December 19, 2006

- Looks like the Beefboy just barely missed being People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2006. Better watch out Clooney, 2007 is the year of the Beefboy!

- Congratulations to Miss USA, Tara Conner (left), who I didn’t even know existed until she went on a binge drinking spree (sprinkled with cocaine) and kissed Miss Teen USA. Frankly, she would have faded into obscurity unless she had some sort of scandal to prop her name up. You are summarily rewarded for being a screw-up anymore.

Trump said he had a “lengthy meeting” with her in his office. Sounds like the Clinton Plan to me. The Beefboy will be glad to have a lengthy meeting with Ms. Conner anytime. Bring whipped cream. She said Trump had a “heart of gold” or was that a “hard-on of gold”.

Let’s be honest. Beauty Pageants are meaningless. Let’s stop pretending that anyone watches that for anything other than semi-legitimized swimsuit ogling. How long until the Playboy spread? Might as well do this up right.

I know you all want to see more of Tara, so I made a new gallery. Does the Beefboy take care of you Beefanatics, or not?

- I have no sympathy for anyone who climbs a huge mountain and gets lost or dies. The resources and effort it takes to save thrill-seekers is absurd. If you’re going to climb a ridiculous mountain, parachute out of plane, do back flips on motorcycles or listen to Barbara Striesand sing, you’re on your own. Have your little thrills, but don’t expect the Beefboy to shed a tear, and certainly don’t expect me to come look for your ass.

This philosophy doesn’t count for deep sea divers, astronauts and others who are actually risking their lives to accomplish something. Those people, who risk their lives in the pursuit of knowledge, are some of the greatest heroes who exist and should be revered and have all available means utilized to bring them back intact.

- Did you catch Newt Gingrich on Meet the Press? He suggested that we take a look at the First Amendment right for virulent jihadist websites to operate unabated. You won’t find a more serious supporter of the First Amendment than the Beefboy, but my ears are wide open on this subject. I keep wondering why we let nutsacks preach about killing innocent people, then provide religious justification AND bomb recipes for the home terrorist. That’s not only outrageous, it’s just plain suicidal to allow that. I think everyone I care to hear from would agree with that.

But, it’s the slippery slope that I’m worried about. Do you include racist sites that ask you to kill blacks or jews? Do you include survivalist websites? How about books and movies that have this as a subject? What about Al Zazeera? Where do you draw the line and who makes these decisions? I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but I want a discussion on this topic that includes everyone, except terrorists, and I need some legal reassurances that this isn’t going to become a new House Committee for Un American Activities.

- Did you hear about the Indian athlete that flunked the gender test? Man, you’ve got a serious problem if you can’t pass a gender test. Justin Timberlake knows all about that.

- Dick Morris sure laid out a compelling argument for Hillary getting into the White House again. He said that she’s looking at about 90% of the black vote, plus about 75% of the Hispanic vote and about 65% of the single white female vote. That alone, he says “puts her in spitting distance” of the Presidency. With a viable third party candidate, and a radical right-wing Republican candidate, it could be a toss up… after all, that’s how her hubby got in…

- Finally, thanks to the Beefboy's buddy Mike for sending me a link to this website... Wii have a problem…

December 15, 2006

- The Beefboy just went to see The Fountain in the theater and I have a review of that film on my Dig It! page.

December 10, 2006

- Interested in an inconvenient truth? A new study by the United Nations says that man's effect on global warming is only a quarter of what was thought, just five years ago. Let's not forget that climate "experts" predicted a new Ice Age in the 70's! The real truth is that man's part in climate change predictions are guided by third world politics and professional bell ringers (like Gore) who pander to hippies and the uniformed, for cold hard cash.

I think reducing gas emissions is a great idea. It fits in nicely with my desire to be energy independent so that we can tell sand nations to choke on their oil. It will help clear out the smog over our cities and make the planet a better place. Fine. But that means you have to ALSO focus on nations like China, who get a pass on the Kyoto Protocol, and are one of the biggest (and growing) offenders. It means we have to get politics and, particularly socialism, out of the equation and attack this with the method that works in every other case... a free market economy.

- I think it's about time to stop calling things "Space Age". If you've got a product that uses "Space Age Technology", then you're using tech that's 40 years old! We're in the Information Age now. Catch up.

December 9, 2006

- Okay, here's the pics of Britney Spears without panties. Take it easy Beefanatics! It's okay. You'd think by the requests that I've gotten that we found evidence of an alien life form or Jesus was on Meet the Press this week!

These pics were taken last week during Britney's Drunken Slut Summit with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Is there any doubt that this stunt was far more calculated than Bush's plan to end the war in Iraq?

More photos of Britney's night out here.

- If there's any doubt that Russia is devolving before our very eyes, look no further than the death of ex-KGB spy Alexander Litvinenko. Russian President Vladimir Putin (also ex-KGB) is starting to clean up his critics (both Litvinenko and outspoken Journalist Anna Politkovskaya have been killed recently).

What's even more egregious is the way Litvinenko was killed... with Polonium-210 radiation poisoning. It's like a big fuck-you finger to the world! A bullet to the brain pan would have been obtuse, but poisoning by some rare radioactive substance, says, "Yeah, fuckers, I did that shit. Now what?! Bring the noise!" ...or something like that.

Russia is increasingly supporting terrorist countries and selling weapons to anyone with a credit card. Russia has curbed its free press and is super-cozy with China. Frankly, Russia is not our friend and the quicker we understand that, the better.

- Look, Gwen Stefani is a hot piece of ass, but that fucking new music of hers is some seriously inane bullshit. Just saying...

- I'm tired of seeing Leonardo DiCaprio in tough guy roles. That cornhole couldn't nut-up enough to fight his way out of a UFC octagon against two girl scouts and a teacup chihuahua. That fucking weasel must be super-fantastic at blow jobs to be getting the roles he's been playing recently (isn't that right Martin Scorsese?).

Now Marty has Leonardo playing the Beefboy's favorite president Theodore Roosevelt. Let the Beefboy tell you a little story. Roosevelt delivered a ninety minute speech AFTER receiving a bullet wound to his chest. His opening to the crowd began, "I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose." If Teddy Roosevelt were President today, he'd go find Osama bin Laden himself, kill him by kicking him square in the nuts and eat his liver with some fava beans and nice Chianti.

Leonardo DiCaprio is the Hugh Grant of America. He should be relegated to romantic roles and Disney films. Leonardo is to masculinity as Paris Hilton is to chastity. To put him in the role of a real man like Theodore Roosevelt is crime against humanity.

Dig it!

November 20, 2006

-Uhmmm... note to celebs (like Michael "Kramer" Richards and Mel Gibson), you might want to keep your racial slurs and finger pointing out of public venues... especially public venues where people might have some sort of video recording device (video of Richards below).

 

November 19, 2006

- Want a healthy treatise on Iran, Iraq, the election, the Zune, the Playstation 3 versus the Nintendo Wii versus the XBox 360 and my take on K-Fed and Britney splitting up while Tomkat gets hitched? Me too, but I got consumed with finding Tron references throughout our subconscious global mind.

What started as a simple missive about how I'm seeing Tron everywhere turned into a You Tube frag festival where I picked up everything I could find that directly referenced the 1982 movie. I guess every video director and commercial producer grew up with the same images pounding into their young little brains that I experienced, and now that they're all grown up they're regurgitating that footage back to us.

While most people want one of those light cycles, the Beefboy would rather have one of those glowing disks that I could use to de-rez fuckers that get in my way at Wal Mart! Oh well, I can dream, can't I?

The following clips are from the new Honda commercial, a video called "From Paris to Berlin" by Infernal, "12:51" by The Strokes, and a pretty good edit of Depeche Mode's "Suffer Well" set to the original footage from the original film.

For those of you who want me to bitch about the world's problems. Relax, that's coming later this week (maybe tomorrow).

October 31, 2006

- Oh, Bill O'Reilly, stop your fucking bitching about the horror industry! I can't believe that with an election coming up in one week, capping one of the deadliest months in Iraq, Iran and North Korea trying to get nukes and aliens streaming over our borders like water, the best thing you have to whine about tonight is the fact that Saw III made a killing at the box office!

Bill, stop telling the Beefboy and everyone else in this country what to watch, what to listen to and how much better you and other "traditionals" are because you never touch your cock, you never let anyone else touch your cock, you never talk about touching your cock and you never let anyone else talk about touching you cock (or so you'd have us believe)!

The fact of the matter is, you're out of your element here Bill. Just like you want Letterman and Oprah to stay out of politics, the Beefboy wants you out of entertainment. I've said it before and I'm saying it again, conservatives don't get to review art. Ever. For any reason.

Finally Bill, you've coined the phrase "traditionals" and you can have it. "Traditionals" sounds like a bunch of pussies to me. I'm proud to be Non-Traditional!

- And Justin Timberlake, who the fuck do you think you are? You're "bringing sexy back"? Hey baby, sexy never left, the Beefboy's been here all this time. "Sexy" rants on a regular basis and I'm not going anywhere!

Dig it! (And Happy Halloween!)

October 25, 2006

- Okay, I've had the opportunity to check out the new Doctor Who with the current run on Sci Fi. I still like Christopher Eccleston better, by a long shot, but I have to admit that David Tennant is starting to grow on me, then again, I like a lot of shitty sci-fi, so take that for what it's worth. I'll also say that the writing is excellent this season. "The Girl in the Fireplace", which just ran on Sci-Fi, was an amazing episode that had high concepts, great character development and some genuine emotion. I hope Doctor Who continues to be this good.

- Since we're on science fiction, let's clear out another couple of things on my mind. J.J. Abrams, of Lost, Alias and Mission Impossible III fame, is being tapped to do a new Star Trek movie. I gave up on Star Trek a long time ago due to the Pollyanna nature of the Trek universe and the rabid fans (but I still watched it... I told you I like shitty sci-fi!). And let's face the facts, Star Trek was way played out before the first voyage of Enterprise, which had the worst ending of any series I can think of.

However, if anyone could breathe some life into that franchise, it's J.J. Abrams, a man who works contrary to most of Hollywood's preconceived notions. A maverick. I'm excited to see what he will do... and how long it will take for lesser talents to fuck it up. Hey, at least they got rid of Rick Berman! How the hell did that guy hold onto his job for so long? Berman and Donald Rumsfeld must give great blow jobs...

- I've been bitching to my friends for a decade about the anemic offering of the Blade Runner DVD. I couldn't figure out why a movie that was such a seminal science fiction masterpiece and the forefather of every nihilistic film that has followed, has "interactive menu" listed as it's only feature. You can't play the fucking movie without an interactive menu! That's not a feature you fuckholes!

So, right before I started my rant on Blade Runner, I did a little research and found out two things. First off, the movie's rights have been in legal hell, AND the movie is finally going to get proper respect, 25 years after its release. In 2007 Warner will give us that multi-disk special edition that anyone who knows anything about film has been waiting on. It's about fucking time boys.

- When is the last time you talked to anyone over the age of 40 about MySpace? It's like talking to a fish about walking across the street. They are CONVINCED that MySpace is evil and fraught with peril... however, they have never been on MySpace and have absolutely no idea whatsoever what they are talking about.

Look, you don't get to pretend like you have a clue about MySpace unless you have a profile and you participate. Taking cues from your church and Dateline NBC about MySpace is patently absurd. If you don't want to play there fine, but MySpace is no different from any other social network on the internet and no different than any other communication medium in existence. It can be used for good or ill, just like everything else. If you're afraid that your kids are going to talk to pedophiles online, here's a little friendly advice from the Beefboy. Try some parenting. See how that works.

Don't get on your high horse and tell the rest of us adults how to conduct our business. Clean up your own fucking mess instead of sticking your nose in mine.

Dig it.

Want to add the Beefboy to your friends list on MySpace? Visit me here.

October 15, 2006

-Holy nuts I've been busy! I'll update either Monday or Tuesday and I'll give you some pictures of Grace Park too!!!

September 14, 2006

- This video warms my cockles.

 

September 11, 2006

- Summer Box Office receipts are in and what do you know?... without shitty remakes and television adaptions, we actually had a fairly good summer. We were still choked with sequels, but I'll take a sequel over a remake or a television adaption any day. You Hollywood execs listening in? The Beefboy is giving you the goods.

- Above is Grace Park. She displays her hotness regularly on Battlestar Gallactica, which returns on October 6th. I'll have a Beefboy Gallery of her very soon.

- Don't send the Beefboy a mass mailing with some font that looks like you hand-wrote my name on the address. That fucking pisses me off! If it's your intent to make me think that you're being sincere and spent the extra time to hand-write my address, when I see that it's actually done with a desktop printer, then I'm going to think it's anything but sincere! Stick that shit up your ass!

- The media really likes their anniversaries, don't they? Holy fuck!... the media has been cramming the FIFTH ANNIVERSSARY OF SEPTEMBER 11th down my throat all day!!! Not to mention the documentaries, dramedies and interviews that have been omnipresent. All I can think of is how much al Qaeda is enjoying our little pity party. Fuck that. Rotten.

As usual though, everyone is missing the real story. Here's the Beefboy's thoughts on the 5th anniversary of September 11th... it's STILL time to wake up. We're fighting with each other too much and not kicking the balls of our enemies enough. We're still reacting to terrorist activity, instead of anticipating and out-thinking our enemies. We have learned very little and we're five years past the date when we should have made serious changes to how we conduct our business.

Remember the 9-11 Commission? Oh, we're very fond of creating commissions, but we haven't enacted even a small portion of their suggestions to make things safer in this country. Why not? I don't want to hear typical partisan horseshit from Republicans and Democrats! Just fucking fix it boys. NOW! No, I mean NOW!!! Stop sticking your wienie up your intern's ass and do something for a change! Go step-by-step through those suggestions and get them done yesterday.

Otherwise, the deaths on September 11th, 2001, will have taught us nothing and we can look forward to new tragic media anniversaries in our future.

Dig it!

September 4, 2006

- Bless Christy Hemme and her rock hard abs! Is there anyone on the planet who makes sit-ups look so good? I don't think so. You can see more pictures of her in her new Beefboy Gallery.

- Crikey! Sorry to see Steve Erwin (the Crocodile Hunter) go, but can you honestly say that you didn't see this coming? There's not one episode of Croc Hunter where I didn't go, "it's just a matter of time for that fella."

- The Beefboy doesn't know who the band Kasabian is, but they are laying some serious smackdown on Justin Timberlake! Among other things, they say "He's a midget with whiskers who is just trying to be black. He's a puppet in a million-dollar suit who's had his strings cut off. It's just money music. Absolute rubbish. You can smell the money coming off it."

That's great shit! Kudos to Kasabian (and I love the word "rubbish", I'm going to start using that more often).

- If it's an art exhibit in Iran, you just know that you have to be there for that event! (You know, all the celebrities and the hot bitches!) Especially if it's cartoons that make fun of the Holocaust! This is, of course, a reaction to the cartoons of Mohammed (some of which I printed here), that led to riots, deaths, death threats and typical throat-slitting antics by prediluvian nutsacks. (I looked for the Holocaust cartoons, but couldn't find any online.)

While Kofi Annan said it's in bad taste, and Russia has asked them to remove the exhibit, the Beefboy would like to point out that there are no riots, deaths, death threats and typical throat-slitting antics by prediluvian nutsacks, related to the Holocaust exhibit. In fact, I imagine that for most of you, this is the first time you've even heard about the exhibit. Looks like SOMEONE'S religion overreacted a bit.

- In related news, I'd like to point out that terrorists released FOX reporters Steve Centanni and Olaf Wiig after they converted to Islam at gunpoint. I'd fucking convert to the Church of Cocoa Puffs if you pointed a loaded gun at my head (then again, I might just shove that gun up your glory hole)!

- Also, in related news, a new videotape released by al Qaeda on Saturday, invites "all Americans and believers to Islam, whatever their role and status in Bush and Blair's world order. Decide today, because today could be your last day."

Hmmm... that sounds a lot like a threat to the Beefboy. What do the last three stories have in common? They are all stories of Muslim extremists who think that if you don't pray like they do, that they either have to convert you, or KILL you.

Let the Beefboy ask you this question... How shitty is your religion if you have to hold a gun to someone's head to get them to convert? Maybe you should address that in your next throat-cutting meeting. The answer to that question might provide some legitimate enlightenment for your followers.

Oh, and for those of you who are practicing Muslims, who think I'm lumping you in with terrorists, maybe you should get on cable news, do some talking at your local mosques and start screaming from the rooftops that you don't agree with what al Qaeda, Hamas and Hezbollah are preaching. Otherwise, I will assume that you do agree with the rubbish they are saying. (Told you I was going to use "rubbish" more often.)

Your silence on this subject is fucking deafening.

Dig it!

August 27, 2006

- Jennifer Love Hewitt looked damn good at the Emmys tonight. She's become a bit of a lollapalooza. Here's a photo of her to the right.

- Is there any chance we can find some work for Sylvester Stallone? Left to his own devices, he's completed a new Rocky movie and is making Rambo IV! I'm not making this up Beefanatics!

Nothing against Sly, but I think those ships have sailed buddy. No one wants to see Rocky drinking Ensure instead of raw eggs, or see Rambo throw rocks at kids who won't get off his lawn.

- Holy nuts, Venture Brothers has been good lately! If you're not familiar with Venture Brothers, it runs on Adult Swim on Sunday nights. It's an amalgam of Jonny Quest, James Bond and 60's Marvel Comics, and is one of the funniest shows on the Adult Swim line-up. Check it out, you'll be glad you did.

- I'd like to take responsibility for Tom Cruise getting axed from Paramount, but I think we all know it's due to his own Celebrity Freakout over the past year or so. Maybe Tom would like to shelve his own thoughts about religion, child birth, drugs and psychiatrists, and concentrate on making movies for a change. Hey Tom, check into that.

I asked for you to boycott Mission Impossible III because he tried to attack South Park. Well, on the same day Paramount ditched Cruise, they made a two picture deal with Parker and Stone. Revenge is SWEET! I think my cock is swollen...

- Speaking of my swollen cock, what is up with this Pamela Rogers chick? This smokin' hot teacher had sex with a 14 year old student, got some silly probation sentence, then sent a cell phone video (below) to the 14 year old, thereby violating her probation, so now she's got seven years in jail.

I've got a lot of thoughts on this subject, but I'll try to keep it brief. First off, we all know that if a male teacher (even one that looked like... I don't know... Ashton Kutcher) laid meatpipe to a 14 year old girl, he'd be looking at ten to twenty years in the pen. So, clearly there's a serious case of inequity in the law.

Next, why would a chick like Pamela Rogers, who is not just attractive, but outrageously fuckable, turn to a 14 year old boy for sex? This chick could have had sex with just about any swinging dick on the planet.

Finally, once she's been caught, and given probation, like she stole bubble gum from Apu's Kwik-E-Mart, why the fuck would you send a saucy video (again, below) to the same kid?

While I don't think the inequity of her initial sentence was fair, let's be honest, when I was 14 years old, I would have given my left nut to bang a teacher that looked like Pamela. So, a sympathetic court gave her a break, and she just went back to doing what she was doing prior to the trial. Does that speak to anyone on the subject of punishment and resultant penitence of the offender? It sure does to the Beefboy. If nothing else she deserves jail time for being so incredibly fucking stupid.

Tell you what, instead of sending that sweetmeat to jail, why don't you put her on house arrest and send her to the Beefboy Compound. I promise to punish her properly. She'll be a good little girl when I get finished with her.

Dig it!

August 14, 2006

- Britney Spears has a Celebrity Freakout! You won't believe this video!

- I got a chance to talk with the lovely Liana K (at left, with Frank Cho at San Diego Comicon) through her MySpace page and she agreed to offer all of you a gallery page on my site. Please drop by her MySpace page or Ed the Sock's site and tell her the Beefboy sent you!

You can see Liana K's Beefboy Gallery here.

- I also added a gallery page of Rachel Luttrell from Stargate Atlantis. By the way, I hate to say it, but Stargate Atlantis has been better than the original Stargate SG-1 this season. I realize that's not a high bar, but Atlantis has benefited from some good writing and directing over the past few episodes.

- The Beefboy would like to congratulate Mike Wallace, of 60 Minutes, on his interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and for joining a growing list of CBS correspondents who enjoy kneeling before evil nutsack foreign dictators and tossing softballs while gleefully taking it up the ass.

Dig it!

August 13, 2006

- Attention! Attention! Saturday Night Live is NOT FUNNY. That is all. You may resume your regular activities.

August 10, 2006

- Is the Beefboy the only movie fag that watches Ebert and Roper regularly? Roger Ebert is recovering from surgery (his second recently) and Jay Leno filled in. I have to hand it to Jay, he did a great job. Next week, one of the Beefboy's favorite people, Kevin Smith, is sitting in Ebert's chair.

I have a film background, so I've followed the work of Roger Ebert for the past... what?... three decades? I've been impressed, both with his ability to elaborate on deeply introspective work, and for his ability to appreciate genre films for what they are. Only Roger Ebert will give a cheesy sci-fi flick a fair shake.

While I enjoy the guest appearances, I'd like to wish Ebert a full recovery and hope for a quick return to his aisle seat.

August 8, 2006

- I just posted the Beefboy's first Verified Vixen... Nikki!

- Kelis on the Kinky Juke.

August 6, 2006

- Liana K is the new Chick of the Moment (of course).

- New Beefboy Galleries featuring Bai Ling and Emmanuelle Vaugier!

- Nikkei Nicole has new photos coming soon!

August 3, 2006

- Okay, war in the Middle East, rampant gas prices, unyielding illegal immigration, David Hasselhoff singing… and the best thing we have to complain about is Mel Gibson? For four days?!!! On legitimate news programs? For fucking realz?!!!

Look, this isn’t about Mel hating Jews, this isn’t about him resisting arrest, this isn’t even about him driving drunk (although it should be)… this is about The Passion of the Christ. Done. The Beefboy is the only person in media that’s breaking it down for you.

Travel back in time with the Beefboy, to when The Passion of the Christ was tearing up box office. Everyone (including me) was surprised by how much money that movie made. Furthermore, it was a completely independent production (bucking the system) and was about Jesus (not a favorite subject of Hollywood). Frankly, almost everyone in Hollywood was pissed at Mel for making that movie without their reigns, getting critical acclaim and trouncing their regular diet of shitty remakes and re-imaginings. The Passion of the Christ screwed up every paradigm that Hollywood functions on, and made Mel a major conservative player in a town that reviles conservatives.

So, let’s travel back to this last weekend. Mel Gibson endangered people’s lives by driving intoxicated, acted like a drunken asshole and said some stupid bullshit. Conservatives lost their little Christian poster boy and liberals are nearly crapping themselves with the opportunity this event has created for them (I can only laugh at the smug look on Matt Lauer's face as he recites this story for the fourth day in a row). Hollywood, and the press, can eviscerate Mel and, ironically, look holier-than-thou by doing so on the basis of anti-Semitism.

Meanwhile, we’re in World War III and the press is paying undue attention to a story that has no more relevance than who Lindsey Lohan is currently sleeping with.

- Riddle me this Beefanatics... why is it that we get a count of the dead "women and children" when the press reports on bombs in Lebannon, and no mention of dead "women and children" at the soccer match that was bombed by terrorists in Iraq? Seems strange and skewed... that's not possible, is it?

- So, who is Lindsey slogging, by the way? The Beefboy is available.

July 30, 2006

-So, I'm tooling around cable TV, late on Friday, and guess what I found? I found the Beefboy's future wife, Liana K, on Ed the Sock's Night Party! Are you kidding me?!! Liana K is hot... super smokin' hot... AND she's a comic fan? For real. Not, "Yeah, I'll hang around San Diego Comicon because it's good publicity," but rather, "I'll dress up like Power Girl and Princess Leia and Poison Ivy!" And did I mention she's HOT!

Well, that's not all. She's also got an acerbic wit and if she can put up with Ed's bullshit, I imagine she could put up with the Beefboy. I think I may have met my match.

-I complained that the cable news networks were not paying attention to the war around Israel... that's not the case now! I guess war on two fronts will do that for you. I'd like to point out that I was way out front on all of this too (as usual).

- Newt beat me to the punch with his appearance on Meet the Press, but we're clearly in World War III. However, I think you could make a good case that WWIII started on September 11, 2001. Iraq, Afghanistan , the Palestinians, Syria, Iran, Hamas, Hezbollah , and even North Korea and Venezuela are all connected together in a bid to destroy the western world. The Iranian President recently called Hugo Chavez a "trenchmate" who, in turn, promises to visit both Iran and North Korea. I don't know exactly what a "trenchmate" is, but I'm guessing it's a lot like Bareback Mountain.

That leaves a handful of us who are reacting to this in the correct way. If you're not on board here, then you're both prolonging the war and you're threatening world security. I realize that U.S. Congress has still not actually declared war on anyone. Let the Beefboy repeat that... we're not officially at war! I also realize that it's hard to officially declare war on organizations with no borders, but it's time to change the game plan.

It's wake up time Beefanatics! War is not pretty. You can't waltz into a war zone and wave a pixie stick and make the bad people go away. You have to kill them. If the bad guys are hiding among women and children, or in mosques, or behind Star Jones, then innocent people are going to die (I'm not referring to Star Jones). Period. No one wants to kill innocent people... okay, scratch that, actually Hamas, Hezbollah and al Qaeda actually DO want to kill innocent people... and that's the point!

We're fighting people who are even WORSE than Nazis! That should scare the fuck out of you! The nutsacks that the civilized world is trying to eradicate would rather see all of us dead than let us choose our own religion (or to not worship at all). Do you want this to stop? Ever? You had better get a prayer rug and stop eating bacon, OR you had better get on board the Ass-Whup-Train!

I really like bacon, so my decision is made.

Dig it!

July 4th, 2006

- I'm a big space nerd, so imagine how I feel seeing the space shuttle Discovery take off on our biggest national holiday. What better display of fireworks is there, than to light that rocket up and do something so spectacular and for the noble pursuit of science. We're delivering a module to the International Space Station, from our friends in Italy. A great moment for us and the world. Congratulations NASA, and thanks for the show!

- Imagine, if you will, a group of corporate nutsacks sitting around a table and talking about the summer season on NBC. Now imagine that someone at the table speaks up with a great idea. “Hey, I’ve got a great idea Chumsy,” (everyone in an executive position in Hollywood has a name like Chumsy) “how about broadcasting the hockey finals in prime time?!” Thus seven good days of precious broadcast time gets flushed down the toilet to entertain the 12 Americans who actually give a shit about hokey… I mean hockey. I can only shake my head in disbelief.

- What the fuck is up with Nicole Kidman’s face? No. Seriously. Put the scalpel down and walk away, slowly…

- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are starting to piss me off. In a recent interview with Anderson Cooper, Angelina said that the couple is looking to adopt another kid! You know people who collect little silver spoons from all around the world and keep them on a wooden rack? I think Angelina is doing that with little kids! "Got one from Ethiopia, got one from Cambodia, HAD one in Namibia…" What country is next in the collection?

- Researchers at Duke and Imperial College in London have found a way to bend light so that anything inside a field is invisible. They expect technology that moves photons around an object to be available in ten years. Hot co-eds at the local university had better keep their bathroom doors locked...

- Palestinian terrorists have kidnapped an Israeli soldier. Condoleeza is urging restraint and asking for the Israelis to give diplomacy a chance. I think it’s time to give war a chance. On January 26th I told you to expect an escalation in the near future... and once again, I've predicted correctly. I'm making Nostradamus look like the Beefboy's bitch!

While my prediction was correct, there is one part that I missed. CNN is hardly covering the story at all. I expect FOX, MSNBC, CNN and the old ladies of media to be running nearly wall-to-wall coverage; instead, we get weak updates, maybe once an hour. What the fuck?!! This is huge news, why are we pretending like this is an update on Corey Haim's career?

If the nutsacks in the middle east insist on killing each other, I want it live, in high-def and round-the-clock!

- Star Jones is leaving The View. In equally important news, I had a great shit this morning. No really, I think I lost about two pounds.

- Younger brothers tend to be gay. For those of you who sleep better at night with the illusion that being gay is a choice, you just got nut-punched.

- Superman now fights for “Truth, justice, and all that stuff…” What?!! Apparently the writers of Superman Returns say that Superman is for the world, so “the American Way” had to be removed. I say that Hollywood’s political bias, and their desire to make money around the world, scuttled that phrase. That’s okay Beefanatics, Superman no longer fights for the American Way, but the Beefboy does!

- Happy 4th of July!

- Dig it!

June 14, 2006

- The hottest chick on the planet, Adrianne Curry, has returned to television in the second season of My Fair Brady. I’m catching episodes on my DVR and haven’t had a chance to watch it yet (I’m a busy dude). She now has an official site (finally) and you can check that out here, and she’s on MySpace too!

- Oklahoma was just granted a Spaceport license from the FAA. The facility at Burns Flat becomes the sixth in the United States that will service commercial space enterprises. I think this is a little more important than what Brangelina is doing today.

- The Beefboy digs banana peppers! There's nothing that can't be improved with some banana peppers- sandwiches, salads, ice cream... sex.

- The Beefboy is loving everything UFC right now. Whether it’s the recent ass-stomping of UFC legend Royce Gracie on Pay Per View, the dysfunctional grudge fights on The Ultimate Fighter, or the excellent weekly bouts on UFC Unleashed, the quality and excitement I get from this brand continues to grow.

I can remember watching octagon matches from ten years ago that pitted 170 pound kickboxers against 500 sumo wrestlers, in contests where the only rules were no eye-gouging and no ripping the balls off the other guy! While that was certainly exciting, the rules changes and maturity of this incarnation of UFC has led to greater respectability and a serious contender for the best that man-to-man combat has to offer.

While boxing continues to wane due to scandal, lackluster performances, Don King, rising ticket prices, Mike Tyson, the panoply of belts and antediluvian coverage (how about getting someone born after the Spanish-American War to do commentary), UFC shows us what the future of Fight Club looks like.

- Why do conservatives describe themselves as “staunch”? It sounds like a bowel issue. Eat more fiber.

- Remember about six months before Aeon Flux came out I saw some production stills from the movie, and that abysmal costume Charlize Theron wore, and I told you that the movie was doomed? Well, with the release of the DVD, I finally got a chance to see the flick, and holy nuts was I right! In a manner that is eerily similar to Halle Berry’s Catwoman, the principle players just didn’t understand the source material and furthermore, didn’t give a fuck!

Calling that late term abortion, “Aeon Flux”, is a lot like calling Clay Aiken macho! Did the creators even watch Peter Chung’s cartoon? The movie was a total creative wash, from writing, to directing, to casting, art design and acting. Not one person on the set had a fucking clue how to make an Aeon Flux movie!

Why do I care so much about a silly sci-fi movie? Because the broadcast of the original animated series was one of the most important American media events of the past two decades. While the Matrix is lauded for originality and changing so much visually, I challenge you to watch the Aeon Flux animated series and not see the seeds of “Trinity”, or the inspiration for the kinetic Bullet-time direction from the Wachowski brothers.

I also submit to you that Aeon Flux opened up the current anime revolution in America, and proved to executives that adults were interested in cartoons. Adult Swim wouldn’t exist without Aeon Flux. Things have changed a lot since the first run of that series, and bigger projects have taken the ideas and the glory, but Aeon Flux was the catalyst that started it all.

So, when I see that ONCE AGAIN, Hollywood decided to take a legitimate property and hand it over to a bunch of fucking amateurs who didn't respect the source material, then it pisses me off! I haven't seen such a lackluster performance from a creative team since Exit to Eden (the book was a sexy beast... the movie was an impotent disaster).

Aeon Flux opened to a paltry $12 million in the first weekend (it took about $65 million to make). I can imagine what the executives who greenlighted this movie thought when they saw the opening box office take... "What the hell happened?" Well, let me tell you what happened. You managed to take hot-as-pie Charlize Theron and put her in a shitty fucking track suit and let some overwhelmed chick director suck dry every ounce of sexuality, action, tension, design and weirdness that existed in the original cartoon.

In the halls of wrestling they have a chant for you, and I'm chanting it right now, "YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!..."

May 30, 2006

- Billie Piper (to the left) is one good reason to watch Sci-fi's rebroadcast of Dr. Who. Not only do you get to drool over her for a good hour, but the new Dr. Who is a solid classic space and time tale, with some decent character development and the best effects I've seen out of the UK. I've really fallen in love with Dr. Who and Billie Piper is a large part of that. While I really like Christopher Eccleston's version of the Doctor, I've learned that he only did the role for this season, so I'm hoping the new chap doesn't suck nuts!

I've enjoyed the new Dr. Who so much that I watched some old Tom Baker episodes with a friend yesterday, and what do you know... I enjoyed those too! What can I say?... The Beefboy is a geek.

If you like looking at Billie as much as I do, then whip right over to the new Billie Piper Beefboy Gallery... hey, I take care of you guys, right?

- I was busy with a birthday, an art show and some other stuff over the past few weeks, but I want to weigh-in on The Da Vinci Code. First off, I haven't seen the movie, so this is not a movie review. What I want to talk about is the media storm leading up to the premier, and the Catholic church.

While a lot of people mentioned that the Catholic church coming out against The Da Vinci Code was good publicity for the movie, what I failed to hear is how good all this controversy was for the Catholic church. Over the past few weeks, I saw more Catholics on talk shows, touting the good things of the church than any time since the new pope came along. For the first time in a very very long time the church got to come out on the offense and look like the good guys! You can't pay for press like this!

Anyone who says that The Da Vinci Code was bad for the Catholic church is an abject idiot! The Catholic church should send some hot Catholic chicks, dressed in school girl outfits, to give Dan Brown, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks the best blow jobs they've ever had!

Dig it!

April 22, 2006

- Nikkei Nicole has been kind enough to offer exclusive photos to the Beefboy (and all of you) on a recurring basis. Please help welcome her to the site and visit her MySpace page and sign up for her Yahoo Group! Send some positive messages her way and tell her the Beefboy sent you!

- Why the fuck is Saved by the Bell on Adult Swim? No seriously. I understand that corporate executives get antsy if they haven't created the next "big" thing, and start to worry if things are going well without their input. However, showing Saved by the Bell, a fourth-rate 80's Saturday morning live action show, on a first-rate adult cartoon phenomenon is absurdity at it's height! It's like running Ultimate Fighting Challenge on Lifetime... or Leave it to Beaver on Black Entertainment Television.. uhmmm... it just doesn't work fellas. Dump that old shit. NOW! I mean it. You don't want none of this.

- Thanks to Toby Keith for creating the new redneck anthem "Get Drunk and Be Somebody"! The Beefboy lives in the capital of the redneck world, so I imagine that hillbillies will be irritating me with that phrase for years to come. Let's not pretend this is some sort of "Fuck The Man" song, it's just another excuse for corn pone-eating Wrangler-wearing Trekkies to act like an asshole (and if you didn't know, the Beefboy calls any group of people who dress like dweebs and act like something they are not... Trekkies)! If you'd like to read the lyrics to this song, here they are.

- Here's something infinitely cooler... The Notorious Bettie Page is a movie about the hottie pin-up BDSM icon, and is playing across the country right now. I'm dying to see this movie but it hasn't opened up here. Bettie Page was a little before my time, but I've, ahem... studied her work, and you can count the Beefboy as a big fan. The lovely Gretchen Mol has some pretty big stilettos to fill on this gig, but I'm hearing good things. Anyone out there seen it yet?

- Supposed September 11th co-plotter Zacarias Moussaoui is trying too hard to get the death penalty. He told the court that he wished more people had died on 9-11, that survivors were "disgusting" and that little prissy fuckhole Timmy McVeigh was a "good American". I'm against the death penalty except in extreme cases (and not for why you think... I don't give a shit about the "sanctity of life" of people like Ted Bundy, recent cannibal killer Kevin Ray Underwood, or the aforementioned