a picture of Pamela Anderson's
ad for China. Apparently China provides about
40% of the fur used in fur coats, which is why
PETA is trying to get past the Chinese censors
and get Pam's ad on billboards. PETA has been
using nudity and sex to get free press and (obviously)
it's working. PETA recently had a stunt downtown
from the Beefcave, which had a nude couple making
out under some covers. Well whatever they are
doing, they certainly have the Beefboy's attention,
not that I'm going to stop wearing my leather
Doc Martins or changing my eating habits. I am
the BEEFboy, after all.
big hit of this Christmas seems to Apple's iPod.
Has it occured to anyone that the iPod looks suspiciously
like something your girlfriend would pack in her
purse and use to get off with when you're not
around (or maybe when you WERE around). I'm serious.
Attach a cord and a clit stimulator that puppy
and you've got fucking sex toy there Beefantatics!
I'm sure that the design crew at Apple are well
aware of what inspired the iPod's sexy look!
anyone have any info on Holly Hellayna
Hodge and her pussy art? If so, email
me at: email@example.com
against Ryan Reynolds, but if
I hear anyone else talk about how he "beefed
up" for his role in Blade Trinity
I'm going to start knocking heads! That guy is
a fucking stick! I'm glad he got in good shape
for the movie, but let's not get carried away,
okay? He fights Triple H in the
movie... now there's a guy who's "beefy".
When Ryan Reynolds gets up to half the weight
of Triple H's bowel evacuations, then call me.
Beefboy has also had enough of these little toy
cars that run around and sound like a loud bee
farting! Everyone who drives one of those plastic
rides thinks they're Vin Diesel
too! Well, fuck you little weasels and you're
puny loud annoying cars! The Beefboy could destroy
your car with one good elbow drop, so go screw
the other end of the spectrum are the fucking
rednecks who put "balls"
on their truck's trailor hitch. What kind
of amazing micropenis do you have to have to give
your truck "balls"? It's always someone
with a dual-cab and two sets of wheels on the
back axel (and of course it's got a Hemi)! Hey,
Elmer! Why don't you go the plastic surgeon and
look into getting that recessed member of yours
looked at instead of working out your issues on
sure that if you live in America you've seen the
Old Navy Christmas ads. Well, the reason that
I'm mentioning them is because that little pixie-blond
that's in the ads is driving the Beefboy nuts!
She's so damn cute I just want to slap a dog collar
on her and spank her all night long!
oh fuck, why... is Clay Aiken
on MY TELEVISION! A Christmas special? For real?
You've got to be butt-fucking the Beefboy (Clay
Aiken sure would like to)! Are we seriously going
to let that talentless hunk of shit host a one
hour special? Not on my watch pal!
Hardees has decided to give the big fuck you finger
to all the assholes out there who want you to
eat tofu and smoothies, with wheatgrass! Introducing
Thickburger, 1420 calories and 107 grams of
fat! Yes, sweet Jesus, a meal fit for the Beefboy!
For those about to gorge, I salute you!
Carlin flipped out in Vegas
the other day. Carlin is a hero of the Beefboy's
but he's getting cranky in his old age.. not that
I have a problem with that!
don't do this often, but I want to shamelessly
promote someone who deserves some more attention.
I met Duvy online not too long ago and I'm impressed
with her music and her desire to get her work
out there. Since you're going to be spending all
your paychecks on shit for other people this Christmas,
why not send some money to someone who will not
only appreciate it, but will use it to do more
work? Check out the link below and tell her the
Beefboy sent you! Dig it!
wrote to point out that not only did recent Nutsack
of the Moment Dan Rather resign,
but also that Nutsack of the Moment Kojo
has liver problems! While I don't neccessarily
want to wish death on (most) of the Nutsacks of
the Moment, I have to wonder if my nominations
have some sort of negative karmic effect on the
nominees. I'd like to think so. Let's hope the
trend continues for the latest Nutsack, Bob
Thanksgiving Beefanatics! Check out my feature
article to see all the things I'm thankful for
this in your file of reasons why the French suck
balls. Apparently some French officials are considering
streets after Yassir Arafat!
Let’s put aside the fact that Arafat was
not French… why the fuck would you want
to honor a terrorist by giving him a street?!!!
How about Hitler Avenue, Frenchies?
Pol Pot Park? Osama bin
Laden’s Opera House? Shit, the
French could honor every monumental cocksucker
throughout history… and they can start with
their own Jacques Chirac!
Beefboy is really sorry to see Colin Powell
leave Bush’s cabinet. I
think Powell is an honorable man, and a brilliant
diplomat. Besides, Powell seems to be the only
person with direct access to Bush, who is willing
to tell him “no.” With Powell leaving
there’s nothing but yes-men on the cabinet,
and that’s dangerous.
already expressed my opinion on Condoleeza
Rice; I think she’s very sharp
and cool under pressure. She’s an excellent
choice for Secretary of State and will serve us
well as the nation’s face of diplomacy.
into the second day of press on the U.S. soldier
in Iraq who shot an insurgent in front of an imbedded
NBC reporter. Did the Beefboy miss something?
Am I to understand that shooting an insurgent
is somehow a BAD thing? Maybe our soldier should
have offered our enemy some candy, give him a
backrub and set him up with some chicks! Man,
we are really treating our enemy wrong over there!
If they try to kill us, we should just fucking
lay down our arms, strip naked and run in front
of their fire!
the fuck is going on here?!!! If anything, shooting
that fucker is the least that should have been
done! Hello! Is anyone out there? Is this thing
on? WE’RE IN A WAR! Does anyone understand
what that means? It means that we kill people
and break things OR THEY DO THAT TO US! Get it?
We’re not playing fucking Nintendo here
kids! When you’ve been fighting in a hot
city for over a week, where every second some
nutsack could attack you from any direction, and
you’re going from room to room to clear
a safe path, anyone alive is a potential threat!
Someone pretending to be dead could have a bomb
or a gun and be waiting to use it on you (that
day earlier in the same unit). Am I really
supposed to shed a tear over greasing some dirtbag
who was shooting at my brothers and sisters 24
hours earlier? Not just no, but FUCK NO! Frankly,
I would have dropped a nuke on Falluja long ago.
Now’s who’s heartless?
been busy this week... but Holy Nuts Ahoy! Are
you shitting the Beefboy? Yassir Arafat
dies, John Ashcroft
resigns and Tara Reid shows a
puppy all in one week? Is it the Beefboy's birthday,
or what? Okay, so Rose McGowan
hasn't become my sex slave yet (yet!) but I'm
not sure if the last week could have been better.
Arafat screwed the pooch... kicked the bucket...
bit the dust... bought a pine condo... had a retroactive
abortion... and generally made the world a better
place, merely by dying. The Beefboy heard way
too much sympathy for this terrorist in the news.
If you're into old school terrorism or like to
celebrate the "father" of suicide bombings
go ahead, but the Beefboy will be glad to dance
a little jig and give a short and simple eulogy:
"Rot. In. Hell." Another good thing
about Arafat dying is watching all the solipsistic
nutsacks fight over his position. Hopefully we're
in for some more good dyin'.
Ashcroft has left the building? As if Arafat eternally
sucking Satan's wienie isn't enough to put a week
in the history books, Ashcroft getting out of
my life would still be the story of the year!
A perennial "Nutsack of the Moment"
winner, from having nude statues covered because
it offended his puritanical sensibilities (or
more likely gave him embarrassing wood), to actually
lobbying to EXPAND the powers of the Patriot Act
with the worst sequel idea since Grease 2!
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
hello and thanks to all the new visitors to the
Beefboy Rants! Apparently Tara Reid sporting skin
is a big deal to a lot of people out there. I
haven't had this many hits in one week, ever!
Thanks guys... and keep coming back... and tell
your friends... and start a club. Thanks again.
in Kuwait (thanks again Benny) sent me a link
to another site that you guys need to check out.
They have a bit on Tara Reid that confirms what
I suspected, which is Reid got Franken-nipple
when she got the job on her tits! Why, oh why,
would a chick who looks like Tara Reid mangle
her melons? What a shame. Check out Awful
Plastic Surgery to get the scoop on Tara and
many, many other stars who go too far.
personal, but the Beefboy has been inundated with
ads about Josh Grobin for the
past six months. Someone out there wants to shove
Grobin up our collective noses. Pardon me for
not knowing before now, but I just heard Josh
Grobin on the American Music Awards and he fucking
sucks! No. Really. He sucks so bad that he might
need a ball gag to keep all the penis out of his
mouth that deserves to be in there. I've owned
dogs that wail better than that nutsack.
baby! Look at that! Ask and ye shall receive.
I posted the request for a picture of Tara
Reid's nipple slip/wardrobe malfunction
at P Diddy's birthday party,
and once again Oversoul came through for the Beefboy
and the Beefanatics! Thanks Oversoul!
Reid had a wardrobe malfunction which
resulted in a nipple-slip at P Diddy's
35th birthday party. I've looked all over the
place for an uncensored picture for all the Beefanatics,
but I haven't had much success so far. If one
of you out there gets a hold of an uncensored
pic of Tara Reid, then send it my way and I'll
Beefboy's Election Wrap-Up
longest election in human history is over! Whoo-hoo!!!
I would have been glad to see Pol Pot
and Corey Feldman win the election,
just to have that fucker over with! We spend way
too much time and way too much money to elect
why I don't usually make predictions... two months
ago I warned everyone to watch out for terrorist
attacks. I also wrote that I'd be glad and relieved
to write that I was wrong. Well, I was wrong.
A good indicator was when Osama bin Laden
sent us a neat little tape, instead of a bomb.
That micro-penis, bladderless, goat-fucking nutsack,
bin Laden, would never let words do his talking,
UNLESS HE HAD TO. What does this mean? Looks like
we've casterated that soulless cock-sucking sissy.
He had zero effect on our election and his most
dire enemy just got four more years in the White
House. Hey bin Laden... SUCK MY BALLS!
Dems have got to get their act together. I wrote
a little ditty two years ago during the Mid-Term
Elections. I told the donkeys to dump the
dead weight and find a new idea man. What they
gave us was John F. Kerry. The
last time a senator won the presidency was in
1960, and that dude's name was Kennedy, and John
Kerry is no John Kennedy. In
fact, Kerry is not even Ted Kennedy.
If you are a card-carrying Democrat you should
be fucking mad as hell... not because you lost,
but because a monkey with a boner would have had
more discriminating tastes than the choice you
guys made. Bush was ripe to be defeated. Someone
with even a modicum of guts and charisma could
have beat the pants off that guy.
told you guys to lose the dead weight and specifically
mentioned Tom Daschle. Looks
like that decision was made for you! His ass is
gone. Good riddance. That nutsack will not be
missed. Now clean house on Terry McAuliffe
and you've got a good start on 2008.
hey; if you're seriously thinking about running
Clinton for President... I'll be
glad to give you the same advice for 2012, because
this nation will never elect that bitch as President.
think for a second that I'm letting the Republicans
get away without a Smackdown! I've been hearing
some spinmeisters say that Bush
has a "mandate".
A mandate? Are you shitting me? There's only 3.5
million votes that seperated Bush and Kerry
nationwide. That's less that three percent. Reagan
won 49 states. THAT'S a mandate. The word you're
looking for is-LUCKY.
Beefboy is not looking forward to expanded powers
of the Patriot Act, more FCC regulations, Pat
Robertson as our Morality Czar and spanking
new Supreme Court Justices who believe that women
bodies should be subject to judicial review. Senator
Arlen Specter, an unlikely savior,
may actually come to the rescue in regards to
the Supreme Court.
you think we're through with military action?
Watch out for Syria. The Beefboy has been hearing
the type of buzz we got before Iraq, directed
squarely toward Syria. Either Bush has a mad-on
for force, or he's bluffing to get Syria to cough
up WMD's and terrorist nutsacks. I agree that
Syria is a wretched hive of scum and villany,
but we must be cautious.
everyone likes really really long campaigns, I'm
officially nominating two of the Beefboy's favorite
people for 2008. The Beefboy's Presidential Nominee
Jillette, of Penn and Teller fame.
If you've been watching Bullshit, or following
this guy's interviews,
then you know he's into smaller government, civil
freedom and calling people on hypocrisy... he's
the perfect President, as far as the Beefboy is
nominee for Vice President is Julie
Strain! Julie is easily one of the
two most beautiful women on the planet (the other
is Rose McGowan). She's sassy,
whipsmart, driven and hot... let's not forget
hot. Veeps don't usually do much over their four
years in office, we can change that with Julie!
Can you give me a better person to send on diplomatic
missions? Julie could charm the pants off the
world's leaders (literally) and break down barriers
like never before. That little pervert Kim
Jong Il would break his little legs to
get a sit-down with Julie. Let's put some real
power in the White House!
only a few days away from the election and I just
wrote the most important article on this site!
Please check out my new feature
article and take it with you to the ballot
to Benny in Iraq for sending the Beefboy that
sweet pic of Gigi Edgley!
hard to pick on little Ashlee Simpson…
oh fuck it, let’s do it anyway! Ashlee Simpson
was caught doing Milli Vanilli
on Saturday Night Live this weekend. She exited
the stage after being embarrassed by a mis-cued
tape that had her “singing” when she
had the microphone at her waist! This is what
happens when dancing takes on as much importance
as singing. This is what happens when the way
you look is MORE important than the way you sing.
When MTV played “Video Killed the Radio
Star” as their first offering, they prophesized
all of this. 13 year old girls drive the music
business right now, so don’t be shocked
when Ashlee (or Jessica, or Madonna,
or Britney, or Christina,
or any other pop star) is caught with her pants
down on live TV (in fact, that doesn’t sound
so bad to the Beefboy). Here’s some advice.
You sing. We dance. Try that for a while.
has dropped the Miss America Pageant from its
line-up. Does anyone really care? At all? Miss
America has been operating under the obfuscation
of it’s own hypocrisy for a long time now.
On one hand we’re judging a bunch of women
on their looks. On the other hand, Miss America
pretends that we’re not doing that. Meanwhile,
they drop the “talent” competition
in favor of lengthier fluff segments like the
Miss America has outlived its time. Back in the
fifties, guys would watch that show to get off
on those “All-American” girls. That
was long, long before Victoria’s Secret,
Internet porn and jacking off to Laurie
Dhue on Fox News. We don’t need
Miss America any more. If you’re looking
for the All-American girl she’s not in that
competition-she’s in college, or at a Reverend
Horton Heat concert, or playing video
games, or skateboarding, or doing anything besides
learning how to wave like she’s screwing
in a light bulb.
drop the pretense that Miss America is anything
more than a G-Rated skin show, and let Vince
McMahon produce it, or let that old dog
die. And for all you contestants who contend that
your vying for scholarships… why don’t
you do what everyone else does, and just make
the Beefboy is going to leave you with a picture
of the girls at the new Hooters in China. If anything
is going to defeat communism, it’s going
to be places like this! As far as the Beefboy
is concerned, freedom comes wrapped in a tight
belly shirt and orange hot pants!
the weeping crag who was voted the world's
scariest surgery! Don't say the Beefboy never
gave you anything. Yeah, that's a good look lady...
if you're going for a cross between Jay Leno,
Zsa Zsa Gabor and a steaming pile of shit!
Beefboy has had enough of the attack ads for candidates.
It’s advertising by fucktards, for fucktards.
Let me give you an example of how these ads run.
Candidate A is great and Candidate B sucks.
Vote for Canidate A.
Candidate B is neat and Candidate A is rotten.
Vote for Candidate B.
Candidate B is a crook, he steals from the taxpayers
and laughs all the way to the bank. Vote for
Candidate A is a liar, he’d lie to his
own Grandmother to get elected. Vote for Candidate
Candidate B hates America and would like to
see your children burn in flames, in fact, he
owns matches. How can you possibly vote for
someone like Candidate B? Vote for Candidate
A likes to fuck young boys AND he’s a
liberal. Dangerously liberal! A vote for Candidate
A is a vote for Satan. Vote
for Candidate B.
problem is - this is not much of an exaggeration!
The real ads are laughable at best and dangerous
to our democracy at worst. No one should be getting
information from 30 second attack ads, but it’s
clear that some nutsacks actually pay attention
to these ads and are influenced by them. Clearly,
these voters should be put in “re-education”
camps until after the election for their own safety,
and ours. The camp should have round-the-clock
speaker rants with James Carville
and Rush Limbaugh until those
voters beg to go online, or read a paper, to get
returns this weekend after an uncertain absence.
I’ll be glad to see Gigi Edgley,
Ben Browder and the rest of that
gang, back in leather one last time to wrap things
up! In fact, I’m so happy to see them back
that Gigi is the Beefboy’s Chick of the
Moment! Look, if you’ve got one of those
Nielsen Ratings Boxes on your tube, would you
do the Beefboy a favor and tune it in on Sci-Fi,
Sunday night. I don’t care if you turn it
on and go work on your garden, or sex-up your
wife, or whatever… I just need that show
to have some good ratings! Get it? Thanks.
we please just have this election already? The
Beefboy has never seen a longer or more vindictive
campaign. Ever. I think they started this campaign
the last time that Jeff Foxworthy
had an original joke.
you’ve had the same routine for over twenty
years… you might be a washed-up comedian.”
your mullet hair style was invented in Kentucky
during the Reagan Era… you might be a
washed up comedian.”
you’re on a show with three other guys
who have cloned your act… you might be
a washed-up comedian.”
tired of watching euphemistic duplicitous ads
by politicians; it’s time to give back euphemistic
duplicitous ad time to car and furniture salesmen.
like old ECW alum New
Jack is in a bit of trouble after
assaulting another wrestler DURING A MATCH! First
off, New Jack is quite possibly the shittiest
wrestler on the planet… and yes, that means
he sucks more than Lex Luger
AND Giant Gonzalez… COMBINED!
So, if you’re familiar with New Jack’s
“style” then you won’t be surprised
to learn that he got pissed during a hardcore
match and went from working stiff, to criminal
assault in about two nanoseconds! He’s under
arrest and the wrestling world will have to try
and overcome the loss of a legend.
we’re over it.
just got through posting all the previous articles
that I wrote over the past few years. One thing
I'm struck by is how well my thoughts have stood
up to the test of time. Some articles have taken
on even greater relevance since I wrote them.
My article on the war
in Iraq, written while most people were asking
if we were building up troops, turned out to be
an almost prophetic prediction of what was to
come (plus a good indicator on what is still being
hidden from us). If Bush had
been reading the Beefboy's articles I could have
saved him (and the U.S. populace) a great deal
of agony over the past year and a half!
the conscious decision to write fewer articles
so that I could get on here more often. I like
the random blog-like rants more than the old-school
op-ed pieces of the Feature
Articles. However, I also like doing a little
more research and giving you a complete thought
from time-to-time, so expect me to do articles
more often in the year ahead. Until then, feel
free to read my thought on the past few years.
is the tale of two islands. One island, known
as Survivor is a perennial ratings hog
and the pinnacle of the reality show movement.
The other island is Lost, a new show
by two hot producers that is gaining
momentum. One show you should watch, the other...
well... I'll let you decide.
funny thing about Survivor is, the same
people who will bitch at you for liking sports,
will gather around the television once a week,
hold betting pools for the winner and purchase
"buffs" of their favorite team-all for
the purpose of watching a contest. I've seen Survivor
fans talk seriously about "strategy"
and who's sleeping with the enemy. Survivor
fans have become the new Trekkies; I'll call them
Survivies. Their obsession with a program that
is a recipe comprised of a game show, a soap-opera
and liberally sprinkled with irrelevance, is a
bitter concoction consumed with hypocrisy.
the other hand, Lost is a gem in a sea
of rocks. Lost is brought to us by J.
J. Abrams (Alias) and Damon
Lindelof (Crossing Jordan),
two of the hottest producers in television. Lost
is a slick production all around. The concept
and delivery are first rate. The Beefboy dares
you to watch an episode and not get hooked on
the kaleidoscope cast, their predicament and the
mysterious sounds in the jungle.
uses old concepts some of us call "writing"
and "directing" and "acting",
that youngsters may not be aware of. You see,
Lost is a piece of art. Art can challenge
you in ways that game shows can't (much like reading
a book can take you places that video games won't).
Art, done well, is a life-affirming experience.
So far, Lost is delivering on that front,
while Survivor is... well, Survivor
is just a game show. Now, if you want to be one
of the Survivies, fine, by all means enjoy your
television show, but don't carp at the Beefboy
when he watches College Gameday with
the boys. Dig it!
Beefboy watched the first debate last night and
I have a few thoughts on the subject. While I
tend to agree with Bush on foreign
policy and Iraq, I thought Kerry
won the debate. Bush stammered too much and looked
like Michael Jackson after an
all-night sleepover. The Beefboy hated the format.
Why even have an audience if you’re going
to silence them? Why even have a debate if you’re
going to suck the air out and force the master-debaters
to only talk to the moderator? We could have had
Pixar render last night’s gig (we basically
got Woody versus Buzz
stop with all the rules and wrangling and let
these two dust each other up! We’re not
running a beauty contest here, this if for the
fucking Presidency! If someone’s feelings
get hurt, then get over it! We deserve to see
a brawl; last night’s antiseptic sissy-slapping
affair is just not going to cut it.
you seen the new Burger King commercials? Look,
if the Burger King wants to bring
the Beefboy breakfast in bed, I’m down with
that, but once he delivers that fat sammich to
my paws he needs to get the fuck out! We’re
not going to sit around in bed, wax romantic and
glad-hand each other all morning. Besides, that
guy is a little creepy. No one smiles all the
fucking time except for Nancy Pelosi
and the Joker, neither of which
I want in my bed. Dig it!
you happen to see Sharon Stone
at the Emmy's? She took the saucy wench award
for the evening, as far as the Beefboy is concerned.
According to this story,
Sharon, who is 46 years old, is looking for 22-39
year old "boy toys" to date. Hey Sharon,
the Beefboy is the boy toy you're looking for
to CBS News, arguably the network with the richest
news history, and to 60 Minutes, the jewel in
their crown, who managed with one trip to Kinko’s
to flush all credibility into the sewer! After
spending the summer filled with biased book reports
and hammering the President on
the same issue time and time again, they finally
ended up using forged papers to play “gotcha”-once
too often. Either fire Dan Rather
AND all the nutsacks involved in that story, or
you might as well have Carrot Top
as your Washington correspondent and regularly
feature nude showgirls in your “Eye on America”
visiting my local Wal Mart, the Beefboy spied
a sign that really imparted some wisdom. The sign
read, “Shoplifting is Stealing.” Really?
Wow. I never would have guessed that. Thank you
Wal Mart, you big corporate bundle of joy, for
clearing up that issue for me and all the other
shoppers in the land. Without you, shoplifters
would think they weren’t stealing. Maybe
the executives at Wal Mart could come up with
some other signs that we could hang elsewhere,
like “Murder is Killing” in Detroit,
or "Ashcroft is Impotent"
in Washington D.C.
Captain and the World of Tomorrow was a blast!
It was just an old fashioned fun movie and visually
it was brilliant. Angelina Jolie
in that leather outfit, with an eye patch to boot,
is the organic equivalent of Viagra.
also had the opportunity to see the documentary
that comes with the Star Wars Trilogy
DVD boxed set. I couldn't stop laughing when I
saw Cindy Williams doing lines
from Star Wars on the casting couch! The documentary
really played up all the adversity that Lucas
went through to get those first three films out
and it certainly paints a picture of the small
guy getting the best of big corporate nutsacks.
Even if you don't like Star Wars, but do enjoy
seeing how films are done, the Star Wars documentary
tells an interesting behind the scenes story.
I imagine that a lot of film schools will be showing
this DVD next year.
talk a bit about flicks. Am I the only guy out
here who is excited about Sky Captain and
the World of Tomorrow? People don't seem
to get it. It's retro-future bitch! Get on the
bandwagon! (Hey, don't listen to me. I was looking
forward to Underworld and that sucked
Tuesday is the release of the new Star Wars
Trilogy DVDs. We haven't seen these films
in several years and George Lucas
is still fucking with them. The new DVDs have
even more tweaks and changes than Michael
Jackson's face. For example, Jabba's
scene with Han in Star Wars has been
totally reworked, Hayden Christianson
has been added to the end of Return of the
Jedi and the Emperor is now played by Ian
McDiarmid (the dude from Episodes one
through three). There's a lot of very in-depth
reporting on the changes here.
okay, so Greedo still shoots first... look, these
films are Lucas' work and if he wants it that
way, then fine. I've made my peace with Lucas.
The other changes and all the stuff that was changed
previously makes the films more cohesive, if nothing
else, and Cloud City is twice the swinging joint
it was originally. Do you really want to debate
the artistic ethics of tinkering with your work
over a thirty year period? George Lucas will be
remembered for these six films, no matter what
he does from now on. Lucas could fuck Britney
Spears during the halftime show of the
Superbowl and he'd still just be the guy who gave
us Nerf Herders.
Wars was always an effects film and Lucas
has managed to keep it state-of-the-art for another
couple of decades. However, if you think you're
getting the final FINAL version, you're just fooling
yourself. Buy at your own risk. The Beefboy guarantees
you that he's not done yet.
I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of
Miss Universe, Jennifer Hawkins,
who lost her skirt during a fashion show in Australia.
Not a bad ass, but kind of flat, wouldn't you
does Arby’s have an oven mitt (named Oven
Mitt) for a spokesman? Fuck Oven Mitt!
And Mini-Mitt too! Those commercials are not funny
in the slightest and they send the wrong message
to boot. Arby’s is not McDonalds. Arby’s
is an adult fast food joint; they have positioned
themselves in that market for over a decade. Just
show the food for fucks sake! The Madison Avenue
“dream team” that came up with this
campaign should stop making commercials immediately
and assume fry duty at the local Arby’s.
President Vladimir Putin has
pledged to begin pre-emptive strikes on terrorist
bases. "We will take all measures to liquidate
terrorist bases in any region of the world,"
he said. Well, in the words of John McClain from
Die Hard, “Welcome to the party, pal!”
Once again, the United States lead and other nations
follow. Russia wasn’t talking this way before
the school tragedy. September 11 wasn’t
just a wake-up call for America, it was a clanging
garbage can for the entire world. Continue sleeping
at your own risk.
of waking-up, we’re in the beginning of
what the Beefboy considers to be the most threatening
period since September 11, 2001. Several months
ago, terrorists had a successful attack in Spain.
The subsequent election was unnaturally influenced
by that attack. Terrorists are like Pavlov’s
dogs; if you “reward” them once, they
will continue to salivate whether there is meat
there or not (and shame of Spain for setting that
precedent). We’re rapidly approaching the
September 11 anniversary, followed by a two-month
period prior to the United States elections. My
theory is that terrorists consider timing to be
paramount in their priorities and that this period
of time is very attractive to al-Queda. I hope
that I’m wrong on this. I hope that we have
made the changes necessary to catch terrorist
nutsacks before they succeed; the Beefboy’s
sympathy and support is with the FBI and CIA operatives,
and the soldiers in the sand, who are racing an
invisible clock. What the rest of us can do is
STAY AWAKE and keep our eyes open for any activity
that looks out of place over the next two months.
I’d like to be writing that my prediction
was wrong on November 3rd.
after telling you that Charlize Theron is in an
Aeon Flux movie (she's lost weight and dyed her
hair for the role), she goes off and gets injured
during the filming. Here’s to her speedy
recovery. If she needs help, the Beefboy will
be glad to show her some TLC. Am I the only one
here who would like to see what that costume looks
like on her?
What kind of outrageous piece of dung do you have
to be to break into a school and take kids hostage?
Those fucking nutsack Chechen terrorists who strapped
bombs to themselves and holed-up in a Russian
school deserve anything, and the Beefboy means
ANYTHING, that comes their way. I don’t
care what debased medieval torturous construct
you can come up with, it’s not enough to
pay those terrorists back. Fuck them. I pray that
some really sick and deranged ex-KGB agent gets
to spend tons of quality time with those fuckers.
It should be on pay-per-view with the proceeds
to go to the families they ruined. Dig it!
you catch that quivering chin and tearful eyes
last night, when Bush talked about the stories
he heard from the 9-11 families? That shit will
win elections folks.
Baio's Rogues Gallery
can you help the Beefboy out a little? Last week
I saw Scott Baio making the talk
show circuit to hawk SuperBabies: Baby
Geniuses 2, his latest starring vehicle.
What was that?… Scott Baio hasn’t
been in anything since Happy Days –
three decades ago? Well, he was in The Bread,
My Sweet, in 2001. I rest my case. So anyway,
Scott The Bread, My Sweet Baio, has dated
a plethora of Hollywood’s most desirable
women of the moment (Pamela Anderson,
Brooke Shields, Erika
Elaniak, Nicole Eggert,
Natalie Raitano (man, the Beefboy
loves Natalie Raitano), Nicolette Sheridan
and Heather Locklear, among others).
the question for the ladies in the audience: What
the fuck?!! I mean, even Corey Feldman
gets outrageously hot chicks because he used to
be in movies, but those are not NAME chicks; they’re
just hot anonymous chicks who want to latch on
to a celebrity. But if you’re Scott fucking
Baio, and you haven’t been a blip on anyone’s
radar since playing Chachi, how the shit do you
date hot “It Chicks” for a quarter
of a century?
does that rap go? “Hi, my name’s Scott
Baio. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I used to
play a little kid on Happy Days, three
fucking decades ago. I’ve hit a bit of a
dry spell, but my production company is really
working on some great stuff like…. My
Bread, My Sweet… I realize that you’re
the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood right now,
but I think it would really help your career if
we went home and fucked on a regular basis.”
I don’t hear about Neil “Doogie”
Patrick “Houser” Harris dating
hot chicks. So ladies… what the fuck?!
I was doing research for my new DVD
Review of Dark Fury: The Chronicles of Riddick,
I found out they are doing a live version of Aeon
Flux with Charlize Theron in the title role.
little rant of mine was originally focused on
Quentin Tarantino, who’s
a favorite director of the Beefboy’s. But
after some research, I shifted the blame to Miramax
and Hollywood in general. The Beefboy went to
see Hero this last weekend. Hero,
a Hong Kong martial arts flick by Zhang
Yimou, is marketed as “Quentin
Tarantino Presents” in all the television
I get to the rant, let me say that I really enjoyed
Hero. It’s a beautiful film, full of ass-kicking
fantasy-style martial arts, incredible cinematography
and brilliant costume design. The director, Zhang
Yimou, balances amazing epic visuals with solid
intimate acting moments. By all means, if you
enjoy this type of film, go see it, but don’t
go see it because Quentin Tarantino’s name
is in the ads.
you say “Quentin Tarantino Presents”,
I assume that he had some producing credit on
the film, or at the very least is responsible
for distribution in the United States. Wrong.
He has absolutely nothing to do with the film.
Nothing. Miramax, the United States distributor
of Hero, was wavering on whether to even
distribute the film at all, and if they did, wanted
to release it with 20 minutes cut out of the film
(like they did in Europe). According to Miramax,
Hero was "too Asian and confusing"
for western audiences. So, Tarantino stepped in
and offered to put his name on the ads if they
would distribute the uncut version of the film.
Obviously, the ploy worked, because Hero
topped the box office last weekend and set an
opening record for Asian films released in the
Beefboy’s gripe is that putting Tarantino’s
name in the ads is duplicitous. I give credit
to Tarantino for doing what he can to correct
the studio’s misguided notion that American
audiences can’t sit through another twenty
minutes of footage, but this shouldn’t have
been an issue in the first place. Anyone who is
going to pay to see a Hong Kong martial arts movie,
is savvy enough to understand the complexities
of plot and the differences in cultural references.
In fact, that’s one of the main reasons
to see a foreign film – because they’re
not made to entertain television’s lobotomized
by putting Tarantino’s name on those ads,
you’ve tricked some NASCAR zombies into
seeing a film that they wouldn’t be caught
dead in (pun intended). The Beefboy overheard
some guy who said, “Ya’ mean this
movie’s got them damn words runnin’
along the bottom?” No shit, cornpone. Do
you think that guy is going to rush out to see
the next film by Quentin Tarantino?
you’ve set a dangerous precedent for future
movies that are seeking greater box office. If
you can put anyone’s name on a film as “Presented
By…”, merely because they’ve
seen the fucking film and enjoy it, then you’ve
opened up Pandora’s Box. Those of us who
go see movies because a particular Director/Writer/Producer
are involved, will be far more suspect, and that’s
eventually going to hurt your precious box office.
Good movies will find their audience without Hollywood
patting us on the head and treating us like infants.
Since the Beefboy is such a wordy bitch
today, I'll leave you with one more note.
Rush Limbaugh had George W. Bush
on his show today. After the interview Rush stated
that he didn’t ask questions to make Bush
look good. The notion that Rush is unbiased is
patently absurd. Frankly, having Rush “interview”
Bush is a lot like having Pat Robertson
interview Jesus – we all
know there’s a lot of schlong-sucking going
The Beefboy has heard the words "Viet Nam"
way too fucking many times in the past few months.
Hey, to those who served during that war, kudos
to you and thanks for your service. But, it's
OVER! That was three decades ago! Who cares? Am
I to believe that we don't have enough going on
right now that we need to re-visit that old chestnut
Boat Veterans for Truth (SBVT) started all
this with their book Unfit for Command
and their ad that was run in several states. The
real truth is that these guys were chapped when
John Kerry returned from Viet
Nam and trashed them after the war. Fine. Say
that. This mastabatory histrionics, where the
SBVT try to pick apart everything that Kerry did
during his brief 4 month stint in Viet Nam, is
asinine and irrelevant. I can tell you that he
spent four more months in Viet Nam than Bush
did. Kerry has twenty years of public service
AFTER Viet Nam that is ripe for the picking dudes!
How about we concentrate on that?
Kerry could be blamed for using Viet Nam as a
platform to be Commander in Chief. Fine. Say that.
The Beefboy also has a bone to pick with Kerry
and it's his desire to have the publisher pull
Unfit for Command from the shelves (more).
He claims that it is full of lies. Well, Mr. Kerry,
we don't ban books in this country. If it's full
of lies, tell your side of the story, or better
yet sue them for libel. Yep, call up one of your
lawyer buddies and have him file a lawsuit.
also wants the SBVT ad to be pulled off the airwaves
and demanded that Bush call for that action (which
Bush did... what a wimp!). I don't remember
Bush calling for Fahrenheit 911 to be
pulled from theaters, or demanding that Kerry
call for that action, despite the debate on the
veracity of that film.
live in a country, where people are allowed to
say some scurrilous stuff about public figures
(I sure do). It's a vital part of the free society
model. If you don't like what someone has to say,
then set the record straight. The Swift Boat Veterans
for Truth have every right to put their side of
the story in a book (irrelevant though it may
be). Michael Moore can trash
Bush for 2 hours in a film. Isn't this country
great?! Asking (or demanding) that information
be silenced is about as un-American as you can
get; defending yourself against those attacks
is a high test of being a true American.
I’m sorry. I just can’t get it up
for the Olympics. Literally. Beach volleyball
is working for me… I mean, tall hot chicks
in hypertight outfits, and the bikini dancers…
how could you go wrong! But even beach volleyball
won't save the Olympics for the Beefboy. Tell
you what, when they get skateboarding, professional
wrestling and poker in the Olympics; I’m
If you've been waiting anxiously for the first
issue of the Beefboy's Funky News, you won't have
to wait much longer. I've had a ton of stuff to
do, but I'm definately sending out the first issue
next week. That means if you haven't signed up,
it's not too late to get the Funky News and some
additional commentary by the Beefboy. Don't be
the only kid on your block that doesn't get that
sweet email from the Beefboy. Dig it!
it’s time to introduce Muqtada al-Sadr’s
brain pan to two 5.56mm x 45 Ball Subsonic Whisperload
rounds. This gap-toothed Iraqi cleric is an enemy
of peace, a flaming nutsack, and I suspect that
he smells like crusty camel giblets. And for God's
sake, cut the tips of those rounds so it gets
GOP must have hired Indiana Jones
to dig up Alan Keyes’ fossil;
smells like desperation. After the Jack
Ryan fiasco the Republican’s have
been trying to find someone… ANYONE, to
run against Illinois native Barack Obama.
So, they tap Keyes, a Maryland resident, to vie
for the Senatorial seat. With all the coronation
press Obama is getting, and the fact that Keyes
is such a brazen carpetbagger, the Beefboy predicts
that Keyes will get trounced in the election,
and rightly so. If you can’t find a black
man to run for your party in Illinois, you deserve
to lose. Then again, the Dems ran Hilary
Clinton for Senate 4 years ago and she
won. I just can’t understand why people
would vote for someone who decides to live in
your state just because a sweet cushy Senate job
Beefboy has conflicting opinions on inviting foreign
agencies to observe our elections. On one hand,
I believe we have the finest elections in the
world. Sure, we have our problems, but I think
they are isolated and that the days of malicious
disenfranchisement are long gone (I know, you
Democrat Kool-Aid drinkers have issues with that
statement, but you need to sniff the fine bouquet
of reality). If by allowing the Organization
for Security and Cooperation in Europe
(OSCE) to view our elections, we can demonstrate
how to conduct a proper election to the world
and assuage the nut jobs in our own lands, then
I’m all for it.
the other hand, the Beefboy is a huge proponent
of United States sovereignty. We should neither
seek, nor accept, foreign powers permission for
anything. Please come check out our elections,
by all means make a suggestion or two on how we
could improve them, but don't think for a minute
that we're going to bow to world political pressure,
or change something just because you get a burr
up your ass! I'll be damned if I'm going to let
some milquetoast French wonderfag politician decide
the fate of my great country. Dig it!
when are we going to wake up about our borders?
Hello?… Anyone out there? We’re letting
any nutsack with a gallon of water and a northern
directional sense to stream through our border
like chicks through Kobe’s
bedroom! Forget about the implications of allowing
aliens to suck off the fat of the land without
paying tax dollars, or the crime issues, or the
cultural disaster. Ever heard of al Qaeda?
Think we might want to stop some of those fucks
from waltzing into our country? The Beefboy sure
as hell thinks so!
you heard the story about Farida Goolam
Mahomed Ahmed, the suspected terrorist
who we caught on the border with big cash and
a ticket to New York, then that should have been
a clarion call to close our borders down NOW!
I’m not just talking about our southern
border either, we have plenty of boneheads coming
through Canada too (and I’m not talking
about Rick Moranis).
talk endlessly about this subject (and may do
a special report in the future), but for right
now let the Beefboy point you in two directions.
Congressman Tom Tancredo from Colorado is all
over this subject and he needs your support and
your attention. Visit Tom Tancredo here.
Next, John and Ken are two talk show hosts out
of Los Angeles that are also very aware of our
swiss-cheese borders and you can visit their site
If you’re not a member of the Toxic
Goddess Yahoo Group, you’re missing
out on the new pictures and postings of some
of the coolest and hottest chicks the Beefboy
has ever seen and it’s all for free!
Did I just say free? What is this about Cameron
Diaz in a steamy S&M sex video? I hear that’s
she's nude, or at least topless in a mesh suit.
I think the Beefboy and all the Beefanatics
out there need some of that! I delivered the
Paris Hilton sex video to you for free and I
want to offer the Cameron Diaz sex video for
free too, so if anyone out there wants to promote
your site, or just want to do your civic duty
and pass on some info to some needy people,
drop the Beefboy a line, tell me where we can
all go get the Cameron Diaz sex video for free,
and I’ll promote the hell out of you on
my site. Send your free link to:
Want something else for free? If you have too
much time on your hands and you like potentially
juicy conspiracy stuff as much as the Beefboy,
you should check out http://9-11commission.gov,
where you can get the whole 9-11 Commission
report for FREE! (Is the Beefboy hooking you
up today or what?) I plan on doing some light
summer reading on the report over the next few
days and I’ll give you my typically insightful
banter as I go.
Arnold Schwarzenneger, the
Governator, is in trouble with the PC Police
because he called some opponents "Girly
Men". I think that's fucking hilarious!
If you're deeply wounded by those comments then
you are either, A. a girly
man, or B. a pinko twat, and
either way your opinion doesn't count. Maybe
you should go check out what's happening on
the Home and Garden channel and leave politics
to men like Arnold and Hilary Clinton.
Oh, by the way, NASCAR is not
a sport. Don't spill your morning mug of bloody
beer on your overalls when the Beefboy imparts
this wisdom on you. NASCAR is a contest, much
like chess. The "athletes" in car
racing are the cars themselves. Competitive
rope-jumping is more of a sport than NASCAR.
Just a friendly reminder.
McFarlane just lost a legal battle
over his use of the name "Tony Twist"
in his Spawn comic. Tony
Twist is a real hockey player (and
Todd is a real hockey fan) who didn't appreciate
his name being associated with a mob boss. Twist
won a $15
million dollar settlement, which will be
Beefboy can remeber when the Tony Twist character
was debuted and a friend told me that his name
mirrored a famous hockey player (I know nothing
about hockey). We talked a bit about the legality
of that issue at the time. I think Todd was
riding high on his celebrity and figured he
could get away with anything at the time. I
think the "damage" here is outrageous,
given the fact that the "Tony Twist"
character was a minor player, Spawn is not nearly
the big force in comics that it used to be,
and the fact that I wouldn't have even known
the two were connected if it wasn't for my friend
and this settlement. Any chance that McFarlane
could buy Twist dinner, shake hands, and go
on with their lives?
John Edwards is Kerry’s
pick for Veep? That’s the best pick he
could have made. In fact, Edwards should have
been the lead guy in the first place. I think
it’s funny to hear the right wing compare
and contrast Edwards and Cheney.
They want to gig Edwards for lack of experience,
but the Beefboy will take ideas over experience
any day. Strom Thurmond had
more experience than anyone on the planet and
I'd rather have Spongebob Squarepants
run the country.
the Beefboy impart some wisdom on you; the President’s
job is to be a manager, not the guy with all
the knowledge. The President has a cabinet full
of advisors who know their area of expertise
intimately and a slew of government agencies
who are dealing with stuff first hand. The trick
when voting for a President is to find the guy
(or gal) who will manage human and physical
resources the best and can make definitive decisions
in the face of crisis. Furthermore, you want
someone who will bring new ideas to the table.
You can’t teach someone how to be persuasive
and you can’t teach someone how to be
creative. You either have it or you don’t.
all know that Vice Presidents are just smoke
and mirrors anyway. VP candidates are picked
to “complete” a candidate. Edwards
is charismatic and perceived as an average guy.
He did well in the center of the U.S., where
Gore had problems and Kerry
can also expect a fight. The choice of Edwards
means that Kerry knows he’s a block of
wood and a silver spoon baby, and hopes to gain
some ground with someone who is neither.
Younger contacted the Beefboy the other
day, interested in a link exchange. I checked
out her site and let's just say that beautiful
women and rockabilly music are two great tastes
that taste great together. I highly suggest
you check out her site here.
you're interested in trading links with the
Beefboy then send me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org)
and I'll take a look at your site. If I like
what you're doing and think the Beefanatics
would too, then I'll be glad to send them your
just added a bunch of new stuff, a few new pages
and some other goodies to the site. The biggest
change is the new Toxic
Goddess Directory, my attempt to give women
with attitude a place to meet and get their
message out to the masses. It's just a small
part of the Beefboy's plan to take over the
world! Stay tuned Beefanatics... more and more
played Bush. Instead of waiting
for the big June 30th hand-off date, Bush, Blair
and the Iraqi council pulled the trigger two
days earlier and caught everyone off guard.
Brilliant play. The terrorists didn't get the
press today, I'm sure they were planning on
having a blast, literally, on Wednesday. The
Beefboy is going to make a prediction... I don't
do this often... since the council has their
heads on the line, and they have to make a statement,
I expect to see a very brutal, all-encompassing,
crackdown on all terrorist activity in Iraq.
The next few days will be chocked full of activity,
no matter what. Stay tuned Beefanatics.
think I've had about enough of the right-wing
radio talk show hosts playing Ebert
and Roper. We got a whole round
of that shit when The Passion of the Christ
came out (they were orgasmic for the flick...
even before they saw it) and now we're getting
it again with Fahrenheit 911 (they
think it's treasonous dreck... and oh, they
haven't seen it either). Look, here's a couple
of rules for you:
hope these two rules help.
know what a vampire feels like when The Hunger
consumes you and each moment becomes an infinite
lifetime until you feed again. I’m a caffiene
junkie. When I got that first cup of java this
morning it tasted SO good that it was almost nirvana.
Everything was incredibly right about this morning’s
fix. The right amount of cream, the temperature,
the flavor of those lovely little ground up beans…
ahhh… sweet cup of Joe!
about space hottie Jeri Ryan
and Jack Ryan ex-Republican congressional
nominee and ex-husband? Apparently they were going
to wild sex clubs in New York, New Orleans and
Paris, and Jack wanted his wife to have sex in
front of the other partiers, despite the fact
that she wasn’t into that. One of the spots
they visited in New York was a "bizarre club
with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging
from the ceiling," according to her court
filing (sounds like Friday night to the Beefboy).
Hey Jack, having a hot wife isn’t enough
to get your little pee pee hard? Got to kick it
up a notch? How about if you take her home and
then pull out the toys? Just a suggestion. I can’t
say that I blame Jack for trying, but I think
I’ll put him in the same category as Kobe
Bryant and Hugh Grant,
nutsacks who are too fucking stupid to appreciate
what they have.
who knows anything about stem cell research will
tell you that it's an incredibly promising biological
field that may lead to solving a little issue
known as cancer, brain disorders like Alzheimer’s
and allow Christopher Reeve to
walk again. However, Bush, and
the far right Christian nutsack brigade have vowed
to fight opening up all avenues of acquiring stem
cells. Why? Because they are afraid that fertility
clinics will have abortions to fuel the need for
stem cells! Where does this idea come from? Bad
Sci-Fi movies? Can you see Charlton Heston
saying, “Stem cell research is made of PE-OPLE!”
because of some mystical moral horseshit, we’ve
lost 4 years of potential research that could
save and improve the lives of every person on
the Earth. Neat.
After a year on the Couch Pirates site and a year
as a subdomain, the Beefboy has his own site!
There's several reasons, but primarily it makes
it easier for me to promote and expand my site.
This site was sucking up too much bandwidth and
there are some limitations with promotion when
you're working from a sub domain. To make a long
story short, this site is getting some amazing
hits and if I want to take it to the next level
I need my own pad. Thanks to everyone who visits
and especially those who write in. I couldn't
have done this without you.
The Beefboy is ready to plow that office chick
from the Burger King commercials. What kind of
minxy muffin is this girl playing? She eats everyone's
food, teases these poor sad cubicle monkeys and
delivers her lines with beefy breaths. The Beefboy
needs her! Now.
It didn't take Playboy long to get that issue
out! Yes, the Olsen's are 18. It's somewhat amazing
that so many people are intimately aware of that
fact. So how long are we going to have to wait
for that Playboy issue? Probably forever, Beefanatics.
These chicks are worth about 300 million dollars.
There's not much that Playboy could offer them...
besides a career as an adult... and if you have
300 bills in the bank, who cares if you ever work
wants you to call her Ester. No kidding. What
the fuck is it about fame and fortune that makes
you completely lose your mind? I tell you what
Madonna, the Beefboy is willing to compromise
and call you "Crazy Ol' Bitch" (COB)
and leave it at that. How does that sound? Good?
Beefboy heard this crazy rumor that Ronald Reagan
died last weekend. Has anyone else heard that?
I can’t seem to find anything on that subject…
not on TV, or the radio, or in the newspaper…
or even on the internet. If someone knows something
about this, could you please point me in the right
when did your standard shaving razor become the
most technically advanced item in your house?
Have you seen the commercials lately? You’d
think they were talking about nanotechnology or
cold fusion, not something to cut your hair off.
“It’s got titanium edges AND a lubricating
strip!”… “It’s got four
blades! We’re not fucking with you! Four
FUCKING BLADES! Science has finally caught up
with your stubble!”
Beefboy actually heard one fuck-off commercial
say, “It’s like the type of razor
a Superhero would use." Really? The Blue
Beetle endorses this product? Wow! I fucking must
have it now! It will shave your face? AWESOME!
think they need to come out with something called
the Hellrazor. It has 666 blades on it (with a
lubricating strip) and it will sever your head
and send you straight to Hell with one swipe.
days until the Olsen Twins are legal. Nuff said.
Beefboy is not a huge fan of Britney Spears,
I mean she's attractive, but there are far more
beautiful chicks out there that are infinately
more desireable. However, I know the Beefanatics
love her and I have some juicy news.
pics above are from Britney Spears' opening night
show in Dublin. Is that a nipple slip?... I leave
that up to you to decide (fantasize about...).
I'd say she's bursting at the seams of her dominatrix
outfit... definately a sheep in wolf's clothing.
Also, what's up with the demure ring on her wedding
has just been approved for five shows in China
next year. There are some stipulations though.
"Every aspect of her tour will have to undergo
examination and approval," the Chinese cultural
agency said. Is there anyone out there that would
like to be in charge of Britney's "examination
and approval?" The line starts right here.