable drive home, it had no USB cord, no power cord and the drive RATTLED like there was just a bunch of rocks inside the casing!  I shouldn’t have to tell you how much I paid for a one terabyte portable drive, so the Beefboy was not a happy customer!  So, I went back to Best Buy, exchanged the drive and began the process of transferring files.

Getting connected to the internet was another needless pain.  I’m still only about 80% of the way to a fully functioning computer, but obviously, I’m back online now and I’m able to do updates here.  However, I have to wonder what someone with less computer knowledge would have done when they had all of these problems.  I’m no expert by any means, but I have a good knowledge of the basics and I’ve done this sort of thing for about ten years now.  I’ve created and maintain about 20 websites.  I’m an insider and I fixed everything along the way, but what would my parents have done in this situation (assuming they didn’t have me to ask)?  What does the computer illiterate do? 

Best Buy, Gateway, SimpleTech and Microsoft needs to get their fucking act together!  If you sell a monitor with a computer in a package deal, those fuckers should sing RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX!  Also, to Microsoft, I shouldn’t have to pay Best Buy north of $150 and have pubescent members of the “Geek Squad” snoop through my private files so that I can transfer my information from my old computer to my new one.  To SimpleTech, the makers of my one terabyte drive, the CEO of that company should commit seppuku on streaming video for letting a brand new drive get out of his warehouse with no cords and rocks inside for parts! 

Finally, I’m convinced that the computer manufacturing and software industries are in collusion by creating a multi-billion dollar service industry to deal with all the horse shit compatibility and connection issues that crop up with brand new equipment.  Instead of working so hard to give me a computer that has “a new and fantastic color” why don’t you nutsacks try “efforting” to get my computer to work right out of the box like everything else in the world?

- Is it possible that CNN is reading the Beefboy?  I noticed that Candy Crowley was absent from CNN’s election coverage and was replaced by a new correspondent which was a marked improvement.

- I don’t know about you, but the Beefboy is ready for an overhaul of the election process.  This takes too long, it’s too expensive, a shrimpy sample of people is responsible for choosing who we have to vote for and it’s boring! 

So, of course, the Beefboy has a solution.  It’s time to take the American Idol format and pick our candidates that way.  We can start the series by having all the candidates line-up outside malls and hotels around the country and give them three minutes to give a speech that intrigues the judges. 

I think for the judges we should have Ann Coulter, James Carville and Penn Jillette.  John Stewart can host.  Once we get it down to 24 candidates we move the show to Washington D.C. and the real debates start.  The judges give their opinions then America VOTES TO KICK SOMEONE OFF THE SHOW! 

At the end of the season, we have three candidates left and we can have them compete at the polls! It might be our last chance to get an ignorant and apathetic electorate to help save our country.

Who's in?

February 24, 2008

- One of the Beefanatics actually bitch slapped me on the forum for not updating for a week.

The Beefboy abides.

I've been dealing with converting files, passwords, Outlook email, and every other fucking thing, over to a newer faster sexier computer. I have plenty to say about that process, in fact I've got plenty to say about everything that's been happening, but mostly I just want to say that I'm back in business and anxious to use this new computer to bring you MORE UPDATES!

- Just got through watching the Oscars, which I do now so I can gripe about the show to all of you. Actually, this was the most satisfying year for wins since Silence of the Lambs won Best Picture. No Country for Old Men was brilliant and it's about fucking time that the Coen Brothers took the Best Director award. Winning Best Picture is even better! Congratulations to the Coens who, like Wolverine, are the best they are at what they do.

Sure, plenty of the Staunchies who do talk radio will rail against Jon Stewart for sucking Democrat cock so vigorously during the opening monologue, but hey, at least the guy was funny, so I'm willing to give him a pass.

The real scoop on the Oscars though is Juno writer Diablo Cody (above) is fucking hot! Gay men and jealous women will whine endlessly about what she wore tomorrow, but fuck those nutsacks! I applaude her for doing her own thing and for winning the award for Best Screenplay.

Cody bring that Oscar over to the Beefboy Compound and we'll party it up right.

Dig it!

February 13, 2008

- Have you tried McDonald’s new breakfast burrito? Their old breakfast burritos, which they still offer, were small and mushy with a bunch of overly processed cheese. The new McSkillet burrito is much larger and they are selling it as a gourmet concoction.

Well, I’ve got news for you McDonald’s… your new breakfast burrito sucks balls! It must be the most bland thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s like a combination of a saltine cracker, without salt, tofu, plain oatmeal and a flour tortilla! If they had evil Nazi scientists try to create a food substance that was specifically designed to be as tasteless as possible, it would have more taste than McDonald’s McSkillet burrito!

Now, if you want a real breakfast burrito, try Sonic’s Steak, Egg and Bacon breakfast burrito. If eating that puppy doesn’t make you erect then you’re either dead or you don’t have a penis.

- Last weekend Hillary cried for the third time during this campaign. I don’t have a problem with crying in general, but I’m not cool with a president who cries all the time.

After September 11th, I didn’t want to see the president cry, I wanted to hear we were going to kick people’s ass! After Katrina, I didn’t want tears, I wanted action. Being the President of the United States requires a level head at all times. I’m sure that every day you are given an update on the world that makes you want to go hide under your bed. Every president will have to deal with a number of grueling, dangerous or unfortunate situations in the course of their term. Crying is not an appropriate response to any of those situations. As a president, you have to be the person we turn to in moments of crisis. It's not a job for pansies. That doesn't mean women can't do the job... just not pansy women.

I don't remember Margaret Thatcher blubbering! If you can't go head-to-head in a cage match against Margaret Thatcher, you better hang up your pantsuit!

February 10, 2008

- I just heard that the Writer's Guild Strike is over! That's great news for those of us who enjoy SCRIPTED television. The photo above is of Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles cast with writers from the show

The Beefboy is looking forward to a full season of Terminator and the return of The Office!

- Speaking of Terminator, here's the long overdue Beefboy Gallery of Summer Glau! Hard to find saucy photos of the saucy Ms. Glau, but I did my best... for you.

Separated at Birth?

- I'd watch CNN weekend's election coverage more, but I just can't stand looking at Candy Crowley! Holy nuts ahoy! That chick is ugly! Seriously. I think her and Admiral Ackbar were separated at birth!

Sure, sure... I can hear everyone saying "Candy Crowley is an award-winning correspondant!" And to that I say... you can cram your awards up your ass. Candy Crowley perpetually looks like someone has placed a steaming turd under her nose, moments before she went on air. I'm sure she would be fine on the radio or in print, but television is a VISUAL MEDIUM.

If you want to know why FOX is kicking the monkeyshit out of CNN, just look at the difference between Laurie Dhue and Candy Crowley. I'll be damned if either of them have a hair's difference in analysis... but one of them is a prime time player and the other is Candy Crowley.

Dig it!

February 9, 2008

- This sums up eight years of Bush.

February 7, 2008

- Still working on photos of Terminator's Summer Glau, but in the meantime, here's the actress who plays Sarah Connor in the Beefboy's Lena Headey Gallery.

- Wow! Brilliant play by Romney to drop out of the race. He makes Huckabee look bad, while making himself look like a party loyalist and a leader for any bid in 2012. He even took a shot at Clinton and Obama by saying that he’s dropping out to make sure that they don’t get in and “surrender to terrorists!” You better put Rush and Laura Ingraham on suicide watch! Those two and all the other Staunchies had better dry their eyes and nut-up… McCain is their boy now.

Watch for all the conservative talk show hosts to make a dramatic turn in their opinions. They will be looking for anything McCain says to justify an “olive branch” and get in lock-step with the Republican frontrunner.

You heard it here first.

February 6, 2008

- Some people look forward to the Super Bowl with rapt anticipation… but for the Beefboy… it’s Super Tuesday that excites me! I realize that makes me a freak. Last night we learned a several things and they are all very important.

- Mike Huckabee is not spoiling anything. He’s as much in this race as anyone else. I’ll also point out that the media wants to characterize his campaign as solely a bunch of Christians voting for their boy… but once again everyone but the Beefboy is getting it wrong!

Huckabee is the only proponent of the Fair Tax, which proposes to eliminate the IRS and could single-handedly solve all of our present and future economic problems, including social security, losing jobs to other countries, the national debt and whatever else you’ve got!

And don’t, for one second, let anyone tell you that this is unfair to the poor. It has been proven to be the most humane tax system for the underprivileged and basically removes them entirely from the tax system.

What was the first thing that Huckabee said in his stump speech last night? He said he was looking forward to locking the doors of the IRS. Do you think that resounds with voters? You bet your ass it does! So, I have to question why the mainstream media is making all of Huckabee's votes about Jesus. Sounds like bias and laziness to the Beefboy.

We all know that McCain is a favorite of the media, and although they would love to see Hillary or Obama as our next president... McCain would be a close behind. How about all you boys and girls in big media put that bias aside, pick up a notebook and a pen, and fucking do some work for a change?

Want to know more about the Fair Tax? Click below...

- Pollsters know nothing! They have been wrong, across the board, since the first of the year. I suspect the problem is that the type of person who answers the phone from someone they don’t know AND has the time to talk to them, also happens to be voting for the wrong person.

Forget the polls. They are useless.

- If you look at one important indicator last night, it underscores everything that I’ve been telling you over the past few weeks. If you study the turnout for Obama and Clinton, versus the anemic turnout for the Republican rogues gallery, this race is already over. Add to that how many times I’ve heard Republicans say, “If (insert name here) gets the nomination, I’m staying home.” You can only conclude that the Dems are headed for the White House.

February 5, 2008

- I just recently watched some episodes of the first season of Battlestar Gallactica and noticed something. One of the producers on Gallactica is Toni Graphia, who also showed up as a producer on the new Terminator series (star Lena Headey above). That may have something to do with the level of quality that I’m seeing on Terminator.

I hear that they have nine episodes in the can for Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I’m also hearing that the writer’s strike may be ending soon, which means that we may actually get a nearly full season of Terminator. I’m hoping that Terminator gets the chance to develop because it’s off to a great start.

- I’m glad to hear that Willie Nelson has joined the 911 Conspiracy Fucktard Movement. I think if you look around and your two highest profile spokesmen are Charlie Sheen and Willie Nelson, then maybe you should reconsider just how wise YOU are for supporting that concept.

Maybe frying your brain with drugs is the litmus test to get in that club.

February 4, 2008

- You should have heard Laura Ingraham’s radio broadcast today, as she pleaded, with breathless desperation, to vote for Romney over McCain. The Staunchies are cracking up Beefanatics! Shit, I love politics.

- I’m no expert on sports, but I’m certainly an expert on politics, and Senator Arlen Specter, the genius behind the Kennedy assassination’s Single Bullet Theory, needs to get out of the NFL’s business. His “interest” in tapes of hand signals by Superbowl losers, the Patriots, is at the very least an absolutely monumental waste of time.

Can Specter tell us that an internal issue that has already been dealt with, for an entertainment venture, is more important than the nation’s ailing economy, illegal immigration, terrorism, skyrocketing health care, the environment, a looming energy crisis, social security bankruptcy and anything else Congress has on it’s plate?

Well, Arlen? Is some silly NFL thing REALLY more important that all of that? Oh, it’s not? Then fucking leave that shit to the NFL and get the fuck back to work you flaming nutsack! Fuck Arlen Specter. Fuck congress. Fuck the government! Fuck everyone!

We don’t have time to worry about steroids in baseball, or hand signals in the NFL or any other fucking miniscule shit about adults who play children’s games for entertainment. You’re OUT OF TIME. No more fucking around! While you’re engaged in masturbatory politics the damn world is on fire, people are suffering and the United States is careening headlong into economic catastrophe!

Get your head out of your fucking ass and get to work. NOW!

Dig it!

February 3, 2008

- Sorry to see softball maven Jenny Finch leave The Celebrity Apprentice. I always thought she was hot, but I had no idea she was such an amazon. The Beefboy digs amazons.

I’ll never tire of hearing, “Finch is on the mound!”

- I’d love to see John McCain win the Republican race… just to see GOP water boy Rush Limbaugh crap his pants. Ann Coulter says that she'll campaign for Hillary if McCain wins the Republican nomination! (The Beefboy is willing to help Ann work out her frustrations in the bedroom.)

McCain is a mess! He’s all for wide open borders, authored the campaign finance fiasco McCain/Feingold law and voted against the Bush tax cuts. I’ll give him props for his stand on Iraq, terrorism and spending though.

It’s looking more and more like a fractured and weakened Republican party is going to escort Hill and Bill back into the White House.

- Is there any doubt that Mike Huckabee has brokered a deal to be the VP if McCain gets the nod? As long as he stays in the race, he will bleed off social conservative votes from Romney and will usher McCain into the top spot. However, as I noted above, it’s not going to matter unless terrorism becomes a big issue again.

- I’d like to commend the Democrats who are not really in this race for having the class to bow out. We’re now left with two Dems in the Presidential race. We only have two Republicans who are really in the race too, but we’ve still got a gaggle of nutsacks who won’t clear the way. I told you why Huckabee is still around, but what about Ron Paul or uber-nothing Alan Keyes?!!!

Get the fuck out of there and so we get down to it, boys.

January 30, 2008

The Beefboy recently had jury duty and there are some good life lessons that I gained from the experience. In no particular order, here are the things that I learned from jury duty.

1. Justice is slow. No one moves quickly in the world of law. I would surmise that court houses exist in a pocket universe that slows everything down by half. That means that while you are waiting to be called to an actual trial, it will be the longest period of your life.

2. Jury duty is no place to pick up chicks. I was easily one of the youngest people there, and I’m not THAT young myself. Most women were old or forced to wear tent dresses due to their expansive weight. One girl who was super hot dropped by for jury duty and was quickly dismissed. I suspect that she was too hot to stay there.

3. Mostly, the “duty” in jury duty, is about sitting. I’ve never sat so much in my entire life. Even in school I got up occasionally to sharpen my pencil.

4. They trust you with a man’s life, but they don’t trust you with bottled water. Apparently, taking a bottle of water into a court room violates someone’s civil rights.

5. Terrorists have complicated my life. You can’t walk into an airport and get on a plane in under two hours and it's almost as bad at the court house. Thanks Osama.

6. I’d like for everyone to rise when I come into the room. Judges get that routine. They should spread that around.

7. Lawyers talk way too fucking much and absolutely love the sound of their own voice. Got a lawyer friend? Get him or her a digital voice recorder for a gift. They will love you forever.

January 28, 2008

- Whether you’re looking forward to the president’s speech tonight, or not, there is some good news about this State of the Union address – it’s President Bush’s last.

The Beefboy is a big proponent of forcing out a president after one term. Bush’s first term was certainly enough. With Clinton we got BJ’s (Bill Jobs) in the White House and Reagan gave us naps during meetings, in his second term. Four years are enough.

Two-term presidents are habitually a disaster. There’s something about being the “leader of the free world” that just fosters corruption and incompetence after four years. Love him or hate him, this is Bush’s swan song.

There will be change and change is good.

January 27, 2008

- How long must we pay for the sins of Janet Jackson?

Since the Superbowl “incident” we have been treated to geriatric performances by Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones, admittedly brilliant but self-neutered Prince, and now this year, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Look, I don’t have anything against Prince or Tom Petty, but both acts are past their prime, and as talented and important as McCartney and the Stones are, they are so far past prime that they’re growing mold!

It’s time to bring in an act that has some present relevance. It’s the Superbowl for fuck’s sake! We’re not talking about the State Fair.

Any chance that we can book a band that has a hit in the 21st century?

January 24, 2008

- Wow! Have you heard about the movie Doomsday? Well, it looks like equal parts 28 Days Later and Escape from New York, with a bit of Underworld thrown in for taste. Here's the trailer. I'm excited!

Thanks to my buddy Shawn for giving me the heads up on Doomsday!

- What’s the most important thing we can take from Tuesday’s stock market melee? Simply put, we’re going to have a Democrat in the White House next year. There’s nothing better than a bad economy to throw out a certain party, and the Republicans have had the White House for 8 years.

The only thing that will trump a bad economy is a major terrorist attack. Unless bin Laden is for the GOP, he better keep his boys in line.

- No offense to Heath Ledger, but there is NO WAY that his death should have taken the top spot on the news over the stock market. I realize that the populace is probably looking to escape from everything and that’s fine, but when hard news lets the death of an emerging actor overtake an emergency three quarter cut in interest rate from the Federal Reserve and a GLOBAL economy disaster, then old media has outlived it’s usefulness!

Edward R. Murrow would crap his pants if he were alive to see this!

- Speaking of the economy, the plan to save us that President Bush and the Democrat led congress is coming up with is an insult to everyone. A one-time “tax rebate” is asinine in the most egregious manner!

Obviously, Wall Street agrees. Since making the announcement on the plan the stock market has taken a steep nose dive, even with a major interest rate cut by the Fed. The market has stabilized somewhat but we're in the basement and the slightest thing will send us tumbling again.

If our government wants to really do something for the economy, I tend to believe the suggestion of Mad Money’s Jim Cramer for the government to bolster the insurance for lending institutions. We also need to lower corporate taxes, which are some of the highest in the world and then cut personal taxes permanently to encourage long-term spending.

Congress also needs to stop the absolutely outrageous spending spree they have been on for the past decade, pay down the deficit and build up the sagging dollar. It’s time for government to tighten the belt, or we’re all going to be sucking Satan’s schlong soon.

And, by the way, both shitty parties are responsible for the economic problem we’re in. Fix it, you nutsacks!

Dig it!

January 21, 2008

- We should be deep in the glow of the winter season for television, but that writer’s strike is making them choke us with reality programming. If you’re looking for some decent options they are out there though. Here’s a few…

- Summer Glau as a protector Terminator and Lena Heady as Sarah Connor are definitely two great tastes that taste great together in FOX’s Sarah Connor Chronicles. It’s pretty clear that we’re supposed to forget some of the Terminator continuity from the third film (I don’t really mind that revision) and you’ve got to wonder where those liquid metal Terminators are (probably too expensive to regularly render for television… and pretty impossible to destroy… so I don’t mind that either), but they are off to a good start.

The real question is how this will develop over a season, and just how many episodes do they have in the can? The writer’s strike could easily kill this show, and from what I’ve seen already, that would be a shame.

I didn’t see James Cameron’s name on this show… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CAMERON?!!! Titanic was an incredibly shitty movie to end your career on!

- Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is a strange combination of a fake documentary, a comedy, horror and a cheesy 80’s action drama! So far it’s been endlessly entertaining and worth a good laugh. Using jump cuts, bad acting, purposely poor special effects, corny 80’s electronic music and then commenting on how brilliant these episodes were, they achieve a blend of slick schlock that is very tasty! You can check out Darkplace on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim.

- Speaking of Adult Swim, since the writer’s strike doesn’t affect cartoons, we’re getting new Aqua Teen Hunger Force, among some of the other returning cartoons. I sure would like to see new Sealab 2021 and the Venture Brothers.

The show I’ve been enjoying the most is Tim and Eric Awesome Show Good Job which is the best comedy skit show since Kids in the Hall.

- Want to know something that’s even scarier than a Rogue Black Hole? Raising taxes in a recession!

If you wanted a recipe for tanking this country, raising taxes when we’re headed for a recession will give us the Great Depression Part Deux! And yet, here are all the Democrat presidential candidates, going back to the well and pulling out tax raises as a means of fixing the economy!

Excuse me? Since when has RAISING TAXES ever helped the economy? That’s like saying handing someone a live hand-grenade will help cure the flu! Sure if we kill the patient, then you don’t have to worry about illness anymore!

There is consistent, historical and recent empirical factual evidence that proves the best way to improve the economy is to lower taxes. Period. If anyone wants to argue that fact, I will destroy you with the bright light of REALITY!

Dig it!

January 20, 2008

- I've got so much I want to talk about but too little time to do it. So, for right now, I'll just send you to see this incredible video of Tom Cruise praising Scientology. If fucking with South Park and jumping on Oprah's couch scared you... this will make you lock your kids in a closet! Apparently, Britney Spears and Tom Cruise share the same publicist.

Thanks to my buddy Pump for sending the video to me. Pump is a member of the Couch Pirates if you want to read more from him.

- I've got tons more to talk about over the next few days so please check back! You won't regret it!

January 14, 2008

- The Golden Globes opted for a low-key event instead of the typical celebrity soaked orgy we usually get.

And the winner is… Us.

As in, you and me. No self aggrandizing speeches from movie stars, no political gems from people who literally live in glass houses and absolutely No Joan Rivers!

Who said the writer’s strike was a bad thing?

- Want something fun and new to worry about? Scientists have discovered that the Milky Way Galaxy could contain hundreds of Rogue Black Holes, that jet around under their own power and swallow up everything in their path. Just in case you think we’d see that coming, think again, after all we’re talking about a black hole, unless it’s sucking up a lot of gas we could have a Rogue Black Hole on top of us before we knew it.

Furthermore, it doesn’t even have to hit us directly to destroy us. A Rogue Black Hole could graze the solar system for just long enough to throw the elliptical orbits of all the planets off and irrevocably change the environment.

I'm sure we'll soon learn that Rogue Black Holes are caused by driving SUVs.

January 11, 2008

- Want to know why Bill Richardson is getting out of the presidential race? This is a nice guy, good sense, great resume, but has no traction whatsoever. He’s too fat. For all the talk about how difficult it is for a woman to do the image dance, the thing that killed Bill Richardson is how much he weighs.

Like it or not, right or wrong - image counts, now more than ever. Want to argue with the Beefboy? Okay, you’re stupid, but when is the last time we had a President who was fat? In fact, when was the last time we elected a short President? Or a bald President? Television changed everything for us and there's no going back.

The shortest President in recent history is Jimmy Carter, who is 5’9”, which is on the high end of average. Our shortest President was James Madison (5’3”) who was the fourth President of the U.S., back when your resume counted more. We definitely didn't have television back when Madison was President.

You’ll have to go back to Dwight D. Eisenhower to find a President who didn’t have a bunch of hair. Image counts. Now more than ever. Richardson was too fat.

Using the Beefboy’s handy image calculator, you can eliminate about half the pack. Giuliani and Thompson are going to have to buck the hair trend to hold on. Tancredo and Kucinich are too short to be a contender. Alan Keyes talks and looks too much like Kermit the Frog. Ron Paul looks too much like Senator Palpatine.

I’m not sure how this affects Hillary, who apparently has her own image problems. I’ll start writing the book on how image counts for a woman President as soon as we actually have one.

January 8, 2008

The Beefboy's buddy Scott, wrote me this message referring to my quick review of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer on December 26.