May 30, 2006

- Billie Piper (to the left) is one good reason to watch Sci-fi's rebroadcast of Dr. Who. Not only do you get to drool over her for a good hour, but the new Dr. Who is a solid classic space and time tale, with some decent character development and the best effects I've seen out of the UK. I've really fallen in love with Dr. Who and Billie Piper is a large part of that. While I really like Christopher Eccleston's version of the Doctor, I've learned that he only did the role for this season, so I'm hoping the new chap doesn't suck nuts!

I've enjoyed the new Dr. Who so much that I watched some old Tom Baker episodes with a friend yesterday, and what do you know... I enjoyed those too! What can I say?... The Beefboy is a geek.

If you like looking at Billie as much as I do, then whip right over to the new Billie Piper Beefboy Gallery... hey, I take care of you guys, right?

- I was busy with a birthday, an art show and some other stuff over the past few weeks, but I want to weigh-in on The Da Vinci Code. First off, I haven't seen the movie, so this is not a movie review. What I want to talk about is the media storm leading up to the premier, and the Catholic church.

While a lot of people mentioned that the Catholic church coming out against The Da Vinci Code was good publicity for the movie, what I failed to hear is how good all this controversy was for the Catholic church. Over the past few weeks, I saw more Catholics on talk shows, touting the good things of the church than any time since the new pope came along. For the first time in a very very long time the church got to come out on the offense and look like the good guys! You can't pay for press like this!

Anyone who says that The Da Vinci Code was bad for the Catholic church is an abject idiot! The Catholic church should send some hot Catholic chicks, dressed in school girl outfits, to give Dan Brown, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks the best blow jobs they've ever had!

Dig it!

April 22, 2006

- Nikkei Nicole has been kind enough to offer exclusive photos to the Beefboy (and all of you) on a recurring basis. Please help welcome her to the site and visit her MySpace page and sign up for her Yahoo Group! Send some positive messages her way and tell her the Beefboy sent you!

- Why the fuck is Saved by the Bell on Adult Swim? No seriously. I understand that corporate executives get antsy if they haven't created the next "big" thing, and start to worry if things are going well without their input. However, showing Saved by the Bell, a fourth-rate 80's Saturday morning live action show, on a first-rate adult cartoon phenomenon is absurdity at it's height! It's like running Ultimate Fighting Challenge on Lifetime... or Leave it to Beaver on Black Entertainment Television.. uhmmm... it just doesn't work fellas. Dump that old shit. NOW! I mean it. You don't want none of this.

- Thanks to Toby Keith for creating the new redneck anthem "Get Drunk and Be Somebody"! The Beefboy lives in the capital of the redneck world, so I imagine that hillbillies will be irritating me with that phrase for years to come. Let's not pretend this is some sort of "Fuck The Man" song, it's just another excuse for corn pone-eating Wrangler-wearing Trekkies to act like an asshole (and if you didn't know, the Beefboy calls any group of people who dress like dweebs and act like something they are not... Trekkies)! If you'd like to read the lyrics to this song, here they are.

- Here's something infinitely cooler... The Notorious Bettie Page is a movie about the hottie pin-up BDSM icon, and is playing across the country right now. I'm dying to see this movie but it hasn't opened up here. Bettie Page was a little before my time, but I've, ahem... studied her work, and you can count the Beefboy as a big fan. The lovely Gretchen Mol has some pretty big stilettos to fill on this gig, but I'm hearing good things. Anyone out there seen it yet?

- Supposed September 11th co-plotter Zacarias Moussaoui is trying too hard to get the death penalty. He told the court that he wished more people had died on 9-11, that survivors were "disgusting" and that little prissy fuckhole Timmy McVeigh was a "good American". I'm against the death penalty except in extreme cases (and not for why you think... I don't give a shit about the "sanctity of life" of people like Ted Bundy, recent cannibal killer Kevin Ray Underwood, or the aforementioned diaper dandy Timmy McVeigh. I just don't trust our government to get it right all the time, and I don't like the idea of giving a government the power to execute it's citizens). However, in the case of Moussaoui, I think we should warehouse his ass for life, forbid him to ever talk to the press and let his jihadist ass rot in the can. You see, I'm for punishment that hurts the prisoner the most, and with Moussaoui, it's clear he'd like to get to his 72 virgins through execution. If we let his young ass rot in prison, the Beefboy will have time to go de-flower those 72 virgins of his and take a shit on his personal cloud before he gets to heaven!

- If you're like the Beefboy, you're probably wondering what the fuck is up with the gas prices. Senator Charles Schumer is calling for another hearing focusing on how the gas companies are to blame for the prices. I'd like to remind everyone that I solved the gas crisis 8 MONTHS AGO in my August 11th rant, and I didn't have to call a press conference, or form a committee, or even scratch my ass to give you all the answers. If any... ANY... of that had been followed, we would be well on our way to recovery RIGHT NOW. No, instead, the factors for driving the prices subsided and we all went back to whacking off to porn and voting for the next American Idol, instead of grabbing our leaders by the short hairs and saying, "Fix it, NUTSACKS!"

So, fast forward 8 months later, and despite the fact that Chuckie Schumer knows for a fact all the real reasons that gas prices are so high (demand in China and here, no new refineries, a panoply of gas blends, and now, political pressure from fat oil producer Iran and conflict induced production problems in Nigeria) he continues to play to the media and a seriously mal-informed public by blaming energy companies. If there is anyone to directly blame for high gas prices it's Charles Schumer and every other elected official who refuses to earn their excessive pay and solve the problem once and for all!

But, of course, that would require Schumer, and his ilk, to stop making announcements, stop holding fund-raisers, stop passing the buck, and START DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB!!

Dig it!

April 8, 2006

-Update to the Beefboy's Funky News

March 28, 2006

-Update to the Octagon.

-Update to the Beefboy's Funky News.

March 21, 2006

Action Alert!!!

-Recent news says Hayes is NOT quitting South Park. Meanwhile, since writing last time, reports say that Tom Cruise had the Scientology episode pulled from the Comedy Central line-up, by threatening to not promote Mission Impossible 3, a film owned by Comedy Central's parent company. Get it? (And I'd like to point out that I called Tom Cruise out, BEFORE he pulled this stunt... I'm seriously on top of everything Beefanatics... except Angelina Jolie... I'm not on top of her... but I'd like to be.)

So, since Tom has always been a wack job of the highest order, AND because he's decided to use his "star power" against one of my favorite things (namely South Park), then I'm calling the first Beefboy Action Alert!

How often do I ask Beefanatics to actually DO anything? Well, now I'm asking. I've got a two-pronged attack against Tom and his little cult.

Part One: If you haven't seen the actual South Park episode in question either watch it on Comedy Central (they may show it due to the controversy, so watch for "Trapped in the Closet") or go here, download it and watch it. Plus, the new season of South Park starts this week, on Wednesday night, let's get them some serious ratings!

Part Two: Tell Tom Cruise what you really think about his candy ass, and join the Beefboy in a boycott of Mission Impossible 3!

Hey Tom, you shrimpy nutsack, what do you think about that?!!!

March 15, 2006

-Isaac Hayes wants out of his South Park contract due to the "growing insensitivity towards personal spiritual beliefs." What What What?!! After ten years of taking shots at every major religion on the planet, suddenly South Park is "growing" insensitive?

Oh, did I mention that Isaac Hayes is Scientologist?

Do you remember how they skewered Scientology last season? Hmmm... looks like Hayes can dish it out, but can't take it.

Good luck Chef.

And by the way, I think Scientologists beat Muslims for having absolutely no sense of humor. Just calling it as I see it.

I also might add that every time Tom Cruise opens his mouth he does more damage to Scientology than a whole season of South Park.

 

March 12, 2006

-New updates on the Octagon page.

-New updates on the Podcast page.

-New updates on the Links page.

-New updates on the Beefboy Gallery page.

-New archives page.

-Dig it! has been restored.

March 11, 2006

-I've added a new URL feed for those interested in subscribing to my podcast!

http://www.thebeefboy.com/podcast/beefboyrants.xml

March 9, 2006

-The Beefboy's Funky News Page is finally up!

March 5, 2006

-I just added a new MySpace profile that focuses on my new podcasts. If you'd like to add me to your friends list or drop me a line, please visit the link below:

http://www.myspace.com/thebeefboy

-Speaking of my first podcast. My subject of what's wrong in Hollywood is going to be on full display tonight at the Academy Awards. What you have in the Best Picture category (Good Night and Good Luck, Crash, Munich, Capote, and Brokeback Mountain) has nothing to do with artistry or technical merit and everything to do with telling you how to think. It's a liberal wet dream hosted by John Stewart.

I don't give a fuck about what Hollywood wants me to think about racism, freedom of the press, violence against terrorists, gay discrimination or journalistic integrity and neither does the rest of the world. I took film and video studies as a minor in college and majored in filmmaking for two years, so I'm not speaking as someone who doesn't believe in the wonder and power of film. I'm also exceptionally liberal when it comes to civil rights issues, so you can suck my cock if you think I'm some sort of intolerant asshole.

What I am is a free-thinking capitalist libertine who is insulted by a group of people who are paid to entertain me, and would rather "educate" me, and then complain because we don't want to pay hard-earned cash to see their political films disguised as entertainment.

I gave up on the Oscars back in 1994 when Forrest Gump took Best Picture over Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction. I'd like to hear from the nutsack who can justify that now. I'd tear you a whole new asshole in that debate!

I suspect that most people will find something, ANYTHING, better to do than watch the Academy Awards tonight. And then Hollywood will feign shock and awe over why ratings for their big night are so meager.

Beefanatics... I can lead Hollywood to the cappuccino bar, but I can't make them drink the double grande espresso of reality they desperately need.

Dig it.

March 1, 2006

-I just launched my first podcast Beefanatics! The subject of my first podcast is the 2005 movie slump and what's wrong with Hollywood. You can check it out on my new Podcast Page.

-The illustration above is from the animated series Elfen Lied, which I've been watching on Anime Network On Demand. Both Elfen Lied and the Anime Network On Demand is awesome!

Elfen Lied is not for everyone, but if you like graphic violence mixed with nudity (and I do), then this pretty much fits the bill. I'm only one episode away from seeing the whole series and I've really enjoyed the story and the way these characters have been woven together.

As for Anime Network On Demand... holy shit! I can't believe what's right at my fingertips every time I take a moment to sit down and relax in front of the tube. They have put together uncensored anime, old favorites and even some real Japanese music videos to enjoy. I love it and I want everyone who's into this sort of thing to get hooked up on this immediately so they make millions of dollars, stay healthy, and keep bringing this type of stuff to the Beefcave!

-Do you think the cartoons above are controversial enough to warrant the deaths of dozens of people, spark violent protests and threaten the life of the artists who drew it... plus promise to make the United States and Europe "pay" for publishing the cartoons?

Well, if you're an ignorant, sand-eating religious nutsack, then the answer would be YES! If this is the level of rational intelligence that we're dealing with here, where some ink on a piece of paper can justify threats and throat-cutting, then it's time we all woke up and realized that we're dealing with people from the turn of the century... the 13th CENTURY!

Oh, and something else? Are you offended by those cartoons on the Beefboy's site? Good. That makes me so happy I'm about to pee myself like a little dog who's glad to see you! I love controversy and being offensive. Who knew it would be so easy to make about 10 billion people mad?

I live in a free country, which means that I have a right to piss you off. Then again, you have the right to either go to another site, write me an email or make your own damn site and make fun of shit that I like! I love freedom, and I don't give a fuck if you do or not. In either case, I won't change one damn thing about what I think or what I post on this site, just to rub the pussy of some people who need to concentrate on the sad state of affairs in their own back yard!

Dig it!

February 14, 2006

-Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad... who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama bin Laden?!!" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could grease that fucker."

January 26, 2006

-So, basically, fuck the Palestinians. I mean either the voters who picked Hamas are incredibly ignorant, or they're sympathetic to blowing up babies for political gain. Either way, fuck them. Looks like Israel made a big fucking mistake by giving up some land. It's not like they weren't warned. Expect to see a lot of bloodshed in the next few years. Hey, at least CNN will be fun to watch, right?

In related news, former President Jimmy Carter said that despite the fact that Hamas is "so-called terrorists", that "there have been no complaints of corruption against [their] elected officials." That's great Jimmy! How much corruption was there in Nazi Germany? Is it any wonder why Peanuthead was the worst President in the last 100 years?

-Okay, I've had some time to mull over the new shows on Adult Swim. I have a problem with a couple of new additions. 12 oz. Mouse and Perfect Hair Forever seem to be the spawn of Aqua Teen Hunger Force (which I love) and the morning shit you left in the toilet today. A reaction to slick soulless Disney animation is a good thing. South Park and The Simpsons demonstrate how good that reaction can be. However, trying to be shitty and irritating, just for the sake of it, is just fucking stupid. 12 oz. Mouse and Perfect Hair Forever also break the cardinal rule of Sunday night Adult Swim... they're just not fucking funny. I'm sorry to say that I check email and polish off some food while those dogs are howling.

Meanwhile, the new Adult Swim season has brought us The Boondocks. This is probably the most ambitious show the Cartoon Network has produced yet. It's incredibly insightful, manages to be fair and innovative, but still cuts deep. And guess what? Unlike Perfect Hair Forever and 12 oz. Mouse, it's a riot (sometimes literally).

-Bumper Bumpkins - For those hayseeds and huckleberries who think Calvin taking a piss in not enough, now you can get a sticker of Calvin taking a shit. Get it? It's hilarity at its height isn't it? It's like 12 straight days of "You might be a redneck.." jokes from Jeff Foxworthy. A real fucking gutbuster!

Let me tell you a bit about the creator behind the whizzing kid with the jagged hair. His name is Bill Watterson, and he's got more integrity in one blood vessel than anyone who buys those stickers. Bill Watterson did Calvin and Hobbes for ten wonderful years, then hung it up. He never released any licensed products because he felt it cheapened his art. I'd buy a Hobbes doll right now if they offered it, but they don't, so, c'est la vie.

That means that all those "Calvin whizzing" stickers on the back of pickup trucks and farm equipment are all bootleg copies (and often bad copies) of Watterson's art. It's like putting a sticker on your bumper of Mona Lisa flipping you off, except Calvin is much more cool that Mona ever was.

If any of this interests you. Follow the link on Watterson's name above and read "Cheapening of Comics", a speech by Watterson. It's brilliant.

And scrape those fucking stickers off that piece of shit you drive, Darryl!

January 12, 2006

-I told you so.

The Beefboy is right about so much that Bush should have me on his cell phone, right after Cheney and Rumsfeld!

For everyone who says that Iraq had no connection to al Qaeda prior to our invasion (something I disputed four years ago, and laid out for you complete with the reason why the whole "weapons of mass destruction" thing was a ruse, and before Bush even started talking about Iraq), it's time to put your dunce cap on and go sit in the corner while the Beefboy does what the Beefboy does best, and that's break it right on down for you!

A new article in The Weekly Standard, by Stephen F. Hayes, conclusively determines that, "The former Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein trained thousands of radical Islamic terrorists from the region at camps in Iraq over the four years immediately preceding the U.S. invasion, according to documents and photographs recovered by the U.S. military in postwar Iraq. The existence and character of these documents has been confirmed to THE WEEKLY STANDARD by eleven U.S. government officials.

The secret training took place primarily at three camps--in Samarra, Ramadi, and Salman Pak--and was directed by elite Iraqi military units. Interviews by U.S. government interrogators with Iraqi regime officials and military leaders corroborate the documentary evidence. Many of the fighters were drawn from terrorist groups in northern Africa with close ties to al Qaeda, chief among them Algeria's GSPC and the Sudanese Islamic Army. Some 2,000 terrorists were trained at these Iraqi camps each year from 1999 to 2002, putting the total number at or above 8,000."

Please read the rest of the article here.

While I'm patting myself on the back, a few more tidbits come to mind... like, why isn't this story the first, second and third story covered on the Today Show? Strange, it's almost like this story is being buried. That's not possible though, right? The press is completely neutral.

Also, where are the apologies from every flaming nutsack who has said, for the past four years, that Iraq has no connection to al Qaeda? Looks like they're wrong. Really seriously fucking wrong. Want to place any bets that we keep hearing the same refrain from said nutsacks? Think that those sadly-misinformed Kool-aid drinking cornholes will ever wake up? I bet I could find a recent story that still says there's no connection... Just checked the net... Ha! CBS has a story dated today, that alleges just that!

Finally, where is the Nobel Peace Prize for the Beefboy for figuring ALL THIS SHIT OUT BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED?

Dig it!

January 11, 2006

-Add Angelina Jolie to the list of hot chicks getting pregnant. Yep, her and Brad Pitt are expecting. Gwen Stefani is another favorite that has a bun in the oven. It's Pregnantpalooza Beefanatics! All I need now is for Rose McGowan and Adrianne Curry to get knocked up and I'm going to need a whole new set of chicks to follow. Lucky for me, I've got ten new chicks in my annual Beefboy Chick Picks for 2005, coming soon!

-Tam from If You Don't Like It, Bite It, sent me this forwarded email (I'm sorry, I don't know who wrote it):

Hmmm... interesting. Meanwhile, Mexican President Vicente Fox has informed us that completing a 700 mile long fence along the border is "shameful". The House of Representatives have already passed the bill to complete the fence and declare all "migrants" as criminals. The Senate will debate the bill in February.

As you can see from the passage above, I fucking hate the term "migrants" or "undocumented immigrants" or any other phrase we've been taught to say by hippy pussies. Let's cut through the bullshit. They are ILLEGAL ALIENS. Remember that term? I like it. It says everything it needs to without any politically correct asshole getting in the way. Illegal aliens... say it with me... i-l-l-e-g-a-l a-l-i-e-n-s! Ahhh... now doesn't that make you feel better?

Vicente Fox should stop worrying about what we do to protect our nation, and start putting some of that salsa into cleaning up his own corrupt government, killing all the drug cartels, building some sort of economy and trying to work with us, instead of bitching about the United States doing the bare minimum to secure our borders. Fox loves the current set-up. Illegals are sending paychecks south of the border. Poor Mexican families, who should be ready for a real revolution, are kept just satisfied enough to not demand more from their government. He's afraid that if we cut off the gravy train, he might actually have to do some fucking work!

Oh, and by the way, our own President, aptly named Bush, takes the high-hard-one from Vicente Fox every time he visits. I still haven't figured out why. This whole issue is so fucked up from every angle that I think I'll just wrap this up and go find some porn.